Today we celebrated the life of our precious Elizabeth "Lizzie" Grace Kropchuk. Most people didn't know Lizzie existed yet. Actually, I've been anxiously waiting for this Sunday, Mother's Day, to arrive because it seemed like the perfect time to share the wonderful news that Ellie has been promoted to BIG SISTER! I've said before that oftentimes I have one thing in mind that I'd like to share and then God takes things in a completely different direction. This week has been no exception. This is a REALLY important post, so I hope you'll keep reading...
As I said, I had originally planned to share this post on Sunday, Mother's Day. I anticipated that Mother's Day would be bittersweet this year, exciting to anticipate new life and adding to our family but also grieving that Sunday will be 6 months since Ellie went to heaven. Even just the thought of sharing our joyous news was enough to take a little bit of the sting away. At my church, they will be dedicating the babies who have been born within the last year to the Lord. As I'm sure you can imagine, the thought of being there without my Ellie is just too much for me. I had planned a fun day with family instead and was going to make a post in the afternoon so that the world could finally share in the joy we've been keeping quiet for several weeks now.
But unfortunately, our story took a very unexpected turn this past Friday. I was having a great pregnancy so far - typically, I'm very sick during my first trimester and sometimes beyond. I've had some close friends praying for me that I'd be able to really enjoy this pregnancy. I could feel the prayers for sure! I felt a bit nervous after everything we had been through with Ellie, but I continually tried to give my fears to God and really made a conscious effort to enjoy this baby for as long he or she was with us. I've never had a miscarriage before, and I didn't have any reason to be afraid of having one now. I just felt a little uneasy, which I think is probably completely normal after such a great loss. I was very tired, which is typical for me in early pregnancy, but I did not have the overwhelming sickness like I have had with my other babies.
The news of this baby came as a bit of a surprise to us, but we were so excited to be adding to our family again. We had our first ultrasound at nearly 8 weeks and saw our tiny one and her tiny little heartbeat. Then last Friday, at nearly 12 weeks, I started having some spotting, which typically isn't a huge concern early in pregnancy. But when I saw it, I instantly knew in my gut that something was very wrong. I called the doctor, and we headed in to check on the baby. A few hours later, we were told that the baby only measured 9 weeks and no longer had a heartbeat. I was absolutely devastated. I knew as soon as the ultrasound started and I saw our little one on the screen that something was horribly wrong. The doctor gave me the choice to go to the hospital or go home and see if my body would take care of things on its own. I opted to go home. Before I continue the story of what happened next, I'd like to officially make our announcement, although unfortunately it's much different than what I had planned.
Our precious Elizabeth "Lizzie" Grace Kropchuk was born into heaven sometime last week and into my arms early on Saturday morning, May 5, 2018. I named her even before we had official confirmation that she was a girl. My mommy gut just knew from very early that she was a girl, and I even chose her name well before knowing for sure. I chose Elizabeth because we have a tradition of giving each of our children a family name. My paternal grandmother's middle name is Elizabeth. I also always consider the meaning of names because I want my children to have specifically chosen names not only for the sound but for their meaning. Elizabeth means "gift of God." I chose the middle name Grace because that is the word that God has put on my heart ever since we lost Ellie. I've written about it before, but I have been absolutely amazed by God's grace carrying us through this most painful time in our lives. Grace has become such a powerful and meaningful word in my life these past few months that I just knew whenever we had another little girl, her middle name should be Grace.We buried Lizzie today at the cemetery next to her sister. I know that they are together in heaven, and where we lay their bodies to rest doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but it makes my mama heart happy to know that they are together in body and spirit. As difficult as it was to say hello and goodbye at the same time, and as much as I wish we could have had more time with our precious Lizzie, I am so thankful that she is healed and whole with her sister and that all she will ever know is a beautiful life in heaven. I can't wait to get there and meet her!
Glory Baby - Watermark
Glory baby, you slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened dear
You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do
Sweet little babies
It's hard to understand it cause we're hurting,
we are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we're stronger people
through the growing and the knowing
That all things will work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do
And I can't imagine heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know
I'm going to go ahead and stop here to post a warning. I am going to discuss my miscarriage experience below. If this is a trigger for you or if you tend to be squeamish, feel free to stop reading now. I am choosing to share my experience with a lot of detail because I think that oftentimes miscarriages get ignored or dismissed as not truly being a loss because it's sort of an abstract concept for most people. In the case of miscarriage, there wasn't an infant to hold, so it can seem to be "not a big deal" to many people from the outside looking in. Many moms may feel pressured to "just get over it," simply because people often don't understand and can't relate. I am sharing my experience in detail because I want to call attention to the fact that no matter how big or small the baby is, it is still a human life, and that life is precious and worthy of celebrating. And the loss of that precious life is also worthy of mourning. Just because my baby was born about 28 weeks early does not make her any less my daughter, and it doesn't minimize in any way the fact that I gave birth to her - in every sense of the word.
After learning that Lizzie was no longer with us, the doctor gave me the option of going to the hospital for a D&C or going home. I did not want to do a D&C unless it was absolutely necessary. Although I understand that sometimes moms just need that to happen in order to have some closure and not be left wondering for days when the miscarriage might occur. For me, I just wanted to be at home. I thought that since I was already experiencing some bleeding and cramping, my body was likely already starting the process of what needed to happen. I also wanted to be able to bury our sweet girl with her sister, and I knew if had a D&C, that probably wouldn't be possible. So I was sent home with some pain medication and instructions to expect some cramping and bleeding for a few days. I had NO idea what I was about to experience.
Apparently, once you move past early first trimester and see baby's heartbeat on an ultrasound, it's extremely rare to miscarry. According to some charts, the chance of miscarriage at 11 weeks and 5 days is only 1.8%. When we were first told that Lizzie only measured 9 weeks, I thought I'd had what's known as a "missed miscarriage." This is when the baby passes away but the body doesn't recognize it for days or even weeks later. However, I later learned that this was not the case for us. More on that in a minute. The other thing that I was completely unaware of is that once you pass the early first trimester weeks and are getting closer to your second trimester, the likelihood of experiencing actual labor as a part of the miscarriage process is much higher. The doctor sent me home (I'm sure because he wasn't aware of this himself since he's not an OB/GYN) expecting some bleeding and cramping. I had NO idea that I would end up having a full blown labor and delivery.
After we got home from urgent care later that night, I laid down and tried to rest, even though the cramping was getting pretty strong by that point. I spent some time googling 9 week babies and missed miscarriages to try and learn as much as I could about what I should expect over the next few days. A couple of hours later, I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor having intense cramps and also *contractions*. I wasn't sure if there would be anything recognizable as being the baby or not. From what I had read, usually with missed miscarriages, there isn't much to see because the tissue has already begun breaking down. But I hoped and prayed that, even if it didn't look much like a baby, that there would be something identifiable as being the baby. Even so, I kept everything because I knew we wanted to bury this baby with Ellie, and I wasn't sure if I would be able to know where the baby was.
After I passed some tissue/clots around 12:30 am, the cramping and contractions stopped. I began thinking maybe that was it, even though the tissue I had passed did not look like the baby was part of it. I began to wonder if I should go ahead and lay down to try and rest if maybe that was the worst of it. I had already sent my husband to bed because there really wasn't anything for him to do, and I didn't need anything at that moment. About 30 minutes or so after the first tissue had passed, the cramps came back full force, along with the contractions. The first time, I thought they might be contractions but wasn't 100% sure. When it started up again, there was no doubt they were actual contractions, and it caught me completely off guard. This went on for a couple of hours, and I decided to call the on call OB because I started getting nervous. While I knew I was definitely having contractions, I really had no idea what was going on with my body or how long I might experience this. The contractions were painful and starting to come closer together. The on call doctor, who doesn't know me and doesn't know what I've been through, seemed irritated at first that I had woken her up. I tried to find my words and explain that I didn't understand what was happening. Once she realized that the doctor I saw had not at all prepared me for what I might expect, she softened a bit and became a little more patient with me, explaining that it was normal that I was experiencing a regular labor and told me a bit more about what I could expect during the process.
Fast forward a few hours, and the contractions had become so intense that I decided to wake my husband up. They had been about a minute apart for an hour or so, and I was in an immense amount of pain. The pain medicine they had given me wasn't even taking the edge off. My husband suggested that I get in the bath tub to try and relax and lessen the pain of the contractions. That definitely helped. Then he sat in there with me for 2 more hours, encouraging me to stay hydrated and keep drinking water. When it became clear that labor was almost over, I started bleeding more and asked him to drain the water. I remembered from watching a water birth online that it's very hard to monitor the amount of blood loss while you're in a tub full of water. Apparently at that point my poor husband kept getting up and down because I went from saying, "What's happening? I can't tell what's going on," to saying "This isn't a circus, why are you just standing there staring at me?" Kudos to him for being patient and trying to figure out how to help me, even when I was being a bit irrational.
I then heard a small popping sound that I think may have been my water breaking and it was as if the contents of my uterus all came loose in that moment. Pushing really wasn't effective, so I just had to wait for the contractions to continue doing their job. About 10 minutes later, Lizzie Grace came into the world around 7:30 am. At first, I couldn't tell much about the tissue in my hand, but there was a lot going on and more bleeding, so I quickly handed it to my husband to set aside so I could look again later. Once Lizzie was born, the contractions stopped and cramping and bleeding slowed considerably. My husband helped me get cleaned up and climb into bed. Then I ate a few bites of breakfast and slept for about 6 hours straight from sheer exhaustion. When I woke up, I was able to take a look again and very clearly saw where Lizzie was and where the placenta was.
Then it became clear what was going on. Lizzie may have measured 9 weeks in size, but she was very underdeveloped. All of the tissue was completely intact, meaning that she had not been gone for very long, perhaps a day or two. We're not exactly sure what happened, but it was likely something that went wrong with her genetics at conception. The blood test I had already done prior to the miscarriage and was awaiting results showed nothing abnormal with her chromosomes, and it confirmed that she was a girl. My mommy heart knew that she was, but I'm thankful to have official confirmation of that. This genetic issue, whatever it was, caused her to grow slower than normal (she measured small at the first ultrasound even though I was confident of the dates), and eventually she stopped developing all together while the placenta kept growing as normal. At some point, it became too much for her little body, and she was born into heaven. According to my doctor, this is one of those "fluke" situations that is unlikely to repeat itself and did not have anything to do with Lizzie being conceived so soon after Ellie's birth. I actually got my first positive pregnancy test (although I had suspected for several days) on the 4 month anniversary of Ellie's passing. That was an answered prayer that perhaps I'll share another time.
I still have a lot to process, and so far I've just been trying to rest and recover. It has been a very stressful week for all of us. But I do want to share something that occurred to me shortly after Lizzie's birth. You might think how could I possibly find something to be thankful for in all of this? I think it's just that the grace of God is SO good that there are always reasons to be thankful, even in the worst of circumstances.
So I haven't talked much about this because I myself only processed it very recently. Ellie's birth left me feeling really traumatized. I'm not talking about her death. Just her birth itself. She was my first baby that I went into my birthing time wanting to experience a natural, med-free birth. I practiced pain management techniques for months before and went in fully intending to have a natural birth. Without going through the details, I'll just say that there ended up being a cascade of interventions that led to me not having the birth that I had desired. I have struggled with feeling cheated out of that dream birth experience mainly because I felt that the hospital staff did not allow me to try and move things along naturally like I had asked. I wanted to be up and moving around, and they required me to spend a lot of time laying flat on my back, which I feel is what stalled my labor and resulted in the cascade of interventions. Then when I asked for some time to try and get my labor back on track, they said yes but then came back 5 minutes later to hook up the pitocin to speed things along. Anyway, this post isn't about Ellie's birth. Suffice it to say, I have struggled with feeling like I failed and that I wasn't given a fair chance to birth the way I wanted to.
It occurred to me a few hours after the fact that Lizzie's birth was exactly what I have always dreamed of. I was at home and free to do whatever felt right to me. I had often thought it would be amazing to give birth at home in the tub but would never have actually done that partially because I really love my doctor, who has delivered all of my babies and only delivers at a hospital, and partially because I like being at the hospital just in case something should suddenly go wrong. But this time, I already knew the outcome, so there was no fear of something bad happening during the birthing time. Once I understood that the labor I was experiencing was completely normal given my situation, I just was able to let my body do its thing without anybody forcing me into anything I didn't want to do. Aside from the fact that Lizzie isn't with us, the birthing experience really couldn't have been more perfect! My husband has "caught" all of our babies. Except Lizzie. I got to bring her into the world myself. That is a sacred moment that I will never forget. In fact, the whole labor experience, while it was incredibly painful and difficult, was a very healing process for me. Not only did I prove to my husband and myself that I CAN birth naturally, but it also validated the fact that I was pregnant, I did give birth, and we do have another member of our family in heaven waiting for us to get there.
This Sunday will mark 6 months since Ellie went to heaven and 8 days since Lizzie went to heaven. Never in a million years did I ever think I would bury one child, let alone two, within 6 months. It's absolutely gut-wrenching, but I know that God has them both in His arms until I can get there. I want to share a couple of songs that have been particularly meaningful to me over the past few days. I have no idea what to expect in the coming weeks, months or years. I know that our family is not complete yet, and at some point, God will bless us with our very own little rainbow after these terrible storms. I am excited to see what He has in store for our little, yet growing, family.
Below the songs, I will post a few pictures of our precious Lizzie Grace and our family. I know that not everyone wants to see a picture of such a young baby, and feel free to not look if it makes you feel uncomfortable. But in the interest of normalizing miscarriage and validating human life at any age, any gestation, I am proudly sharing a photo of my newest baby girl. And I rejoice in knowing that the next time I see her, she will be perfectly formed and whole. 💓
Let Me Feel You Shine - David Crowder*Band
This place is trying to break my belief
But my faith is bigger than all I can see
What I need is redemption
What I need is for You for to put me back on my feet
Wha ah ooooh ooooh oooh
Wha ah ooooh ooooh ooh oh
I swear I'm trying to give everything
But I feel I'm falling, oh make me believe
What I need is resurrection
What I need is for You to put me back on my feet
Wha ah ooooh ooooh oooh
Wha ah ooooh ooooh ooh ohhh
If I could feel You shine Your perpetual light
Then maybe I could crawl out of this tonight
If I could feel You feel You shine
Oh let me feel You shine
So beautiful and warm
So beautiful and bright
Like a sun comin' out of a rainy sky
Oh let me feel You shine Oh,
Let me feel You shine
I lift the knife to the thing I love most
Praying You'll come so I can have both
What I need is for You to touch me
What I need is for You to be the thing that I need
Wha ah ooooh ooooh oooh
Wha ah ooooh ooooh ooh ohhh
If I could feel You shine your perpetual light
Then maybe I could crawl out of this tonight
If I could feel You feel You shine
Oh let me feel You shine
So beautiful and warm
So beautiful and bright
Like a sun comin' out of a rainy sky
Oh let me feel You shine
God I need a Savior
O come Generous King
O God I need a Savior
To come rescue me
Oh let me feel You shine Your magnificent light
Then maybe I could crawl out of this tonight
If You let me feel You feel You shine
Oh let me feel You shine
So beautiful and warm
So beautiful and bright
Like a sun comin' out of a rainy sky
Oh let me feel You shine
Let me feel You shine
Let me feel You shine
Desert Song - Shane and Shane
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer and my hunger in me
My God is the God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
I will bring praise I will bring praise
No weapon formed
Against me shall remain
I will rejoice I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in my battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
Firm on His promise I'll stand
I will bring praise I will bring praise
No weapon formed
Against me shall remain
I will rejoice I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
All of my life in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
I will bring praise I will bring praise
No weapon formed
Against me shall remain
I will rejoice I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
He is here
You are here You are here
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer and my hunger in me
My God is the God who provides
See You in a Little While - Steven Curtis Chapman
I hold your hand and watch as the sun slowly fades
Far in the distance the Father is calling your name
And it’s time for you to go home
And everything in me wants to hold on
But I’m letting you go with this goodbye kiss and this promise
I’ll see you in a little while
I’ll see you in a little while
It won’t be too long now
We’ll see it on the other side
The wait was only the blink of an eye
So I’m not gonna say goodbye
‘Cause I’ll see you in a little while
And just one more thing before I let you go
Please tell my little girl I love her
Though I’m sure she already knows
And ask the Father to please tell the Son
That we’re ready and waiting for Him to come
I’ll see you in a little while
I’ll see you in a little while
It won’t be too long now
We’ll see it on the other side
The wait was only the blink of an eye
So I’m not gonna say goodbye
‘Cause I’ll see you in a little while
Maybe you’ll teach me all the songs they sing in heaven
Maybe you’ll show me how you can fly
And I’ll hear you laugh again
And we won’t remember when
We were not together and this time it’s forever
I’ll see you in a little while
I’ll see you in a little while
It won’t be too long now
We’ll see it on the other side
The wait was only the blink of an eye
So I’m not gonna say goodbye
‘Cause I’ll see you in a little while
I’m gonna see you in a little while
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