How do you live with the pain of losing a child? That has got to be one of the hardest questions I’ve ever been forced to ask myself. How do you deal with the intense pain of traumatic circumstances in your life? At #EllieLove’s visitation, a loved one stood next to me as we looked at her in the tiny casket and repeated to me over and over, “You just never get over it. You’re never going to get over this.” In that moment, that was absolutely the last thing I wanted to be hearing. I generally don’t like being told what to do or how to feel – I might have a little bit of stubborn streak in me. 😊 But on a deeper level, everything within me wanted to start screaming at her, “NO! I refuse to let this overtake my life and prevent me from experiencing love, joy and all the beautiful things that God has for me in this life! I refuse to walk around totally numb and incapable of doing anything but mourning or wallowing in my pain, unable to notice the suffering of those around me. I’ve watched too many friends and loved ones live this way, and I refuse to allow myself to become that!”
For me, as for most of us I’m sure, pain is not a stranger. We all have things we go through in life that are painful, some more than others. Several years ago, when my husband of 9 months decided he didn’t want to be married and walked out I thought I was experiencing the worst pain ever. Even in the middle of it, I knew God would somehow use it for good, but I prayed that He would teach me whatever He wanted me to learn through it so that I didn’t have to go through anything like that ever again. I was determined to power through and deal with whatever issues came up because I did NOT want to face anything like that ever again. I did pretty well at it for a while, but then I got tired. So I started burying things. Emotions and insecurities would surface, and I would ignore them, wishing them away. Problem was, they didn’t go away. They stayed inside, festered and made me miserable and depressed.
As time went on, it became so overwhelming that I felt like I had this giant yarn-like ball of emotions and if I tugged at any of the strings, it would all unravel. So I left it alone. I became even more miserable. Finally, at the urging of a friend, I picked up The Emotionally Healthy Woman by Geri Scazzero that I mentioned the other day. Piece by piece, with God’s help, I started to unravel that giant ball of emotions until I finally reached a healthy place where I could once again properly deal with my emotions. That’s not to say I’m an expert by any means, and I don’t always deal with my emotions like I should. But at least I know what it’s like to not deal with them at all, and I know what I *should* do to deal with them.
Fast forward to today. The pain of losing my daughter is SO much greater than anything I have ever experienced. Once again, I am faced with the decision of what to do with the pain and emotions associated with loss. I could absolutely close myself off from everyone and everything and find some sort of unhealthy alternative to make myself feel numb and avoid dealing with the pain. But what good would that do anyone? The pain will still be there. In fact, if left undealt with, it will grow and turn into a huge monster that seems even harder to overcome the longer I leave it alone. One thing I have found really helpful in the past and especially over the past few weeks is reading.
After Ellie passed, I got on Amazon and started looking through books that might be helpful for my situation. After all, where in the world do I even start trying to figure out how to process this and put the pieces of my heart back together? I quickly racked up quite a list of books that I thought might be helpful, and I prayed over them, asking God to show me where to start. I repeatedly felt drawn to a book called Heart Made Whole by Christa Black Gifford. Like me, Christa also lost her newborn daughter very suddenly and unexpectedly. In it, she describes how she too has used unhealthy ways of dealing with pain in her past. As I was reading today, this section jumped off the page at me:
“This time around, with this level of heartache over losing my daughter, I’ve been determined to try a new approach. I have chosen to turn around and run towards the pain. Like a young boy named David facing an enormous giant, I have chosen to take on the monster named Pain. I have thrown my arms around this current suffering and all the hardships that come with it and have made a commitment to feel everything as the heavy emotions of grief, anger, hurt, and loss steamroll over my soul on a daily basis. I have pledged to learn everything I can inside this fire to equip me to overcome future flames. I have invited the refining nature of extreme heat to consume everything in my heart that keeps me broken.
I have not shut down like I have in the past...
For me, as for most of us I’m sure, pain is not a stranger. We all have things we go through in life that are painful, some more than others. Several years ago, when my husband of 9 months decided he didn’t want to be married and walked out I thought I was experiencing the worst pain ever. Even in the middle of it, I knew God would somehow use it for good, but I prayed that He would teach me whatever He wanted me to learn through it so that I didn’t have to go through anything like that ever again. I was determined to power through and deal with whatever issues came up because I did NOT want to face anything like that ever again. I did pretty well at it for a while, but then I got tired. So I started burying things. Emotions and insecurities would surface, and I would ignore them, wishing them away. Problem was, they didn’t go away. They stayed inside, festered and made me miserable and depressed.
As time went on, it became so overwhelming that I felt like I had this giant yarn-like ball of emotions and if I tugged at any of the strings, it would all unravel. So I left it alone. I became even more miserable. Finally, at the urging of a friend, I picked up The Emotionally Healthy Woman by Geri Scazzero that I mentioned the other day. Piece by piece, with God’s help, I started to unravel that giant ball of emotions until I finally reached a healthy place where I could once again properly deal with my emotions. That’s not to say I’m an expert by any means, and I don’t always deal with my emotions like I should. But at least I know what it’s like to not deal with them at all, and I know what I *should* do to deal with them.
Fast forward to today. The pain of losing my daughter is SO much greater than anything I have ever experienced. Once again, I am faced with the decision of what to do with the pain and emotions associated with loss. I could absolutely close myself off from everyone and everything and find some sort of unhealthy alternative to make myself feel numb and avoid dealing with the pain. But what good would that do anyone? The pain will still be there. In fact, if left undealt with, it will grow and turn into a huge monster that seems even harder to overcome the longer I leave it alone. One thing I have found really helpful in the past and especially over the past few weeks is reading.
After Ellie passed, I got on Amazon and started looking through books that might be helpful for my situation. After all, where in the world do I even start trying to figure out how to process this and put the pieces of my heart back together? I quickly racked up quite a list of books that I thought might be helpful, and I prayed over them, asking God to show me where to start. I repeatedly felt drawn to a book called Heart Made Whole by Christa Black Gifford. Like me, Christa also lost her newborn daughter very suddenly and unexpectedly. In it, she describes how she too has used unhealthy ways of dealing with pain in her past. As I was reading today, this section jumped off the page at me:
“This time around, with this level of heartache over losing my daughter, I’ve been determined to try a new approach. I have chosen to turn around and run towards the pain. Like a young boy named David facing an enormous giant, I have chosen to take on the monster named Pain. I have thrown my arms around this current suffering and all the hardships that come with it and have made a commitment to feel everything as the heavy emotions of grief, anger, hurt, and loss steamroll over my soul on a daily basis. I have pledged to learn everything I can inside this fire to equip me to overcome future flames. I have invited the refining nature of extreme heat to consume everything in my heart that keeps me broken.
I have not shut down like I have in the past...
I have refused to live numb.
I have not run to escape.
And I will never turn my back on the pain of losing my daughter.
She deserves better than that.
At this very moment, I’m standing inside the most agonizing moments of my life, knowing that if I don’t continue to deal with the pain that accompanies this trauma, it will destroy my heart and cripple me for years to come. So each day I choose to confront the reality that I will never hear my daughter’s sweet little voice, or watch her crawl for the first time, or drop her off at school and wave good-bye, or feel her soft dark curls between my fingers as she falls asleep, nestled safely under my chin. And when I sit down in the hottest fire of my life, the unexpected happens: The very place of my deepest pain becomes the starting point of my heart’s greatest healing.
You see, pain itself is not the enemy. Pain is inevitable in this bumper-car life where you will continue to collide with a fallen world that you cannot control. Unhealed pain, however, will become your greatest foe if your broken heart is not made whole again after each collision. And dearest friend, there is only One who can take the shattered pieces of your heart and put it back together so that it flourishes even in the worst situations.”
Christa goes on to say that instead of giving the pat answers that a lot of people probably expect when they ask how she’s doing, she says this, “Today is the most painful day of my life, but my heart is still thriving.” Wow. What a beautifully raw and honest answer! I recently heard someone say, “When we choose to love, we choose to grieve.” The truth is, I’ll never stop loving my daughter. I’ll never stop wishing she was here with us on this side of heaven. The truth is, I’ll never stop grieving her loss, BECAUSE I LOVE HER. But she would not want me to let my love for her keep me from being her voice in this world and making an impact in His kingdom. She may not have a voice here on earth anymore, but her short little life has already had a great impact on eternity, and I know it will continue to do so. Part of that depends on me and how I choose to deal with the pain of losing her.
One of the songs God led me to add to my birthing playlist a few months ago and one that has been playing on repeat since is “Gracefully Broken” by Matt Redman. It’s so fitting with Christa’s words. “I have invited the refining nature of extreme heat to consume everything in my heart that keeps me broken.” May it be so, Lord. 💗
Gracefully Broken - Matt Redman
Take all I have in these hands
And multiply, God, all that I am
And find my heart on the altar again
Set me on fire, set me on fire
Oh, take all I have in these hands
And multiply, God, all that I am
And find my heart on the altar again
Set me on fire, set me on fire
Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken
My heart stands in awe of Your name
Your mighty love stands strong to the end
You will fulfill Your purpose for me
You won't forsake me, You will be with me
Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken
Pouring out my life again
All to Jesus now
All to Jesus now
Holding nothing back
Holding nothing back
I surrender
I surrender
I surrender
I surrender
Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken
Pouring out my life again
Your power at work in me
I'm broken gracefully
I'm strong when I am weak
I will be free
Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken
Pouring out my life again
Hi, I felt drawn to read little Ellie's story and your story. I just want to thank you for sharing her beauty with everyone and for the reminder that god truly provides for us in our darkest hour so long as we continue to trust and believe in him. I don't know if you have heard of the non-profit organization called "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" or not but they come to the hospital and provide those who are suffering thee loss of a baby with pictures to have as memories. They are so much more then just their photography though, Through them you can find others to talk to who can relate to you as you mourn your loss as well as find help with healing. They also provide special keepsakes such as the ornament they have available this year. All proceeds go toward funding their mission of providing remembrance photography. I look forward to following your journey
ReplyDeleteand learning how to further place trust in our savior no matter the conditions as this is something I struggle with but you have touched my heart in so many ways. I pray that Jesus continues to work through you to show others just how amazing and plentiful his love truly is.