You Are My God

Today I feel angry. On the days when we just stay at home with no plans, I really struggle. This is new for me because I'm generally a homebody. Not that I don't like to get out and do things, but traditionally, once or twice a week for activities is good for me. The rest of the time, I prefer being at home. Now I don't know what I want anymore. When we're on the run for too many days, I start to feel overwhelmed and behind on things at home. But when we have stay at home days that I used to enjoy, I suddenly feel really blah and completely unmotivated to do anything at all. I've got big plans for things I'd like to get done. Yet zero motivation to do any of them. I tend to just sit around feeling sad. That has been my day today. While I'm not experiencing the all-consuming black hole depression that I was, I do think that I'm still dealing with some. It's like baby blues but without the baby. It sucks. 

Thinking about it all today, I got angry. Anger really isn't an emotion I've felt much before now. But today I'm feeling it. I'm angry that I'm never going to get over this. Sure, the pain may not be so gut-wrenching as time goes on, but it's always going to be there. Ellie isn't coming back. There will always be an Ellie-sized hole in my arms and in my heart. I'm angry. No matter how hard I work to process all of this and move on, there is never a moment when I'm not painfully aware of the fact that she's not here. Being around other babies is excruciating because all I can do is think about how old she should be right now and the things we should be doing together. I'm angry because I'm never going to be the same. There is no going back to the happy Caitlin I was before. Sure, I can experience moments of joy and be grateful for them when they come. But even with the joy, now there will always be an empty ache at the same time. Like I'm missing a limb. I may learn to live without it and function sort of like I used to, but I'll never re-grow that limb. It's gone forever. 

I've had lots of people tell me to not feel guilty when I have moments of joy or feel like laughing. I honestly haven't. I'm thankful for those moments. I'm thankful for friends I can go to when I need those moments. They make life a little easier. But when the laughs stop, the pain is still there. A piece of me is still missing. I'm angry that, no matter what I do, that is always going to be the case until I get to heaven. Man, I want to be there now! Having children in two worlds really changes your perspective on heaven, and the amount of time you spend thinking about it. Before this, it was practically zero. Now, I think about it almost daily, wondering what it's like and what Ellie is doing. I know that one day, this temporary separation will seem like the blink of an eye. I try to remind myself of that when I'm struggling. But it doesn't change the fact that right now it feels like an eternity. I'm learning to see life through new eyes. Some days that's really, really hard.

I get really tired of answering the question over and over of how am I doing. I know it's the natural thing for people to ask. People ask because they're concerned. They ask because they care. They ask out of habit. They ask because they don't know what else to say. Most days, I feel like if I honestly answer that question, I'll burst into tears and that poor person will get WAY more than they bargained for. I try to not do that. So I say I'm doing ok or that I'm doing as well as I can be. I think both of those are mostly true at any given time. I don't think anybody grieving the loss of their child is doing "ok." We're not supposed to be "ok." People say they don't expect us to be "ok," yet everyone quickly moves on with life and the grieving parent feels left behind. My family and friends have mostly done pretty well at letting me know that they haven't forgotten about Ellie, but I fear that won't always be the case. I know that life moves on and wonder how many years will pass before Ellie is such a distant memory that many people don't think about her anymore. It breaks my heart. But I can't let myself dwell on that because it's not productive or beneficial. I just have to trust God with that.

Some days I feel like I'm doing ok at this grief thing. And other days, like today, I wonder how anybody ever lives through it? It's so frustrating feeling fine one minute and becoming a teary mess the next. I've given up on wearing makeup most days because I just never know when it might hit me, and I don't want to have to stress about mascara running. If you know me, you know that's a big deal. I love makeup and playing with different colors. But right now it just doesn't bring me joy. I just feel like I can paint myself up to look great, but it just masks the pain and mess I feel inside. I hate that feeling. I hope it gets better.

This post feels all over the place. But it's the honest truth of what I'm feeling today. Writing it down is an emotional release for me. I'm getting pretty good at talking through tears (I could never do that before!), but it's nice to be able to type through the tears and not feel like the tears area stifling what I'm trying to express. So to sum it up, I'm sorry if this post feels more depressing than my others. It has been a hard day. But through it all, I'm trying to maintain my focus on expressing whatever I'm feeling to God. I know that He understands, even when I don't. He asked me months ago if I trusted Him, and I said yes. I still say yes. I feel like this song written by Nicol after losing her infant son perfectly describes what I'm feeling today.

You Are My God - Nicol Sponberg

Breathe in breathe out 

That's all that I can do now 

Hold on somehow

My world has come crashing down 

And I cannot understand 

How this could be your heart 

Still I'm lifting trembling hands 

Help me trust in who you are 

You are my God 

Here in the darkness in the night 

You have never left my side 

You are my God 

Even when I can't see your face 

I know I'm held in your embrace 

You are my God 

I'm weak I'm torn 

My tears like rain fall to the floor 

But peace, my Lord 

You have whispered in this storm 

And this is still your plan 

That you would have my heart 

Help me rest in who you are 

You are my God 

Here in the darkness in the night 

You have never left my side 

You are my God 

Even when I can't see your face 

I know I'm held in your embrace 

You are my God 

Where else can I go 

And who else can I turn to 

Your Word is eternal life 

And I'm not letting go 

I'm holding on to you 

You are my God 

Here in the darkness in the night 

You have never left my side 

You are my God 

Greater than all the world combined 

Let everything else be left behind 

You are my God 

I long to be lost in your embrace 

I'm turning my eyes up to your face 

You are my God