Gracefully Broken: The Legacy of Ellie Love

Pain. Stress. Loss. Loneliness. Strength. Courage. Faith. Hope. These words all describe the season of life I've been in lately. I have so much to say, yet there's been so much that I can't discuss publicly just yet. So I've been quiet. But I can't be quiet anymore. Nana and Pop In the last 5 months, I have lost 2 beloved grandparents. My Nana passed away in August after a long battle with cancer. Her husband, known to our family as Pop, followed behind her, pretty unexpectedly, just 8 weeks later. We expected Nana's death. I prepared for it, at least as much as one can prepare for death. Truthfully, I expected it to be harder than it was. I loved Nana deeply, and I miss her. But she had been sick for a very long time. In many ways, her death was a relief. Relief that she was no longer suffering. Relief that Pop and the rest of the family no longer had to watch her suffer. It was a totally different experience than Ellie's death. It felt natural.

This post has been a long time coming. It seems that the more time that passes since Ellie's death, the more complicated grief becomes. In the early days, it was simple. AWFUL. HORRIBLE. EXCRUCIATING. But it was simple. I was 100% in fight or flight survival mode. Getting through each day was a moment by moment battle. As time passes, the intensity of the struggle diminishes, but the complexity increases. It has now been 18 months since Ellie's death and 1 year since Lizzie joined her in heaven. There's been a lot going on in my grief journey that simply hasn't been things I could write about publicly. But now I've got some thoughts weighing on me that I'd like to share. I feel like the Lord has given me some "universal themes," if you will, of this grief journey that I hope will be a blessing or encouragement to others. As you may know, music has always been a crucial part of my blog and grief journey, well actually just my life in general. It's

This is the longest I've ever gone without writing. To be honest, I've almost written this post about a hundred times. Generally, I don't write a blog post in the middle of a big struggle. I wait until I feel like I'm coming out on the other side with some perspective. So these past few months, I've kept waiting for that moment....but it just isn't coming. So here I am in the thick of the struggle, writing a post. Even though it's been nearly a year and a half since Ellie ran ahead to heaven, some days it still feels like yesterday. Other loss mom friends had told me that year two following the loss is just...different. I'm finding that to be true for sure. In some ways it's easier, but in some ways it's harder. Reality has definitely set in that Ellie is really gone. I've known that, but this second year has made missing her even more intense. It's hard to explain, but it feels like that first year was kind of a dream, and now I'