Today has been hard. I’m not really sure why. They say that grief comes in waves. I wouldn’t say I felt overwhelmed with grief today. I have just felt mad. Not mad at God. Not mad at anyone or anything in particular. I started my day with a headache, and it just seemed like everything was going wrong. The dogs had to stay inside and were driving me nuts getting in the way. The kids were taking toys from each other and acting crazy. And I was mad. Mad that I had to deal with the craziness. Mad that I wasn’t snuggling the sweet baby that should be in my arms right now. Mad that life is so topsy-turvy right now. Why can’t things just be the way they’re supposed to? Oh wait…they are. This is normal now. That’s weird. And stupid. As much as I love my two goofy toddlers who seem to always be competing for ways to make me laugh, I can’t get past the fact that there are supposed to be three of them. I have carried, delivered, held and loved three babies. But there are only two here. That’s a hard reality to accept.
I don’t know why I felt mad today, but I did. I’ve really tried to let this grief process just happen and be whatever I need to be, feel whatever I need to feel as it comes. Today I needed to be mad. I got out to run an errand in the early afternoon, and I turned my favorite playlist on shuffle. (Spoiler alert: if you’re reading my posts, you’ll hear about this playlist A LOT because God continually uses it to speak to my heart in so many ways.) As usual, exactly what I needed to hear came through my car speakers. First, “It is Well with My Soul” played. I thought, “Ok God, I’m listening. I don’t even know why I’m mad. I’m just in a mood today. I don’t feel like it is well with my soul right now. But I’ll keep listening anyway…”
Next, “Though You Slay Me” by Shane and Shane (another favorite artist) came on. Hmm…interesting. That was another one from my birthing playlist. Again, when I felt led to include it, I was thinking about leaning on God through the labor and delivery process. Now I see why the leading was there. It’s not the most pleasant or uplifting song to listen to because it talks a lot about suffering. Why would a loving God allow his people to suffer? Then I started thinking about Job, who suffered more loss and suffering than most of us could comprehend. He’s the one who originally uttered those words. As he’s in the midst of suffering and being criticized all around, he interrupts his “friends” to say, “Though He slay me, yet I will trust Him.” (Job 13:15) Despite all he had lost and suffered, even in the moments when he didn’t feel like it, he trusted God and praised Him. He didn’t understand what was happening or why, but he knew who was in control and trusted in His plan. And in the end, God rewarded his faithfulness and restored him. And God was glorified in Job’s suffering. His suffering was meaningful.
I’d be lying if I said I understood why #EllieLove was only with us for 10 days. I don’t. I may not ever this side of heaven, and I’m ok with that. My prayer is that God would use her life and our story to bring Himself glory. I want our suffering to be meaningful. I want her life to make an eternal impact. I read a book a few years back called The Emotionally Healthy Woman by Geri Scazzero (I highly recommend it if you’ve never read it – the principles apply to both men and women!). In it, she talked about how we can experience emotions of anger, fear and sadness but we don’t have to allow them to get in the driver’s seat of our lives. It was life-changing to me when I realized that it was ok for me to feel those things. When the emotions come, I should acknowledge them, allow myself to feel them, and then give them to God. After all, He created the emotions, and He understands the circumstances that caused them. He’s there and waiting for me to ask for His help. He’s big enough to handle all of the emotions, no matter how strong or how gut-wrenching they feel.
I don’t know why I felt mad today, but I did. I’ve really tried to let this grief process just happen and be whatever I need to be, feel whatever I need to feel as it comes. Today I needed to be mad. I got out to run an errand in the early afternoon, and I turned my favorite playlist on shuffle. (Spoiler alert: if you’re reading my posts, you’ll hear about this playlist A LOT because God continually uses it to speak to my heart in so many ways.) As usual, exactly what I needed to hear came through my car speakers. First, “It is Well with My Soul” played. I thought, “Ok God, I’m listening. I don’t even know why I’m mad. I’m just in a mood today. I don’t feel like it is well with my soul right now. But I’ll keep listening anyway…”
Next, “Though You Slay Me” by Shane and Shane (another favorite artist) came on. Hmm…interesting. That was another one from my birthing playlist. Again, when I felt led to include it, I was thinking about leaning on God through the labor and delivery process. Now I see why the leading was there. It’s not the most pleasant or uplifting song to listen to because it talks a lot about suffering. Why would a loving God allow his people to suffer? Then I started thinking about Job, who suffered more loss and suffering than most of us could comprehend. He’s the one who originally uttered those words. As he’s in the midst of suffering and being criticized all around, he interrupts his “friends” to say, “Though He slay me, yet I will trust Him.” (Job 13:15) Despite all he had lost and suffered, even in the moments when he didn’t feel like it, he trusted God and praised Him. He didn’t understand what was happening or why, but he knew who was in control and trusted in His plan. And in the end, God rewarded his faithfulness and restored him. And God was glorified in Job’s suffering. His suffering was meaningful.
I’d be lying if I said I understood why #EllieLove was only with us for 10 days. I don’t. I may not ever this side of heaven, and I’m ok with that. My prayer is that God would use her life and our story to bring Himself glory. I want our suffering to be meaningful. I want her life to make an eternal impact. I read a book a few years back called The Emotionally Healthy Woman by Geri Scazzero (I highly recommend it if you’ve never read it – the principles apply to both men and women!). In it, she talked about how we can experience emotions of anger, fear and sadness but we don’t have to allow them to get in the driver’s seat of our lives. It was life-changing to me when I realized that it was ok for me to feel those things. When the emotions come, I should acknowledge them, allow myself to feel them, and then give them to God. After all, He created the emotions, and He understands the circumstances that caused them. He’s there and waiting for me to ask for His help. He’s big enough to handle all of the emotions, no matter how strong or how gut-wrenching they feel.
So back to the song…as I’m listening, I’m reminded yet again to take the focus off myself and my feelings because that really doesn’t go anywhere good or benefit anyone. The lyrics of the song almost felt like a challenge. Today I feel rough. I feel down. Am I still going to praise Him? Do I still believe He’s good? Yes, I do. He is the same today as He was yesterday, and He’s the same as He was the day He called Ellie home. He’ll be the same tomorrow and every day after that. Then I heard it. Those words that He keeps bringing back. “You’re enough for me.” Even on days like today, He is still God. He is still enough. And I will sing a song to the One who’s all I need.
Though You Slay Me – Shane and Shane
I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The One who's broken
The One who's torn me apart
You struck down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering
Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the One who's all I need
My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I'll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I'll know every tear was worth it all
Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the One who's all I need
Though tonight I'm crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You're still all that I need
You're enough for me
You're enough for me
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