Diamonds

This is just hard. I feel like my entire life needs a big fat "trigger warning," slapped across the top. Losing one baby was gut-wrenching. Losing a second just a few short (yet forever-long) months later is just brutal. I'm generally a pretty positive, glass half full kinda gal. I usually have a lot of what I like to call "bounce-back-ability." You know, that way of dealing with something hard or unpleasant by temporarily compartmentalizing. For example, when I know I have this thing coming up that I really need to be present for, enjoy, etc. I can think to myself, "I'm going to set this bad thing aside for right now and just not think about it for a little while. It'll still be there later after this is over. I'm going to close the painful box and open another box so I can enjoy and be present, then come back to the painful box again as soon as I can." In other words, I know this hurts, but I am determined to make the most of this situation and then later keep trying to work through the pain.

I feel like that's a good quality to have, and it's something I've always considered to be a positive attribute. However, right now, I have basically zero "bounce-back'ability." When I say zero, I mean ZERO. It's like I feel so wounded that anything else that goes wrong just heaps on top of the "pain pile" and makes it that much harder to get out from under. A lot of days I seriously wonder just how much more I can take. I feel like I'm at maxed capacity right now. I'm struggling physically at finding the happy medium of being up and around and getting things done without overdoing it. Because I feel much better now, it's easy to forget that I still need to take it easy. As a result, I've ended up with several nights of way more pain than I should be having because I still haven't found that balance. I'm struggling emotionally just to process everything. There is so much. And honestly, I feel like most people simply don't get it. Some people try, and I always appreciate my friends who are willing to just listen. They don't pretend they understand because we both know they don't, but they do lend an ear and just let me know they're here for me, they love me, and they're praying for me. Those are the best friends, truly. 

I've had many loss parents tell me that times like these are when true friends separate from the herd of "fair-weather friends." Sometimes people think that after an "appropriate amount of time" (whatever that means?) passes, we loss parents really should just move on with life. Don't get me wrong, life keeps moving, but there's a part of us that always seems to keep standing still. And let's be honest, death is hard. Loss is painful. And grief is a LIFELONG journey. There's nothing easy about it. Sometimes, even the most well meaning friends just can't handle that, I think. What I do know is that times like these really do show who your true friends are and who they are not. That's all I'll say about that for now.

Six months ago when we lost Ellie, I knew even then that all of this pain isn't for nothing. None of it is meaningless. I know that, like the scripture says, God stores every single one of my tears in a bottle and counts them all. He will make beauty come from ashes. Losing two precious daughters within 6 months honestly most of the time seems like more than I can bear, but I trust Him. I know that He will continue to make beautiful things come from this horrible pain. I say "continue to make beautiful things" because I know He already is. While excruciatingly painful, He is continually refining me throughout this journey, and I'm thankful for that. 

After we lost Ellie, I asked God to show me even just a few of the ways He is redeeming this pain, and boy has He ever! Words can't even say how much it blesses my heart to hear from my friends and even people I really don't know well how something I have shared has touched them in one way or another. And seriously, when I have a fellow loss mom tell me that something I've written has made her feel like she's finally free to share her own story when she has never felt like she could or maybe even was told by someone close to her that she shouldn't ever talk about it, it absolutely blesses my socks off! Part of why I share so openly is that I hope to empower and encourage other loss moms. I don't think any of this will ever be easy, but we don't have to carry this alone. Sometimes I think it helps simply to know that we are not alone. I don't write to bring attention to myself in any way, shape or form. For lack of a better way to express it, I feel COMPELLED to write because I can't not share how amazing God is throughout this excruciating process. Throughout the Bible, there are so many examples of God doing things specifically in a way that there would be no denying that the victory was His. He put His people in all kinds of impossible situations so that He could come and save the day, bringing Himself glory. I truly hope that He receives all glory from the things I write. 

All of this to say, I have NO idea what He's up to right now. Seriously no clue. God brought this song to mind a couple of days ago, and I can't stop listening to it on repeat. I feel like it very adequately describes where I'm at right now. I do feel like I'm completely in over my head under all the pressure and pain. Most days, I have no idea how to move forward. But I trust that He is making beautiful things, and my desire is to continue to yield to Him so that He can accomplish His purposes in and through me. And while He does that, He continues to be faithful to provide treasures along the way through His word and the gentle way He continues to speak to me and teach me. I know that in HIS timing, He will make diamonds out of these ashes. Until then, I will cling to Him and allow the joy of the Lord to be my strength because, truthfully, I have no strength of my own.

Diamonds - Hawk Nelson

Here and now I'm in the fire in above my head

Being held under the pressure don't know what'll be left

But it's here in the ashes

I'm finding treasure

He's making diamonds, diamonds

Making diamonds out of dust

He is refining and in His timing

He's making diamonds out of us

I'll surrender to the power of being crushed by love

Till the beauty that was hidden isn't covered up

Oh it's not what I hoped for

It's something much better

He's making diamonds, diamonds

Making diamonds out of dust

He is refining and in His timing

He's making diamonds out of us

Oh the joy of the Lord

It will be my strength

When the pressure is on

He's making diamonds

He's making diamonds, diamonds

Making us rise up from the dust

He is refining and in His timing

He's making diamonds out of dust

Making diamonds out of us

I won't be afraid to shine

I won't be afraid to shine

I won't be afraid to shine

'Cause He's making diamonds out of dust

Making diamonds out of us

Isaiah 61

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
And you will be called priests of the Lord,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.

Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.

“For I, the Lord, love justice;
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”

I delight greatly in the Lord;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.

And as I was finishing this post, the following song came on. I'd like to share it as well. This is my prayer for this blog. 💗

Words - Hawk Nelson and Bart Millard (MercyMe)

They've made me feel like a prisoner

They've made me feel set free

They've made me feel like a criminal

Made me feel like a king

They've lifted my heart

To places I'd never been

And they've dragged me down

Back to where I began

Words can build you up

Words can break you down

Start a fire in your heart or

Put it out

Let my words be life

Let my words be truth

I don't wanna say a word

Unless it points the world back to You

You can heal the heartache

Speak over the fear

(Speak over the fear)

God, Your voice is the only thing

We need to hear

(We need to hear)

Words can build us up

Words can break us down

Start a fire in our hearts or

Put it out

Let my words be life

Let my words be truth

I don't wanna say a word

Unless it points the world back to You

(Back to You)

Let the words I say

(Let the words I say)

Be the sound of Your grace

(Sound like Your grace)

I don't wanna say a word

Unless it points the world back to You

I wanna speak Your love

Not just another noise

Oh, I wanna be Your light

I wanna be Your voice

Let my words be life

Let my words be truth

I don't wanna say a word

Unless it points the world back to You

Words can build us up

Words can break us down

Start a fire in our hearts

Or put it out

I don't wanna say a word

Unless it points the world back to You