The Story of Ellie Love

As I sit down to write, I’m not even sure where to begin. Eleanor “Ellie” Love Kropchuk was the most beautiful surprise. In March 2017, my husband Matthew and I were so excited to find out she was on the way to join big brother Timothy (3 years old) and big sister Caroline (20 months). Since I already have two children, pregnancy was nothing new for me. But Ellie was different. I won’t go into all the reasons why now, but even my doctor at one point commented as we laughed together about how active Ellie always was that this pregnancy was just different than the others. Around 7 months into my pregnancy, I felt led to create a playlist that I would listen to during my birthing time. If you know me, you probably know that I LOVE music. Always have. God often uses music to minster to me in very unique and specific ways. My favorite thing to do is throw a bunch of favorite songs into a playlist and then put it on shuffle because He always brings the exact songs I need in the moment I need them. Typically, I don’t put a ton of thought into playlists that I make. I just grab a bunch of songs I like and press play. However, this time was different. I prayed over the list and the songs as they were each carefully selected based on the Lord’s leading. For some reason, I felt particularly drawn to songs about the cross and the suffering of Jesus. It seemed a little odd to me at the time, but I knew that’s what He was prompting me to do, so I did. You may be wondering why I’m telling you about this. Hang on for the ride, it’ll start making sense soon. 😉

Ellie Love entered this world just before 4 pm on Friday, November 3^rd, 2017. She was 7 pounds, 9 ounces and 19.25 inches of perfection! Even her birth was different from the births of my other children. She was just special, and we all knew it. She decided to meet us a little sooner than expected, at only 36 weeks and 4 days. She spent a few hours in the NICU just to make sure all was ok since she was a bit early. More on this later, but looking back, I’m thankful for this time because she was checked very thoroughly, much more so than a typical newborn is. About 48 hours after she was born, we joyfully took her home to meet her big brother and sister. Big brother Timothy was SO excited to meet her. In fact, when we walked in and he saw his daddy carrying Ellie in her car seat, Timothy knew exactly who she was. Daddy took her out and held her where Timothy could see her. He immediately wrapped his arms around her and loved her. Then he quickly started to try to walk away with her and watch “dinosaurs” with her on TV because priorities. His little sister was finally here, and she needed to be introduced to one of his favorite movies ASAP! I’ll never forget the look of sheer awe and amazement in his eyes when he saw his little sister for the first time. Big sister Caroline was a little less excited at first. She wasn’t quite sure about being “promoted” from the baby to the middle child.

We had the best time with Ellie during the 10 days she was with us on this earth. Mommy felt great, so we got out and about more than we otherwise would have. I always enjoy having “skin to skin” time with my babies as newborns. But again, Ellie was different. I had, for lack of a better way to describe it, a compulsive need to hold her All. The. Time. Really unlike anything I’d ever experienced. Of course, I always enjoy snuggling my newborns, but I also like teaching my kids independence from an early age, so they usually nap swaddled in their beds and spend some time in their swings (which is also a necessity when you have 2 toddlers to chase!). I felt an instinctive need to be close to Ellie always. She spent most of her short little life “stuffed” down in my shirt close to my heart. Ellie had the biggest personality that I have ever seen in a newborn. She had definite likes and dislikes, and she was very bright-eyed and alert for a baby her age. I’m also not one to typically bed share with my babies. I don’t sleep very well that way, so it’s just not something I’ve ever done with my other babies. But Ellie was different. There were many nights that I just couldn’t bear to put her in her bassinet, so she’d sleep snuggled up next to me. I’m so thankful we had that special time together.

Monday morning, November 13^th was a day that will forever be seared into my memory. We woke up to what seemed to be an ordinary day. I changed Ellie’s diaper and began to feed her. Everything seemed totally normal until it just wasn’t. Suddenly, she just stopped eating. For a moment, I thought she had fallen back asleep. Then I realized something was very wrong. I screamed for my husband who was in the other room. He came running in, and I told him something was terribly wrong. He immediately picked her up and tried to wake her. Then he began to suction her mouth thinking she might have an airway obstruction. At that point, his paramedic skills took over, and he began trying to resuscitate her while I dialed 911. The next few minutes were a blur as we worked together as a team, performing CPR and preparing for the ambulance to arrive. Fast forward to the hospital. A room full of doctors and nurses worked tirelessly to save Ellie. A few short hours later, we were given the news that no parent ever wants to receive. Our sweet Ellie’s little body was shutting down. She had no brain activity. They recommended that we withdraw care. Those words sound so cold and awful. How could we withdraw care from our sweet baby that we are supposed to love and care for? While we understood the reality of the situation, it just did not seem right to simply “withdraw care.”

We decided to wait a little while so that Ellie’s grandparents could come into town and meet her. They had planned to come visit us for Thanksgiving and had not been able to make it for her birth since she came a little earlier than expected. So, we spent the next few hours holding and loving on our sweet girl. A little after 3 pm, it became clear that Ellie was about to leave us. At that point, I asked them to unplug everything so that she could be skin to skin, close to my heart, one last time. Although we had been warned that her passing could potentially be more traumatic if it happened on its own rather than us deciding when to withdraw care, that wasn’t the case at all. A few moments later, Ellie passed from my arms into the arms of Jesus in the most beautiful and peaceful way possible.

Because we were still waiting on her grandparents to arrive, we had a couple more hours to hold her and love her. During that time, some friends brought Timothy and Caroline to the hospital to say goodbye. At first, we weren’t going to do that because we didn’t want it to be scary for them, but I remembered that we didn’t have a single picture of Caroline and Ellie together. During those 10 days, Caroline had reached the point of being very excited to see Ellie but hadn’t quite been ready to hold her yet. Timothy and Caroline joined us, and we made a few more memories as a family of 5 with an entourage of family and friends around taking pictures to capture those beautiful moments. Both of them kissed her and said, “bye-bye, Baby Ellie,” as they left. I’ll write more specifics later, but for now I’ll just say that every single moment of that day was perfectly orchestrated by God. He took care of all of the details, no matter how big or how small. As I write this, we're still not sure what happened inside Ellie's little body. However, we believe it was likely something with her heart.

**Update - After extensive genetic testing, which all returned normal, our geneticist believes, that Ellie suffered from an extremely rare metabolic disorder known as Glycogen Storage Disease. Essentially, the imbalance caused her blood sugar to bottom out very suddenly, which triggered cardiac arrest. She ultimately passed away as a result of the brain damage sustained during resuscitation attempts. Unfortunately, her little body just wasn't strong enough to bounce back. By all accounts, it seems this was a medical "fluke," as we are not carriers for the disease, and it is unlikely to happen again.**

A few days later, our family and friends gathered together to celebrate Ellie’s life with us. Her service was a beautiful testament to how God can use even the shortest little life for His kingdom and His glory. He has continued to show Himself to be faithful. He has used that playlist I mentioned earlier to minister to me in new ways daily, which has inspired me to write and share His grace and His goodness with others. We miss our Ellie Girl fiercely, but we know we will see her again in the blink of an eye. Until then, He is carrying us through the darkest yet most beautiful days on this new life-long journey called grief.