I have felt so loved today! I was writing a post to share some specifics of how God has shown up on this birthday that not too long ago I wondered how I could possibly celebrate, when God stopped me. I’m sure I’ll share more on that at some point, but for now I’ll just say that no one could possibly love us better than the God of the universe who created us and knows us better than we know ourselves. I’ve said over and over how He just keeps showing up in such tangible ways and providing exactly what I need oftentimes even before I know I need it. Psalm 34:18 is a verse commonly quoted when someone experiences a loss. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and He delivers those whose spirit has been crushed.” It’s one of those things that almost begins to sound cliché after a while, appearing on all the sympathy cards. I’d just like to take a moment to say that truer words have never been spoken.
I’ve had some very real and tangible experiences with God in my life. I love to look back and see His hand in the events that have molded me into the person I am today. I didn’t always understand at the time (and sometimes I thought I understood only to later realize that He had something entirely different in mind than what I’d imagined.) All of that pales in comparison to what I’m currently walking through. Over the past few weeks, He has shown me ways that even years ago He was preparing my heart for these days, these moments. In Him, nothing is ever wasted. He always redeems our suffering when we trust Him. His ways are SO much higher than our ways, and we could never possibly begin to comprehend the mind of God.
One question that comes up frequently when bad things happen is why a loving God could allow such a thing, especially when it comes to something as awful as losing a child. People like to say all sorts of nice and neat little answers like, “God just needed another angel,” or “Your baby was just too perfect for earth,” or “God must be trying to teach you something,” or “God knew you were strong enough to handle it.” The truth is, we live in a fallen world. The moment that sin came into the picture, God’s perfect creation was broken. Because we live in a broken world full of sin and death, sometimes bad things just happen, even to good people. Does God cause them? No. Does God allow them to happen? Yes, as a natural consequence of humanity, His creation, living in a fallen world. I won’t even try to pretend to have all the answers to these questions. As Christians, sometimes it’s easy to think that God wouldn’t possibly allow something so terrible to happen to us. But He never promised this life would be easy. He never promised a life free of pain and suffering. In fact, He told us to expect it! What He does promise is to never leave us or forsake us. He does promise to carry us when we can’t walk on our own. He does promise to work all things together for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.
Yesterday, God brought a song to my mind that I hadn’t heard or even thought of in ages. It’s a song that He used to minister to me greatly a few years back in a completely different circumstance. It sums up exactly what I feel tonight. Earlier tonight, I was sharing with a friend how, in light of recent events, I can’t *not* talk about the goodness of God. Some people may feel uncomfortable asking questions about Ellie or what happened, but I love to share the story. God has been SO present and SO perfect throughout this entire experience that I simply cannot keep my mouth shut. I’m not even kidding! This has been the single best and worst experience of my life thus far. I realize that I probably sound a little crazy right now. From the outside, it’s hard to imagine how I could possibly be thankful for my present circumstance. I say that because if you had asked me a few months ago how I would feel or what I would do if my newborn baby girl died out of nowhere, I would have told you I can’t even imagine. The thought is too awful to even consider.
When #EllieLove was born, I had no idea she’d only be with us here on earth for 10 days. But God knew. He was there when she first began forming in my womb. He was there during all the sleepless nights and uncomfortable moments (or months!) of pregnancy. He was there when she drew her first breath. He was there when she drew her last. And He was there to pick up the pieces of my shattered world and shattered heart. He’s still picking up the pieces and will be for a long time. He didn’t “take her away” from us. He was there to receive her when her little earthly body had reached its end. He didn’t cause it to happen. But He knew her time here with us would be short, and He was right there weeping with us when that time came to an end. After all, He knows exactly what it’s like to lose a child.
We’ve all heard the verse, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” But how completely crazy is it that it was Job’s response to finding out that literally all his livelihood, possessions and children had been taken from him?! In the first chapter of the book of Job, literally a line of messengers come in to give him the worst news of his life. One by one, they tell him how everything he’s ever held dear to him has been completely destroyed in an instant. His response? He tears his robe and shaves his head in grief and then falls to the ground in worship. Then he utters those famous words, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” How could he possibly say that in that moment? That’s something I’ve never been able to wrap my head around. Until now.
These past few weeks I have learned that even in the most awful circumstances, He is still good. He is still holy. He is still worthy of praise. “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the LORD.” Psalm 27:12-13
With that in mind, I would like to share this song.
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
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