Many people have been asking me how I'm doing in these days since Ellie's home-going. Usually I just say, "I'm ok but not ok." That's really the honest truth. I don't know if I'll ever be "ok" again. I have forever been changed by the events of the last 4 weeks. But at the same time, I'm "ok" because God is carrying me every step of the way, and I look forward to the day when I'll get to see my sweet #EllieLove again. I know she's in the best of hands until then. I trust that He has a bigger plan for us and for Ellie than what we may be able to see right now. Fair warning, this post will be a little long. I really hope you'll bear with me for a moment and keep reading to the end. I'd like to share a more detailed answer to the question of how I'm doing.
Oftentimes God will use music to minister to me greatly. Selah has been one of my favorite artists for a long time because their music speaks truth in such a beautiful and worshipful way. A couple of months ago as I was putting together a playlist of worship music to listen to during my birthing time with Ellie, He really impressed a particular song of theirs upon my heart. The instant I heard it, I just *knew* it was going to be a song I would absolutely cling to in the coming days. At the time, I thought it was about fully relying on Jesus during the labor and delivery process. I listened to it often in the weeks leading up to Ellie's birth. I trusted Him with Ellie's birth process. Little did I know the bigger picture He had in store when He asked me if I would trust Him.
I've said several times over the past couple of weeks that, although I didn't realize it at the time, looking back I can see subtle ways that God was preparing my heart for what our family was about to walk through. Leading up to Ellie's birth and during those wonderful 10 days she was with us here on earth, I never once felt anxiety, fear or unease - only peace and joy as we welcomed our little girl into the world and settled in at home with our new family of 5 - yet somehow my heart was ready to accept the impossible and devastating reality of what we faced on November 13th. While I've certainly experienced the complete gamut of emotions over the past two and a half weeks, He has been ever-present and ever-faithful to give me the grace I need to get through each day.
I've listened to this particular song many times since her death as well. God ministers to my heart every single time I listen. It's just such a powerful reminder that He is always with us, no matter what we're going through. Tonight when this came on for probably the 500th time in the past few weeks, I heard it completely differently than ever before. I just love how God does that. I know every word to the song and have sung them all so many times. But tonight it was like a beautiful punch in the gut (Is that a thing? If not, it is now...) and the words really sank in.
As I listened, it struck me how God gently and lovingly guides us step by step along this journey called life, never giving us more than we can handle. We don't know what's coming next, and we only see the tangled mess that is the back side of the beautiful tapestry He's weaving as His story and plan for us unfolds. One day we'll get to see the other side, the finished picture. But until then, He just asks us to trust Him. So simple, yet sometimes it feels like the hardest thing to do.
I can honestly say there has never been a time in my life that has been easier for me to trust Him than these past few weeks because there is nothing to do BUT trust Him. So many times throughout my life I've played the back and forth game, leaving my burdens at the foot of the cross only to pick them back up again because I think somehow I can handle it better than He can. In this situation, I *know* there's no way I can handle it on my own. Like I said, there really is no option but to trust Him.
I've included the lyrics to the song here below so you can read along as you listen. I pray it ministers to you as much as it has to me. (PS - keep reading past the lyrics. I'm almost done, I promise!)
It may not seem I have what it will take
I fear that in the face of trial I'll break
Any trouble's just a day away
But Lord, I trust You
The best and worst of days are yet to come
Be glorified regardless of the cost
Be magnified in whether joy or loss
Lord, I trust You
Lord, You are life inside the fire
Lord, You are the grace that rises higher
There will never be a day that You are not with me
Oh Lord, I trust You
I believe but help my unbelief
Help me go wherever You will lead
Do with me whatever You would please
Lord, I trust You
Lord, You are life inside the fire
Lord, You are the grace that rises higher
There will never be a day that You are not with me
Oh Lord, I trust You
I can't find the strength to pray
It all seems lost and it's too late
I cannot fear what comes my way
But find me faithful in the day
Because the only hope I have is You will be enough
Lord, You are life inside the fire
Lord, You are the grace that rises higher
There will never be a day that You are not with me
Oh Lord, I trust You
These days when I'm listening to the playlist of songs that continue to minister to me over and over, God always makes certain specific lines stand out to me. Sometimes it's the same line as the time before that serves as a gentle reminder of His love and promises. Other times it's something completely different. The line in this song that has stood out to me like no other from the very first time I heard it is this:
**Because the only hope I have is You will be enough**
So that's how I'm doing. There are days I feel ok and life almost seems almost normal in a weird way. There are other days when I absolutely feel like I'm about to fall apart and I have no idea how to put one foot in front of the other. But the only hope I have is He will be enough. He has been enough. He is enough. And He will continue to be enough. I know that to be true.
Comments
Post a Comment