Christmas Joy

How was your Christmas? Seems like an innocent enough question to ask. In fact, many people do. But how do you answer that when it feels like a piece of your heart has been ripped out? Most people know that the holidays can be difficult for someone grieving the loss of a loved one. It’s awkward. We don’t really know what to say. So we ask, “How was your Christmas?” I still find it difficult to verbalize a lot of things aloud. That’s one of the reasons why I love writing so much. I can cry all the tears as I type, even when my eyes are too blurry to even see the screen. It helps more than I can express to write my thoughts and feelings down, even if in electronic form. However, it is SO HARD for me to talk about it sometimes because I just know that I’ll burst into tears at any moment. Don't get me wrong, that’s not always a bad thing. I don’t try to keep the tears from coming. But I am careful about when and how I let them come. Mostly I prefer to get alone with Jesus and cry with Him. 

So, how was my Christmas, you may ask? I don’t have a short answer for that. I can give you the long one, though. Here goes…To sum it up, it was as good as it could have been under the circumstances. This is the first year that my kids were really aware of what was going on, and they were especially excited about the “Christmas wikes (lights) and presents” as Timothy says. He literally ran around in circles for several minutes the other day when he got up from his nap and realized that presents had been wrapped while he slept. He kept screaming, “We have presents!! We have presents!!” Not that presents are what Christmas is about, but you know, he’s 3. To a 3 year old, presents are very exciting. 😊 Caroline was equally excited and has perfected her “surprised” face, which she made every time she opened a new gift or saw a snow man or Christmas tree that excited her. I enjoyed experiencing this Christmas through the eyes of my precious toddlers. In fact, we discovered rather by “accident” (obviously it was no accident, but we were unaware what God and Timothy’s Sunday School teacher had been planning) that Timothy had learned a very special dance at church this month. Seeing his sweet little three-year-old self worshiping Jesus and dancing to this song that celebrates the glory of Christmas brought so much joy to my heart. I captured it on video, and you can see it here. Fair warning, he had a cold, so there’s some nose-picking and awkward but oh-so-cute facial contortions as he struggled with his congestion. 😍😭

In typical 2 year old style, Caroline enjoyed playing with the boxes as much as with her presents!

Christmas morning was a wonderful time that we spent with my parents as the kids got to open their presents. I had a brief moment before the kids got up when the tears came as I thought of our sweet Ellie and wished she was here with us to celebrate, but missing her did not overshadow the joy of watching my earthly babies experience Christmas morning. Around lunchtime, we went over to spend the afternoon with some more family. This is usually one of my favorite times of the year. It’s always so fun to see family that we don’t get to see as often as we’d like. But this year was just different. As much as I enjoyed seeing everyone, I just felt like I didn’t have a whole lot to give. As if it was taking so much energy to just be there that I didn’t have much left for conversation or participating in the events of the day. It was important to me to be there and make those memories even though I didn’t feel much like celebrating at times. We ended up staying much longer than anticipated and longer than I felt like I was able to. Anybody who has ever grieved the loss of a loved one can probably relate when I say that it’s like just being is exhausting at times. Especially when I’m surrounded by other people. By the time we left, I felt completely drained. Not because the day wasn’t fun or meaningful, but because I just felt emotionally exhausted. 

I ended up driving myself and the kids home because my husband stayed behind to help fix a few things that needed to be done at the house. I was so glad that he was able to help, but at the same time I just didn’t know how I was going to find the strength to get us home, figure out dinner and get the kids to bed. Plus, I had really wanted to go by the cemetery for a little bit before it got dark. It quickly became apparent that things just weren't going to work out that way. As soon as I left to head home, all of the emotion and exhaustion of the day hit me like a ton of bricks. I turned on my music and let the tears flow. Tears can be so healing when you stop holding them back and let them come. I had put together a playlist of some “non-traditional” Christmas songs a couple of days prior as a compromise with my husband. He really loves listening to Christmas songs (normally I do too), but I just really couldn’t do it this year. Christmas songs made me feel so sad. I told him I didn’t want to listen to them at all. But it was important to him that we listen to some, so I put together a list of worshipful songs that focus on Jesus being the reason for the season but that don’t sound quite like the usual songs that we sing year after year. So on the drive home, I decided to listen to my Christmas worship playlist.

If you follow my blog, you’ve probably noticed that typically, I write each post based on a particular song that God has used to speak to my heart in a specific way. Fair warning, this post is going to be a bit different. Why? Because it’s in the moments when I’m experiencing my deepest pain that God shows up in the most incredible ways, and I would be doing a disservice to Him and to the beautiful experience He created for me that day if I limited my post to a single song or single moment in time. So here goes…

As I’ve said before, one of my favorite things to do is put a playlist on shuffle and allow God to minister to my heart however He sees fit in that moment. So as soon as I put the car in drive and turned on the music, the first song that came on was “Where Are You, Christmas,” performed by Selah. The lyrics really resonated with me, especially in light of how different this Christmas has been. I’ve struggled all season long with not feeling like myself and for not feeling much of “the Christmas spirit.” This song is such a perfect acknowledgement of how life is hard and things change, yet the reason for the season does not. I’m not the same this Christmas that I was last Christmas, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Regardless of how much pain and sorrow I may be experiencing right now, the truth is that Jesus came to earth to save us so that we might have eternal life, and that’s why we celebrate. It is a joyful thing that because of His sacrifice, I have the hope of seeing my precious Ellie again one day. Like the song says, “the joy of Christmas stays here inside us and fills each and every heart with love.” Even through the pain and tears, there is joy to be found this season, and it’s 100% ok to experience joy and pain at the same time. 

Where Are You, Christmas? - Selah

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Oh, Christmas is here, everywhere, oh
Christmas is here, if you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away, oh
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

A few minutes later, another song came on talking about that same joy that only He can give. As I’m sitting there bawling my eyes out, barely able to see the road and thinking about how I don’t feel joyful right now, only deep pain, I heard this line from the song clear as day, “Father in heaven, You gave us reason to see past the pain of today. We celebrate.” Up to that point, the rest of the song had seemed to be drowned out by my anguish, but God made sure I heard that part. I knew He was exactly right in that moment. I am so thankful that He has given me reason to see past the pain of today. That in itself is reason to celebrate, even when celebrating feels like the absolute last thing I want to do.

Joy - Selah

Every breath of air
Was a silent prayer
I was longing for Your face

And I wondered why
All the years went by
Without a single trace

Anticipating, Lord, we've been waiting
Just watching the days come and go
But now we know

Joy and the angels sang
There was joy
Let the whole world know this
Joy, our King has finally come
Joy, here is the promised One

Set the captives free
Tell the broken reed
Hope has been restored
And the one who cries
For a wandering child
Her tears are not ignored

Father in heaven,
You gave us reason
to see past the pain of today
We celebrate

Joy and the angels sang
There was joy
Let the whole world know this
Joy, our King has finally come
Joy, here is the promised One

Unending hope for all time
When the King of the ages arrived

Fast forward a bit. After a little while, I felt like the Christmas songs were just too overwhelming, so I switched back to my usual playlist. It’s my go-to when I am feeling upset. As I got back to town, I decided that even though the afternoon had not gone how I envisioned, it was important for me to go by the cemetery anyway. I know that Ellie isn’t really there. I don’t feel like I need to go there to talk to her or be near her. She’s always with me in my heart. But there is just something about going out there to pray that brings peace to my heart and sort of pushes the “reset” button of my soul. I decided it didn’t matter that it was dark outside. It didn’t matter that my kids were with me. It didn’t even matter that they might fuss the whole time because they don’t like being in the car unless it’s moving. If just felt as if somehow I was leaving her out of the day if I didn’t stop by for at least a minute. As I got closer to the cemetery, it just didn’t seem fair that I was having to go to a cemetery to be near my baby girl who was supposed to be with us today. My heart broke all over again. Shortly before I pulled into the cemetery, the song “Gracefully Broken,” started playing through my car speakers. I know I’ve written about that song before. In fact, it was the inspiration behind the name of this blog. This song has been both an anthem and a prayer for me over these past several weeks. God has promised that my tears are not in vain. In Psalms it says that He stores my tears in a bottle and counts them all. I truly believe that. My prayer is that I would allow God to use my brokenness for His glory, whatever that may look like. It’s a constant process of surrendering my heart to Him to be used however He chooses. It was a beautiful, messy moment of surrender and a reminder that He is with me always. He is strong when I am weak. “Your power at work in me. I’m broken gracefully. I’m strong when I am weak. I will be free.” That is my constant prayer throughout these harsh days of winter. 

Gracefully Broken - Matt Redman

Take all I have in these hands
And multiply, God, all that I am
And find my heart on the altar again
Set me on fire, set me on fire

Oh, take all I have in these hands
And multiply, God, all that I am
And find my heart on the altar again
Set me on fire, set me on fire

Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken

My heart stands in awe of Your name
Your mighty love stands strong to the end
You will fulfill Your purpose for me
You won't forsake me, You will be with me

Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken
Pouring out my life again

Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken
Oh, gracefully

All to Jesus now
All to Jesus now
Holding nothing back
Holding nothing back
I surrender
I surrender
I surrender
I surrender

Here I am, God
Arms wide open (here I am, here I am)
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken

Here I am, God
With my arms wide open (with my arms wide open)
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken, oh

Your power at work in me
I'm broken gracefully
I'm strong when I am weak
I will be free

Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken

So in that moment as I’m literally sobbing and crying out to God asking why does it have to hurt this much, He sends me yet another reminder to trust Him and let Him lead me through these dark days. The next song that came on was a song we played at Ellie’s celebration of life service. You can watch it here if you haven't seen it yet. It has been a favorite song of mine for many years. I love that this song is written from God’s perspective, as if He’s singing it over me as I listen. I’m just going to leave it right here because the lyrics speak for themselves.

Take My Hand - The Kry

I know there are times
Your dreams turn to dust
You wonder as you cry
Why it has to hurt so much
Give Me all your sadness
Someday you will know the reason why
With a child-like heart
Simply put your hope in Me

Take My hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on Me alone
Don't you say why were the old days better
Just because you're scared of the unknown
Take My hand and walk

Don't live in the past
Cause yesterday's gone
Wishing memories would last
You're afraid to carry on
You don't know what's comin'
But you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
Take you through the night
If you keep your eyes on Me

Take My hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on Me alone
Don't you say why were the old days better
Just because you're scared of the unknown
Take My hand and walk where I lead
You will never be alone
Faith is to be sure of what we hope for
And the evidence of things unseen
Take My hand and walk

Just like a child holding daddy's hand
Don't let go of mine
You know you can't stand
On your own

For anyone out there who might be skeptical or say that a meaningful song playing at the right time might be coincidence, this story gets even better. I am amazed that God continually put on one song right after the other that echoed the cries of my heart so perfectly and beautifully, even in the moments when all I could do was sob and not even put coherent thoughts or prayers together. About half way through “Take My Hand,” I felt God’s release to go home. The song was a wonderful reminder that God doesn’t want me living in the past or holding onto what could have been. He is writing this story, and He has beautiful plans for me and my family. I just have to trust Him. Even in the hardest moments, I will choose to keep my eyes on Him because I can’t do this on my own. I’m reminded of a verse He spoke to my heart several months ago: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts You.” Isaiah 26:3. 

Finally, as I drove home, God sent me a loving reminder that it’s ok to miss my sweet girl and to long to see her again. As “Take My Hand,” ended, the next song was “Homesick,” by MercyMe. Click here to hear an acoustic version of the song and the story behind why it was written.

Homesick - MercyMe

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

I love the second verse, “Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways. The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know. But even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same because I’m still here so far away from home.” Such an eloquent and honest expression of a heavy thought. So many times we want to understand why. That thought has weighed heavily on my mind over the past week as we’ve struggled to make sense of Ellie’s autopsy report and making sense of what happened. The truth is that we’ll probably never fully know what happened this side of heaven, and like the song says, I honestly don’t know that knowing would make it any better. The hurt is still there because she’s no longer with us here on earth. The temporary separation is so painful. But we know that it won’t be forever, praise God! So for now, I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have, clinging to the hope that one day we will be reunited, and there will be no more sorrow, no more pain, and no more tears. It’s because of Christmas that I can have this hope. Because He came. Now THAT’S something to rejoice about!