This post has been a long time coming. It seems that the more time that passes since Ellie's death, the more complicated grief becomes. In the early days, it was simple. AWFUL. HORRIBLE. EXCRUCIATING. But it was simple. I was 100% in fight or flight survival mode. Getting through each day was a moment by moment battle. As time passes, the intensity of the struggle diminishes, but the complexity increases. It has now been 18 months since Ellie's death and 1 year since Lizzie joined her in heaven. There's been a lot going on in my grief journey that simply hasn't been things I could write about publicly. But now I've got some thoughts weighing on me that I'd like to share. I feel like the Lord has given me some "universal themes," if you will, of this grief journey that I hope will be a blessing or encouragement to others. As you may know, music has always been a crucial part of my blog and grief journey, well actually just my life in general. It's probably the number one way that the Lord speaks to me aside from His Word. In the early days, it was easy to clearly pinpoint a single song that fully embodied what was on my heart to share. The further out we get from November 13, 2017, the messier it gets. I've been prayerfully considering for several weeks now which song to include, and I didn't get a solid answer, and there's not just one that has inspired what I'm about to write, so I'm going to share a series of songs that God has been using to uplift and encourage me these past few weeks. Each one has come at a crucial moment to minister to me in different ways. I just love how God does that!
Expectations. Let's talk about that for a minute. The dictionary defines it as "a belief that someone will or should achieve something." There's a lot of expectations surrounding grief. This is something that I've struggled with a lot on this grief journey. Especially the further away from the trauma we get, expectations get higher about how I should be now. Expectations about when I should be "over it" or "move on with my life." Everyone has them, myself included. It's hard not to. But the thing about grief is that it's extremely unpredictable. It defies the very nature of expectations. It's been 18 months now. I know I'm expected by many people to "be ok." Don't get me wrong, not everyone has these expectations. I am blessed with some pretty amazing people in my circle who give me space to just be. I try to allow myself the same space. The topic of expectations is something I've really wrestled with lately. It's one of the things that the EMDR therapy I've mentioned before has helped me work through. Though I try to block out thoughts about the expectations of others, and even expectations for myself, they sometimes lead to pretty severe anxiety. Because although in general, the grief is lightyears less excruciatingly painful on a daily basis, there are still days that it hits me out of nowhere like a Mack truck and cripples me. Let me just say for the record, there is NOTHING wrong with that. In fact, I expect there will be days like that for years to come. One of the most freeing realizations through it all is that God doesn't expect me to be OK. Never once has He asked that of me. In fact, He knows I'm not ok. Truth be told, without Him, none of us are OK. Period. This first song expresses it beautifully.
If I didn't know what it hurt like to be broken
Then how would I know what it feels like to be whole
If I didn't know what it cuts like to be rejected
Then I wouldn't know the joy of coming home
Maybe it's ok if I'm not ok
'Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it's all right if I'm not all right
'Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life
If I didn't know what it looked like to be dirty
Then I wouldn't know what it feels like to be clean
And if all of my shame hadn't drove me to hide in the shadows
Then I wouldn't know the beauty of being free
Maybe it's ok if I'm not ok
'Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it's all right if I'm not all right
'Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life
Father, let Your kingdom come, let Your will be done
Here in my heart as in Heaven
Father, let Your kingdom come, let Your will be done
Here in my heart as in Heaven, oh!
Maybe it's ok if I'm not ok
'Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it's all right if I'm not all right
'Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life
Now I'm alive in You
The best that I deserved
Now I'm alive and I can see You in everything
Maybe it's ok if I'm not ok
You see, I'm ok with not being ok. I believe I'm right where God wants me to be. When I allow myself to be held, He can heal my heart. I don't think I'll ever be ok this side of heaven, and I'm ok with that. I've accepted it as reality. However, that does not mean that I'm doomed to live out the rest of my life in a state of melancholy and depression. Far from it! But in those moments when I'm not ok, that's where the true battle is. There are times that I just cry and allow Him to hold me and speak truth over me. This is when music speaks to me more than ever. There are other times when I'm just flat angry. Angry that my babies aren't here with me. Angry that I'm never going to be the same. Angry at how the massive trauma has affected me. The true test is what I choose to do with the emotions I feel. I believe emotions are a gift from God and part of what makes us unique as human beings made in His image. Where we get into trouble is when we allow those emotions to govern our actions and, as a result, our lives. Sometimes those moments of not being ok feel extremely isolating. It's a perfect opportunity for the enemy to come in and tell me about how no one understands me. I'm all alone. This is never going to get better, so why even bother to keep going? But the voice of TRUTH tells me a different story. And the truth is, it's my choice who I'm going to listen to. Some days, that choice is harder than others. But it's in those moments when He is most present.
You are not hidden
There's never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you
There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You're not defenseless
I'll be your shelter
I'll be your armor
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It's true, I will rescue you
I hear the whisper underneath your breath
I hear you whisper, you have nothing left
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It's true, I will rescue you
Oh, I will rescue you
In those moments of not being ok, one of the enemy's favorite tools to use is FEAR. For me, the fear begins to creep in when I start having expectations for myself of what I "should be." It's been 18 months now...I shouldn't still feel this way...I shouldn't still have major anxiety...I should be able to.... But you know what? The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy. He is a liar. FEAR is a liar. And God's word tells us that perfect love casts out all fear. A dear friend reminded me that in those moments when I'm not ok and the fear creeps in, the enemy wants me to keep myself isolated. In the wild, predators don't go after their prey in a herd. They go after the sick one who falls behind. They isolate it and then destroy it. I believe that fear is one of Satan's greatest tactics to "pick off the weak" and keep them feeling defeated. I once heard fear described as "false evidence appearing real." The enemy is pretty great at making those fears appear real. It can take your breath away at times. It feels suffocating. It triggers major anxiety. But that's where TRUTH comes in. Even in the moments when it seems impossible to go on, His perfect love can wash us in truth and banish the fear and the lies. I've seen this take place so many times in my own heart. And He is faithful each and every time, but we must call upon Him for help. He always stands ready and waiting to intervene and fight on our behalf.
When he told you you're not good enough
When he told you you're not right
When he told you you're not strong enough
To put up a good fight
When he told you you're not worthy
When he told you you're not loved
When he told you you're not beautiful
That you'll never be enough
Fear, he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar
When he told you were troubled
You'll forever be alone
When he told you you should run away
You'll never find a home
When he told you you were dirty
And you should be ashamed
When he told you you could be the one
That grace could never change
Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar
Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Oh, fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar
In my experience, fear is one of the strongest emotions and one of the quickest to take over and run our lives if we're not careful. I think there's a huge part of living with severe anxiety that is caused simply by this very thing. It gets to the point that we don't even recognize or remember where the fear is coming from. It's like an aggressive weed. If you don't pluck it out by the roots as soon as it shows up, it will quickly take over the entire garden and choke out the good fruit that has been intentionally placed there. I've learned that while I may not be able to control the anxiety, that does NOT mean I'm powerless against it. I've done a lot of work through therapy and also just by allowing the Lord to teach me how to regain my power in the midst of severe anxiety. It is absolutely crippling at times. It can make you feel like you've been punched in the gut and all the wind has been knocked out of you. I may not have control over how it makes me feel, but I DO have control over how I choose to respond and whether I choose to fight against it using my spiritual armor (Ephesians 6:10-18) or whether I'm going to just lay down and let it take over. When it comes to anxiety, a lot of times for me it comes in the form of extreme overwhelm, like there are all these things pulling at me at once. My flesh's response to this is to just completely shut down, crawl under the covers and hide. But isn't that exactly what the enemy wants? If he can keep me crippled, he wins. If I'm completely unable to move under the weight of fear, anxiety, and depression, then I can't possibly be a vessel willing and ready to be used by the Father for His good work. If I'm not available to be used for His glory, then what is this all for? Then my suffering would be meaningless. Because at the end of the day, it's all about sharing His truth for His glory, and my story is just one tiny piece of that tapestry. These next two songs are from the same group and were written several years apart, yet they go together so beautifully.
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand
But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand
But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
I still remember when I heard You call me by name
I'd follow You anywhere, knew I could trust You in anything
But now sorrow beats down on me, waiting for You to come through
I'm all alone with my questions, I'm dry and cracked open
And I thirst for You
And as I fall apart
Come flood this desert heart
Fall like the rain, Living Water
And I know Your way is best
Lord, help me find my rest
And I'll be the clay
In the Hands of the Potter
My world is spinning, my life seems so out of control
Nail-scarred hands tell the story of love that will never let go of me
Through the sunshine or rain, I know where my hope is found
What You started in me, I know You will complete from the inside out
And as I fall apart
Come flood this desert heart
Fall like the rain, Living Water
And I know Your way is best
Lord, help me find my rest
And I'll be the clay
In the Hands of the Potter
My world is breaking me, Your love is shaping me
And now the enemy is afraid of what You're making me
And as I fall apart
Come flood this desert heart
Fall like the rain, Living Water
And I know Your way is best
Lord, help me find my rest
And I'll be the clay
In the Hands of the Potter
You see, I've learned that it's all about the voice that we choose to listen to. We live in a world of megaphones. There are megaphones everywhere shouting at us who we should be, how we should feel and what we should do. But when we silence the megaphones, a whisper remains. That whisper is the voice of truth, the One who can silence all the lies and banish all the fear. Even in all the chaos and the worst moments of not being ok, there is hope because I know that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. Until then, I can draw near to Him in the moments of distress, allow Him to come to my rescue and for his Living Water to wash me in His word of truth. Even when it seems like things could not be any more out of control, I can rest knowing He's still got it. And I know it's ok to not be ok because He's got this. He's got ME. And even better, when I embrace this truth, it brings me joy to know that the tables are being turned. Instead of the enemy winning by keeping me crippled and paralyzed by fear, now he is the one afraid of what HE is making me. I can't love that line of the song enough! "When my world is breaking me, Your love is shaping me. And now the enemy is afraid of what You're making me." Amen! Click here to watch a fantastic quick video of Mark Hall from Casting Crowns telling the background of their song In the Hands of the Potter. It's worth it the 4 minutes to watch, I promise!
This next song is one that the Lord gave me on one of those days where I was straight up NOT ok. It was one of those moments when all I could do was cry, and the hopelessness was threatening to take over. The thought of pain and heartbreak overshadowing everything in life brings an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. Again, here comes the fear. And fear is a liar. Nothing is hopeless. While I'll never be "over it" this side of heaven, that's a far cry from being hopeless. And the truth is that God is ALWAYS working. He is always moving, even when we don't see it. Thank God it's not a requirement for me to be able to see God moving in order for it to happen! Because Lord knows, sometimes I just can't. But I have faith that He is. And for that reason, there is ALWAYS hope. We just have to keep believing and listening to the voice of truth until His goodness is revealed in the land of the living. This song is particularly poignant for me because I know that the author has himself experienced great loss, the loss of his wife. I can feel it when I listen to him sing. It's apparent that this was written based on experience and the gritty reality of life after a traumatic loss. It's no coincidence that I had never heard this song before that very moment when I needed it most.
Have you been praying and you still have no answers?
Have you been pouring out your heart for so many years?
Have you been hoping that things would have changed by now?
Have you cried all the faith you have through so many tears?
Don't forget the things that He has done before
And remember He can do it all once more
It's like the brightest sunrise
Waiting on the other side of the darkest night
Don't ever lose hope, hold on and believe
Maybe you just haven't seen it, just haven't seen it yet
You're closer than you think you are
Only moments from the break of dawn
All His promises are just up ahead
Maybe you just haven't seen it, just haven't seen it yet (oh)
Maybe you just haven't seen it, just haven't seen it yet (oh)
Maybe you just haven't seen it
He had the solution before you had the problem
He sees the best in you when you feel at your worst
So in the questioning, don't ever doubt His love for you
'Cause it's only in His love that you'll find a breakthrough, oh
It's like the brightest sunrise
Waiting on the other side of the darkest night
Don't ever lose hope, hold on and believe
Maybe you just haven't seen it, just haven't seen it yet
You're closer than you think you are
Only moments from the break of dawn
All His promises are just up ahead
Maybe you just haven't seen it, just haven't seen it yet (oh)
He is moving with a love so deep
Hallelujah for the victory
Good things are coming even when we can't see
We can't see it yet, but we believe that
It's like the brightest sunrise
Waiting on the other side of the darkest night
Don't ever lose hope, hold on and believe (don't ever lose hope)
Maybe you just haven't seen it, just haven't seen it yet
You're closer than you think you are (yes, you are)
Only moments from the break of dawn (Oh)
All His promises are just up ahead
Maybe you just haven't seen it, just haven't seen it yet (oh)
So we've established that I'm not ok. And we've established that it's ok to not be ok. So now what do we do with that? Whether you're my friend or family member reading this or maybe someone you love has suffered great loss and is on their own grief journey. How do you respond? How can you help? I've talked before about how you can't possibly understand child loss until you're walking through it, as it's unlike any other loss. I've been told that some people received that as me pushing them away or that it made them afraid to approach me because they're afraid of saying the wrong thing or they know they can't understand so they're afraid to say anything at all. I'd like to set the record straight here: I hope that NO ONE EVER understands what child loss feels like. I don't expect anyone to understand. I never want my words to come across as dismissive like, "Oh well you just don't have a clue because you haven't buried one of your kids." While I don't presume to speak on behalf of all grieving mothers, here are my thoughts on the matter. No, you can't understand if you haven't lived it. And I hope you never understand. But you CAN empathize, and you CAN love me and be present for me even though you and I both know you can't fully understand. Honestly, I'm not asking to be understood. What I want more than anything is to be HEARD. That's it. Part of the isolation of grief is that nagging thought that nobody gets me, nobody understands, nobody hears me. While that may be partly true in some ways, that does NOT mean that I am alone in my grief journey. Part of my emotional work and healing process has shown me that much of the fear and anxiety I have personally battled has come from a place of feeling powerless and voiceless as a result of various life circumstances. But the truth is that I do have a voice. And Ellie has a voice, through me. That's why I won't stop talking about her even though I know sometimes it makes people uncomfortable. I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, but I'm not sorry for talking about my babies. And the truth is, I'm NOT powerless. The truth is that fear is a LIAR, and the enemy wants to keep me paralyzed by speaking these lies over me.
Friends, if you listen to none of the songs in this blog post, I hope you'll take a moment to listen to this next one. This is another one that I had not ever heard until just a few days ago. The Lord gave it to me just when I needed it. I had just left a therapy session where I had a huge breakthrough and was getting so much clarity on some of my emotional struggles with anxiety and much of what I've written here. These lyrics are SO powerful!
Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn't trade it for anything
'Cause my brokenness brought me to you
And these wounds are a story you'll use
So I'm thankful for the scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who you are
So forever I am thankful for the scars
Now I'm standing in confidence
With the strength of your faithfulness
And I'm not who I was before
No, I don't have to fear anymore
So I'm thankful for the scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who you are
So forever I am thankful for the scars
I can see, I can see
How you delivered me
In your hands, in your feet
I found my victory
I'm thankful for your scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know your heart
And with my life, I'll tell of who you are
So forever I am thankful
I'm thankful for the scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who you are
So forever I am thankful for the scars
So forever I am thankful for the scars
I have been broken, bruised and bleeding. Sometimes those wounds get ripped open again. I will forever be scarred. As much as some days the selfishness takes over and I'd give it all away just to have my babies here, truthfully I wouldn't change a thing. No, I'm not who I was before. I feel an innocence has been stolen from me that I will never have back again. Motherhood has physically scarred my body. And the loss of 3 of my children has scarred my heart. I am pressed but not crushed, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. Yet without these scars, I would not know His heart the way I have come to know it these past 18 months. I find my victory in HIS scars. And I'm thankful for my scars. They tell a story. My story. Ellie's story. A story of His overwhelming love and unending faithfulness. I know He will continue to use our story for His glory. I am confident in His faithfulness because He has proven it over and over again. And by His GRACE, I am a SURVIVOR. And in the light of His truth, expectations don't matter. 💓
For so long I carried the weight of my past
Cripple by burdens like stones on my back
I thought I had fallen too far from your grace
But you came and showed me the way
When I was lost soul searching
You were the ground beneath my feet
When I was blind man begging
You were the eyes so I could see
When the smoke was rising up
You were the air that I could breath
You gave me hope you gave me something to believe
Now I'm alive and born again
Rescued from the grip of sin
God your love came crashing in
And pulled me out of the fire
I'm a survivor
Now all I can see are the fields of your grace
Wherever I run you're leading the way
You shook the shackles off my feet
I found redemption on my knees
You gave me hope you gave me something to believe
Now I'm alive and born again
Rescued from the grip of sin
God your love came crashing in
And pulled me out of the fire
I'm a survivor
Oh I'm a survivor
You're my God
You're my fighter
You make me a survivor
Now I'm alive and born again
Rescued from the grip of sin
God your love came crashing in
And pulled me out of the fire
I'm a survivor
Oh I'm a survivor
You pulled me out of the fire
I'm a survivor
"You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.”
2 Chronicles 20:17
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