I don’t feel like I have anything particularly inspired to write tonight. It’s been a hard few days. Overall, I’ve been amazed at how quickly I recovered from Ellie’s birth. In fact, because she was only with us for 10 days, at times it almost feels like I didn’t even have a baby recently. I know that probably sounds weird. It feels weird to me as I type this. Once my milk dried up (a very excruciating process, by the way!), and other than a few small twinges here and there, it seems like any physical reminders of having been pregnant and giving birth so recently have simply vanished.
However, this week it has all hit me like a freight train. My hormones have been all over the map, and I’ve experienced an awful anxiety, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I have felt VERY on edge about everything and have been entirely too snippy to those around me. I’ve struggled to take care of my kids as well as I normally would because I feel so impatient constantly. I generally am not overly “hormonal-feeling” after giving birth (or otherwise, for that matter). I’m sure that the grieving process has magnified whatever hormones are going on inside my body as well. I mention all of this to say that I absolutely HATE the feeling of not being in control of myself. It almost feels like an out of body experience at times, where I can see and feel myself getting upset at things that probably otherwise wouldn’t even faze me. Anxiety isn’t something that I typically deal with, so it has been completely foreign and overwhelming this week.
For the most part, when I’m not feeling very intense emotions, I feel completely “blah.” All of the things that typically help me when I’m struggling have just seemed inadequate this week. I thought about not writing at all because I didn’t feel like I had anything positive to say. However, in the interest of being real, this is what I’ve got right now. The emotions are raw, and the anxiety is real. However, I’m constantly being reminded that God is right here with me through this agonizing process. And it is just that, a process. It won’t always be pretty. It will rarely, if ever, be neat and tidy. Despite all of that, He is still here, and when I allow my heart to get quiet enough to listen, He reminds me that He is holding me through it all. As I thought about that today, He brought this song to mind, yet another song that He led me to include in my birthing playlist just a few short months ago. I hope it speaks to you as much as it does to me.
He’ll Hold You – Selah
Storms may come, storms may go
The pain may linger like melting snow
The wind may toss you to and fro
But He’ll hold you through it all
He’ll hold you when the tempest rages all around
He’ll hold you, plant your feet on solid ground
He’ll hold you when the waves come crashing down
He’ll hold you through it all
Hard times will come, rain will pour
You can’t see the road anymore
Your heart’s been washed up upon life’s shore
But He’ll hold you through it all
He’ll hold you when the tempest rages all around
He’ll hold you, plant your feet on solid ground
He’ll hold you when the waves come crashing down
He’ll hold you through it all
When you’re fallin’, hear Him callin’
He will come in the midst of your storm
Just hold on tight with all your might
He will hold you through it all
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
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