So it's been a while since I've written. That's actually for several reasons. It's been a frustration that I've felt like the things I've been struggling with were not things I could write about publicly. And also because, just being perfectly honest, I've had many times over the last couple of weeks that I have felt like I'm in a deep black hole that I not only couldn't climb out of, at times I couldn't even SEE out of either. I have wanted to sit down and write so many times and have just felt empty. My arms are empty. My heart is empty too sometimes. I know that God is here, but in those times spent deep in the black hole of depression, it's really hard to remember that, much less to find Him there.
I've experienced a lot of emotions since Ellie left us, but until here recently, depression has not been one of them. It's just awful. I'm talking about that soul-sucking, life-draining black fog that hovers over you to the point where just getting out of bed seems like a mountain too steep to climb. It's seriously the worst. That is where I've been a lot over the last couple of weeks, for a number of reasons.
Today is 3 months since that dreadful day in November. 3 months since my sweet Ellie went to be with Jesus. It feels suffocating even typing the words now. Ten days ago was 3 months since Ellie entered this world. I was aware of it the entire day and had anticipated that it might be a difficult day, but honestly it wasn't. And then it hit me like a freight train. That night, it felt like one of those cartoons where they drop the anvil or grand piano out of a second story window onto someone down below. I was that someone. The grief hit me like a load of bricks and was just soul-crushing, for lack of a better way to describe it. I was unable to sleep the whole night, and I was unable to get out of bed for most of the next day. When I did get out of bed, I was basically a blob on the couch, completely incapable of doing anything for anyone. It was awful.
Thankfully, my husband was understanding and supportive and held the fort down for me when I couldn't. After about 2 days in the intense black fog, I started coming out of it a little bit. But things have been rocky. For some reason, 3 months was a big milestone. 3 months after having a baby is when the rest of the post-baby hormones finally settle down and the body starts returning back to normal. While that was a welcome relief from some of the hormonal post-partum anxiety I've been experiencing, it also felt like another loss in a way. Like I'm moving on and leaving Ellie behind. My body is moving on. It's no longer in new mommy mode. Almost as if my body is forgetting that it recently carried a life and brought new life into this world. Now I'm just me. Me with empty arms. Me without a baby to hold. That's a tough pill to swallow.
One of the struggles I've been facing is trying to learn how to grieve together but separately with my husband. It's so hard. People grieve very differently. Heck, men and women are completely different anyway, so why wouldn't the grief journey be different too? One of those challenges is deciding when to add another child to our family. I'd like to do it sooner rather than later. My husband would like to wait a while. Neither is right or wrong. Both are completely valid and "normal" feelings. But we can't do both at the same time. Somewhere in the middle, a decision has to be made. How do you do that when it seems like both parties are on opposite ends of the spectrum? Whoah...I'm getting really personal here. But it's the honest truth. This is a HUGE struggle for me. My arms are empty and they ache. I can have all the babies in the world, and none of them will ever be Ellie. There is no replacing her. But there is healing and joy to be found in bringing another child into this world and into our family. I long for that, whenever it happens. Only God knows when that will be.
Some aspects of my life are really easy to entrust to Him. This is not one of them. This one is excruciating to think about leaving at the foot of the cross. Because I want to control it. I want to choose when to have another baby. But the truth is that this isn't something I can control. And He wants me to trust Him. He asked me months ago if I trusted Him, and I said yes. Do I still say yes? If I'm being honest, sometimes. Sometimes I'm tempted to pick it back up again. It's a daily battle, a daily choice to lay it down and leave it there. It's a moment by moment decision to surrender and trust that He knows the desires of my heart, and He will fulfill it in His timing, not mine.
On one of my darkest days wrestling with this and asking myself if I really do trust God in all aspects of my life, a sweet friend called and said she wanted to come by because she had something for me. So she dropped by and gave me the most beautiful gift. The picture seriously does not do this thing justice, it is absolutely gorgeous! This blanket was hand-woven over hours and hours as this precious friend prayed for us. Every stitch holds a prayer for me and for my family. She started telling me about the different elements and what they mean. She told me that she went to the store just a few days after Ellie died and chose the colors that spoke to her. The colors in the blanket are the same colors that Matthew and I wore to Ellie's celebration of life service. That's not a coincidence.
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| Back side of the blanket |
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| Front side of the blanket |
Another thing I've experienced over the past couple of weeks is God's impeccable timing. I know I've written about this before. But He continues to show up over and over again just when I need Him most. One of the aspects of my life that I don't think I've written about yet is that I am a 9-1-1 dispatcher. I did that full-time for a few years before we started our family. Now I do it part time as I'm able. It was something I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue after what we've gone through. I had to seriously question whether or not I thought I could keep doing it. I have always felt it's such a unique opportunity to be there for someone who might very well be experiencing the worst day of their life. I have been that calm voice on the other end of the line for many people as they experienced horrible circumstances. And I will forever be thankful for my friend and co-worker who was the calm voice on the other end of the line that day when we needed it most. It's even more special when that voice is someone you know. She very calmly and professionally handled our 9-1-1 call that morning even though I know she was probably feeling anything but calm and collected inside. I was told later that you could have heard a pin drop in that communications center after the call was disconnected and the ambulance was dispatched to our house. The public safety service is a family like nothing we've ever experienced. I could write a whole novel on just that alone.
So after considering it heavily, I decided that I want to continue my work in dispatch. It's important, and me quitting because of what I've been through would not be honoring Ellie or her legacy. With that said, now it comes at a much greater personal cost. I was very nervous my first couple of shifts back, taking very short shifts just in case things got to be too much. Thankfully things were pretty easy and routine, nothing serious or traumatic. But my third shift back, shortly before it was time for me to leave, I took my first difficult call. I wasn't an emotional one really. It was a calm, matter of fact call from a man who had found an elderly family member who had passed away. As a dispatcher, even during the worst of calls, which I've certainly experienced over my nearly 8 years of dispatching, you sort of flip into what I call "dispatcher mode" and deal with whatever comes as it's happening and then it's afterwards that it starts to affect you. This is exactly what happened that day. It helped that the caller was calm. I got the information I needed, and just before we disconnected, he said that he needed to go because he had to call his wife and tell her what had happened (it was a close family member of hers who had passed away). As he said that, his voice started to break just a little, and it tore me up inside. I know what that feels like. Even just the idea of running into people who might not know what has happened and having to tell them brings tears to my eyes. It's happened a couple of times already, and I'm sure it will happen again at some point.
Anyway, I disconnected quickly because I knew I was going to have to step out and collect myself. Immediately - literally in the moment that I clicked the mouse to disconnect the call, I'm not even kidding! - I felt arms around me from behind and turned around to find a co-worker and friend who I had communicated with via email but had not yet seen since losing Ellie. She gave me a quick hug and told me how she's not a "huggy person" and then said she just felt like she had to come see me and hug me that day. She started looking a little teary, and I was already feeling the tears coming. I told her she had perfect timing and that I had just taken a difficult call. And I won't share details because it's not my story to tell, but I will say that the fact that God hand-picked this particular person to be there in the very moment that I needed it is so special. Seriously. Every detail - the perfect timing, and the perfect person to deliver that much-needed hug in that moment.
Thankfully my shift ended quickly because I'd had about all I could handle that day. I got in my car and turned on my birthing playlist to try and calm my trembling heart down. This is the song that played. Again, hand-picked by God months ago, I believe, for this very moment.
Part the Waters/I Need Thee Every Hour - Selah
When I think I'm going under, part the waters, Lord
When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea
When I cry for help, oh, hear me
Lord and hold out Your hand
Touch my life
Still the raging storm in me
I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford
I need Thee, O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior
I come to Thee
I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain
I also want to share another song that has been on my heart these past couple of weeks. Again, words can't even describe the awe that I feel when I think about how God hand-picked this song for me months ago, for these very moments when I need it most. This is another one that I knew He was leading me to add to my birthing playlist even though it seemed a little odd to me. It's written and performed by a long-time favorite artist of mine. It really did seem like an odd choice for a birthing playlist, but now I know exactly why He wanted it there. I love the way this song alludes to different well-known Bible stories throughout. I think sometimes it's easy to forget that these legendary Bible "characters" were plain and simple human-folk, just like us. I can relate to so many of the stories that the song alludes to in different experiences I've had throughout my life. Right now feels like one of those times when I cannot face Goliath on my own. But my prayer is simply that He will be near in these moments when I just need to know that everything is going to be alright. In the moments when I'm not asking for any big miracles, just to feel Him close to me during some of the darkest moments of my life.
Yet another "God wink" in this story is the fact that God waited until now to bring this song to mind. I've just started a Bible study written by my BFF Angie Smith (just kidding, we don't really even know each other that well and I totally realize how "stalkerish" it sounds for me to call her a BFF - though I'm pretty sure we'd totally be good friends if we had the chance to spend some time chatting LOL!) This study is called Seamless and is about how the Bible is one great story of God's love and providence throughout history. Such a neat visual of how the Old and New Testaments are woven together in this beautiful tapestry of a story that is God's love for us. This feels like Seamless summed up in a song.
Small Enough - Nichole Nordeman
Oh great God
Be small enough
To hear me now
There were times when I was crying
From the dark of Daniel's den
I had asked you once or twice
If you would part the sea again
Tonight I do not need a
Fiery pillar in the sky
Just want to know you're gonna
Hold me if I start to cry
Oh great God
Be small enough to hear me now
Oh great God
Be close enough to feel you now
(Oh great god be close to me)
There have been moments when I could not face
Goliath on my own
And how could I forget we marched
Around our share of Jerichos
But I will not be setting out
A fleece for you tonight
Just wanna know that everything will be alright
Oh great god be close enough to feel me now
All praise and all the honor be
To the god of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder
Turn the pages of our history
But tonight my heart is heavy
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer
Are you there?
And I know you could leave writing
On the wall that's just for me
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping
Like in Solomon's sweet dreams
But I don't need the strength of Sampson
Or a chariot in the end
Just wanna know that you still know how many
Hairs are on my head
Oh great God (Are you small enough)
Be small enough to hear
me now
Perfect lyrics. Perfect timing. Perfect God.
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