This is the longest I've ever gone without writing. To be honest, I've almost written this post about a hundred times. Generally, I don't write a blog post in the middle of a big struggle. I wait until I feel like I'm coming out on the other side with some perspective. So these past few months, I've kept waiting for that moment....but it just isn't coming. So here I am in the thick of the struggle, writing a post. Even though it's been nearly a year and a half since Ellie ran ahead to heaven, some days it still feels like yesterday. Other loss mom friends had told me that year two following the loss is just...different. I'm finding that to be true for sure. In some ways it's easier, but in some ways it's harder. Reality has definitely set in that Ellie is really gone. I've known that, but this second year has made missing her even more intense. It's hard to explain, but it feels like that first year was kind of a dream, and now I've woken up from the nightmare to find she's really still gone. Some days I miss her so much I can hardly even bear it. Other days I manage ok, but she's never far from my thoughts.
I read an article today in one of my favorite resources for loss moms. It was talking about the mental load of loss moms. If you'd like to check it out, you can do so here. It inspired me to write a little about my own experience with the mental load of child loss. This is something that I feel like seems crazy until you've experienced a major loss. Not that it's only for those who have lost children, but I don't think it's something you can really understand until you have faced a major loss. So what do I mean by the mental load of a loss mom?
Mental load of a loss mom has meant the following for me at one point or another in my journey:
- Complete overwhelm with the burden of daily activities and responsibilities
- Extreme tiredness, to the point of never feeling energized regardless of how much sleep I get
- Forgetfulness, of appointments or commitments or just can't remember things like I used to
- Not having the energy to respond to texts and calls from friends even though I know I should
- Social anxiety that makes me prefer to stay home rather than to be around people
- Over-sensitivity to things that used to not bother me, especially tension or disagreements with others
- Feelings of hopelessness, of just being stuck being sad and that never changing
- Missing the old me, the me that enjoyed life and didn't know such intense heartache
- Fear for my living children, both rational and irrational, that something bad could happen to them
These are not all things that I face on the daily, but I have felt each of those things intensely at one point or another. It's hard being a loss mom for many reasons. Some days, I just wish I could say, "I'm sorry, I just really can't today. I don't have an excuse, I just can't." Some days, there really isn't a reason that I can't beside the fact that my baby girl died, and my brain just doesn't work the way it used to anymore. It takes A LOT of energy for me to get the courage to grab the kids and get out of the house to do something, even if it's just a casual visit with friends. I put a lot of consideration before I commit to anything because I always know there's the possibility that I won't be able to follow through when the time comes. And when I don't, it doesn't mean I'm at home curled up in a puddle of tears on the floor. It just means that I just couldn't that day. Something that has been very important to me since the beginning of this loss journey is to never make Ellie my excuse. I never want to use her as a cop-out or an excuse to "get me out of something." I hate the idea of having a "my baby died card" to pull out when I need it. But honestly, there are some days when I just can't, for no other reason than that my baby died.
I don't write this post looking for attention or sympathy, but I do want to express what goes on in the mind of a loss mom, at least this loss mom. And if you are my friend wondering why I never responded to your call or text, please know they are appreciated. I may have forgotten. Or I may have just not had the emotional energy to engage in a conversation. Please continue to check on me. It means the world. It never fails that at the moment I need it most, I get a call or text from a friend to check on me. Even if I can't answer right then, please know how much I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.
And through it all, even on the worst days, I am never alone. The Lord always shows up and reminds me of how much He cares. I want to share a couple of songs below that He's used over and over these past few months to show me just that. I hope they encourage you today. 💓
Walking around these walls
I thought by now they'd fall
But You have never failed me yet
Waiting for change to come
Knowing the battle's won
For You have never failed me yet
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You've never failed me yet
I know the night won't last
Your Word will come to pass
My heart will sing Your praise again
Jesus, You're still enough
Keep me within Your love
My heart will sing Your praise again
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed me yet
I've seen You move, come move the mountains
And I believe, I'll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe, I'll see You do it again
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed me yet
And You never failed me yet
I never will forget
You never failed me yet
And I never will forget
Can't go back to the beginning
Can't control what tomorrow will bring
But I know here in the middle
Is the place where you promise to be
I'm not enough unless you come
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again
As I walk now through the valley
Let your love rise above every fear
Like the sun shaping the shadow
In my weakness your glory appears
I'm not enough unless you come
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again
Not for a minute
Was I forsaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place
Come Holy Spirit
Dry bones awaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place
I'm not enough unless you come
Will you meet me here again
'Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again
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