You Amaze Us

I don't even know where to start. So many words. So many things to share. This week has been amazing and awful all at the same time. God has just shown up in the most amazing ways this week that I just have to share a few of them! Last weekend, my husband and I were able to enjoy a weekend getaway to celebrate our 6th anniversary. This was probably the first time we've had to go out of town together (we only went about 30 minutes away from home, but still!) since before our oldest child, Timothy, was born nearly three and a half years ago. It was so nice to have two whole days with nothing to do but just hang out and enjoy each other like we used to before life and kids and busyness came in the picture! 

Shortly after we got home, I started feeling like I was getting sick. So I spent the first couple of days of the week just feeling plain gross. And the weather all week has been gross. Like cold, drizzly rain and storms every single day. I hate that. Those days are hard anyway, especially with my two little people being cooped up in the house and not being able to go run off energy. But since losing Ellie, those days are just so much harder. It's like I just need the sunshine. Like it somehow makes things a little easier. I mean, it doesn't. But at least it's happy and hopeful instead of looking outside like I feel inside a lot of the time.

So this week was a struggle for me. I've just really felt down. The morning after I wrote my last post, I woke up to a message from a sweet friend who I don't even actually know in person but who I've connected with through a Facebook group for grieving parents. She has messaged me a few times, and each time, whatever she has to say is so incredibly timely. I mean like exactly what I need in that moment. Because, you know, God just seems to be showing off with that these days. 😉 So I woke up to a message telling me that the Lord had laid something on her heart to share with me. She said:

He told me to tell you to just keep talking to Him. As long as you are talking to Him, even if you're yelling at Him, telling Him you're angry, disappointed, whatever is in your heart, it doesn't matter what you're saying just that you are talking to Him when you talk to Him you draw into His presence and whether you know it or not when you are in His presence you are receiving everything you need for this battle to keep going to push forward.

Like I said, EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Those couple of weeks before when I had experienced the crazy black fog of depression, it literally felt like there was no way out, and I didn't even know how to begin to try and talk to God. Weird because that has become such a natural thing over these past few months, but I felt so overwhelmed like I literally couldn't do anything else. So I mentioned before that I had started doing Angie's Bible study, Seamless, with some friends. I've never been very good about being consistent with Bible studies, so I made a commitment to myself and to my friends that I was going to do it every single day. I did pretty well the first week. Today wrapped up week 2. It was TOUGH. I had so many days that I was tempted to not do it because I was tired or whatever other reason, but I set the feelings aside and did it anyway because I made the commitment. And boy, did God show up! 

I'm learning that as long as I'm faithful enough to show up, He will too. If you're not familiar with Seamless, first of all, you should stop reading this right now and go grab yourself a copy. Secondly, it's basically an overview of the Bible from start to finish that helps paint the big picture of God's story and His love for us. So far, we've studied the creation of the world all the way through the patriarchs of the Bible. These are stories that I've read countless times through the years, but it's literally like I'm seeing them with a new set of eyes this time around. Already, God had been impressing upon me recently how the people in the Bible were just average people who allowed God to use them in amazing ways. That has become so real to me here lately. I think it's easy to feel like we're removed from the Old Testament and that God is somehow different now because He doesn't send floods to wipe out the earth or tell us to go kill all the people who don't follow Him. But these stories are real events that happened in the lives of real people who God chose to use in His great story. Not so different from us after all, now that I think of it. Two of the most impacting stories to me so far have been the lives of Jacob and Joseph. I feel like I can relate to both of them in very different ways. 

Reading about how Jacob was constantly manipulating his circumstances to get what he wanted or to make sure he came out on top and then seeing the consequences of how that played out in his life is so convicting. I know I'm oftentimes guilty of trying to control my circumstances and manipulate things in a way that seems best to me. The way that God was faithful to fulfill His promise to Jacob and his forefathers, despite all the shenanigans that Jacob pulled along the way just leaves me in awe. It gives me so much hope that even when I royally screw things up, God is able to redeem it (and me!) and use my life for His plan and His purposes. Also, reading about the night that Jacob wrestled with God was life-changing for me. It's sort of one of those stories I was familiar with but never really "got." Until now. It is absolutely incredible to me to see how, in that moment, Jacob's life had come full circle, as if his entire life was leading up to that moment. Here he is, about to see his brother (whom he had fled from in fear of his life years before over some stunts he pulled) for the first time in many years and was, no doubt, scared to death. 

Reading that story this week, it just came alive for me, seeing how, despite everything he had been through and all the bad choices he had made in his life up to that point, he wrestled with God as if he was finally settling the score of who he was and who was in charge of his life. The story goes that Jacob wrestled with God until the break of day, and when it seemed that Jacob was not going to give up, God touched his hip and displaced it from the socket. God then said He needed to go because morning had come, and Jacob refused to let Him go until He had blessed him. At that point, God asked him what his name was. When he replied that it was Jacob, God said that from that moment forward, he was given a different name, Israel. That moment of surrender and humility when Jacob finally acknowledges that he is not as strong as he thinks he is and that he is not in control of anything is so beautiful. When he finally gets to that place of letting it all go, God not only physically changes him forever (he walked with a limp from that day forward as a reminder of his encounter with God), but he changed his name to signify that he is not the same person anymore. He could finally leave the baggage behind and be who God had created him to be. He was redeemed. That so resonates with me. While I may have started my walk with the Lord many years ago, these past few months have been such a defining moment in my relationship with Him. I know that I will never be the same. And I know that God WILL redeem this shattered mess and that He will make something beautiful out of it. I know that in so many ways, He is already doing it and that He will continue to do it! In that vein, I'd like to share this song. More on its significance a little later on...I hope you'll keep reading!

Unredeemed - Selah

The cruelest words, the coldest heart

The deepest wounds, the endless dark

The lonely ache, the burning tears

The bitter nights, the wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart

But we know these are

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing

They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored

But when anything that’s shattered is laid before the Lord

Just watch and see it will not be 

Unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame

And all the love that never came

For every vow that someone broke

And every life that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall

But the cross says these are all … 

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing

They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored

But you never know the miracles the Father has in store

Just watch and see it will not be 

Just watch and see it will not be

Unredeemed

Ok, back to the Bible study now...The second story that really impacted me this week is the story of Joseph. Unlike Jacob, who basically deserved everything he got for being so conniving and manipulative, Joseph really didn't deserve much of anything that happened to him. I mean, he was sold into slavery by his own brothers who were jealous of him, then thrown in prison because the wife of his owner made a pass at him that he refused to reciprocate. Then ultimately, God's promise to him was fulfilled in that he became a ruler in Egypt. Reading the story of when his brothers come to him begging for food because of the horrible famine and how Joseph responded just blew me away. I've always read that and never quite understood how Joseph could be so willing to just forgive all of the awfulness that his brothers had done to him. He must have had so many moments throughout his life when he was tempted to despair and throw himself a pity party about how awful his life was and how he didn't deserve any of it. But reading the story of him talking to his brothers after he's revealed who he really is to them was like I could literally see him looking over the events of his life and having this giant "aha" moment as he put all the pieces of God's plan together in his mind. Looking at it like that, from his brothers selling him into slavery to every event that happened afterwards and ultimately resulted in him not only saving his family but the entire nation from famine, how could he not be in awe of God's sovereignty and forgive them?! That definitely put an entirely new spin on the story for me.

I've said this before, but losing a child is one of those things that just happens TO you. There are so many things in life that happen as a result of our choices or actions, and then there are those things that happen TO us that we have zero control over. Losing Ellie was one of those things. And while I haven't had that great "aha" moment like Joseph must have experienced yet, I have had several "aha" moments along the way as I've realized how many other events in my life were in some way preparing me for what I'm now walking through. And I know that one day I will be able to say the same thing about this situation. I'm sorry, y'all. I warned you at the beginning that I had a lot of words. I still have so much more to say...

I'd like to take a moment and just share a few of the major things that God has done this week since I last posted. I get so excited even starting to tell these stories because seriously, God is just SO good. And His timing is SO perfect. A couple of months ago, I had a mama reach out to me on Facebook. I've never met her. We're in a mutual group for mamas here locally. She had seen some of my posts about Ellie and said that she makes jewelry and would love to make a keepsake necklace for me. At the time, I was still so overwhelmed and feeling like I was in a fog all the time that I just gave her all of our names and Ellie's life verse and told her to do whatever she thought looked good because I just couldn't process anything else right then. Several weeks went by and I never heard back from her. Then late last week, a package arrived in the mail, and I just knew that's what it was. Y'all, it's seriously the coolest thing! It's a silver bar that has Matthew + Caitlin on one side and then each of our three babies' names around the other sides. It's absolutely perfect! The necklace arrived in the cutest little box and with the sweetest card from this mama, telling me how she'd been praying for us. The card also said that she included a roller bottle of an essential oil blend that she had found helpful and wanted to share with me.

What she didn't know is that I have been desperately wanting to get my hands on this particular blend, which is designed to help with emotional trauma (I don't think I've written about this yet, but I've been finding essential oils to be extremely helpful with my emotions and anxiety). I had never told anybody how much I wanted that oil. I hadn't even prayed about it or asked God for it. I just had planned to order it at some point when I was able to. But God knew, and He led this sweet new friend to send it to me. Then not even an hour after it arrived, I received news that another sweet friend of mine had lost her nephew in very much the same way that we lost Ellie. Like the similarities are crazy. Anyway, I share that to say that, not only did God provide this oil that I had so desperately wanted but never even thought to ask Him for, but He sent it just in time for me to have access to it when I was feeling overwhelmed and grieving all over again for my friend and her sister. 

A few days later, one night I "randomly" came across an album recorded by Angie's sister-in-law, Nicol. Nicol was one of the original members of Selah, my favorite group. She had a baby shortly before Todd and Angie had their daughter Audrey, who passed away the day she was born. Nicol's son Luke passed away from SIDS at only 71 days old. I knew the story of what had happened from following Angie's blog so many years ago, and I also knew that Nicol had recorded some solo music but had never heard it before. Until now. Again, because God's timing is perfect. I'm totally not a songwriter, but if I were, I'd imagine that I could have written something like this album. That feels totally weird to say, but let me explain. This album was released about 2 years after Luke passed away. It is very apparent, knowing what she was going through, that the album is all about her journey of grief and wrestling with God in the midst of not understanding her circumstances. For me, that wrestling has come out in blog form. For her, it's the album. I'm not even kidding. Every single song is SO powerful! I can't wait to write about some of the songs and how God is using them to minister to my heart. Soon....

So finally, the icing on the cake. You may remember that I wrote a few weeks ago how God brought Angie Smith here just for me. I'm not kidding. He totally orchestrated that just for me. And now, just over a month later, He arranged for Selah to come to my town for a concert. As far as I know, they have NEVER been to my town. I've driven to see them a few times, but they've never come here where I live. Until now. A month after Angie comes. I realize I might sound a little crazy talking about how they came here just for me. I'm sure there was a lot more that went into them each being brought to this area, but I can't help but see it as God orchestrating it all just to show me how much He cares. So this afternoon, on the first sunny day in the long, dreary, rainy week, I got to spend some time with my mom shopping for flowers to put in the vase on Ellie's gravestone that has finally arrived. We then went out to the cemetery and arranged them together. It's absolutely perfect, and now the flowers finish it off beautifully! Once we finished that, we headed to the auditorium to see Selah perform. Selah has been a favorite band of my mom's for a long time as well. They were here as a part of a women's conference, so there was also a speaker. They came out first and literally every single song was pointed right at my heart. Let me just say, it was a good thing I thought to throw some tissues in my purse before I left. 

After they sang a few songs, the speaker came out. Right off the bat, she started talking about the Israelites wandering in the wilderness and then taking the promised land, which is pretty much EXACTLY where I'm at in my Seamless study right now. Because that's totally a coincidence! 😉 She talked about how, despite all of the absolutely amazing things God had done to provide for His people and to deliver their enemies into their hands, after a while, they completely forgot about Him and started to worship other gods. She shared some of her own testimony and how we can build a godly culture in our lives. It's really simple. Step one is remembering God's faithfulness, or sharing His story. Step two is reminding others of God's faithfulness, or sharing our story. She described some incredibly painful things she's gone through in her life and how each time she shares those things with others, God heals her even more. She talked about how every single thing we experience in life can be used to help someone else. That totally resonated with me because I really feel like I have a mission to share Ellie's story with anyone who will listen because God has been so good that I literally can't NOT share. And I am finding healing through my writing and through sharing our story with others.

To wrap things up, after the concert, we had the opportunity to say hi to Selah, and I was able to speak with Todd about what we've been going through. It's always such an amazing moment when I have the opportunity to talk with another parent who has lost a child. It's just like this instant understanding of each other takes place as soon as we start talking. I was able to tell him about how much God has ministered to me these past few months through their music and through their story. He asked if he could hug me and then started giving me some amazing advice, including telling me to keep talking to God. I'm not even kidding. He was telling me about times he and Angie had experienced after losing their daughter Audrey and how it's so important for me to talk to God about whatever I'm feeling. He told me it's ok to be angry or frustrated or any of the other emotions that I might feel. He told me to keep bringing those things to God and talking to Him. See? Full circle. Because God is good, and He obviously wants me to get the hint! 😊 

I've been holding onto this song for a while, knowing I wanted to write about it at some point. I've been holding onto it because it just hasn't felt like it was the right time to share it yet. I just felt like I would know when it was time. It's been one of my favorites ever since I heard it for the first time. It was one that God led me to include in my birthing playlist so many months ago that continues ministering to me constantly. And now it's time. I feel like there's no better song to sum up these past few months and the events of the past couple of weeks.

You Amaze Us - Selah

You are our life when death is all around

You are our peace when all else seems to fail

You are our strength when our weakness overcomes

You are, yes you are

When our world is shaken 

When our hope is broken

Still You are God of all

You amaze us

You alone are worthy of our praises

You deserve our worship 

We adore You

Your glory and Your majesty

Renew us 

Consume us

Your word brings light when darkness falls around

Your word speaks truth when we’re lost and wandering

You are our God, above You there’s no one else

You are, yes You are

When our world is shaken 

When our hope is broken

Still You are God of all

You amaze us

You alone are worthy of our praises

You deserve our worship 

We adore You

Your glory and Your majesty

Renew us 

Consume us

All the glory and honor belongs to You

Renew us 

Consume us