Gracefully Broken: The Legacy of Ellie Love

Some days are just hard. I don’t always know why. This holiday week has just absolutely worn me out. We’ve not really even done much since Christmas day. Somehow just existing is exhausting. As if all of the emotions build up inside and just wear me down without me even being aware that they’re there. The best way I can describe it is that my head is processing on one level and my heart is processing on a different level, and my head doesn’t always realize what my heart is processing. Today is one of those hard days. We have our last holiday celebration coming up tomorrow with my husband’s side of the family. But if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m just over it. I’m over the holidays, over the tree, over the gifts, over all of these “firsts” that we’re experiencing without Ellie. They were supposed to be a very different kind of firsts. The reality of it all is really hard to swallow. So as I’m sitting here trying to muster the strength to get through this last holiday hoorah ...

How was your Christmas? Seems like an innocent enough question to ask. In fact, many people do. But how do you answer that when it feels like a piece of your heart has been ripped out? Most people know that the holidays can be difficult for someone grieving the loss of a loved one. It’s awkward. We don’t really know what to say. So we ask, “How was your Christmas?” I still find it difficult to verbalize a lot of things aloud. That’s one of the reasons why I love writing so much. I can cry all the tears as I type, even when my eyes are too blurry to even see the screen. It helps more than I can express to write my thoughts and feelings down, even if in electronic form. However, it is SO HARD for me to talk about it sometimes because I just know that I’ll burst into tears at any moment. Don't get me wrong, that’s not always a bad thing. I don’t try to keep the tears from coming. But I am careful about when and how I let them come. Mostly I prefer to get alone with Jesus and cry ...

Wow. It’s been a LONG week. I’ve had thoughts for several different posts swirling in my head for days now. I kind of feel like a squirrel sometimes. Maybe more like a drunk squirrel, one who’s running around trying to grab all of the acorns but keeps dropping them. There are so many things constantly flying at me these days. There are just so many different emotions, hormones and awesome things God is constantly doing that I often find it hard to put coherent thoughts together. There are so many things He brings to mind at different times that I want to share, but then as I start writing, I remember something else amazing and change my course. Maybe one day I’ll be able to record them all. Maybe not. In a lot of ways, it feels like trying to count all of the grains of sand on the seashore.  So I’m going to try to share a little bit about this week. I’ve had to buckle down and do A LOT of “adulting” this week. Probably the most since the week that Ellie died. I start...

I don’t feel like I have anything particularly inspired to write tonight. It’s been a hard few days. Overall, I’ve been amazed at how quickly I recovered from Ellie’s birth. In fact, because she was only with us for 10 days, at times it almost feels like I didn’t even have a baby recently. I know that probably sounds weird. It feels weird to me as I type this. Once my milk dried up (a very excruciating process, by the way!), and other than a few small twinges here and there, it seems like any physical reminders of having been pregnant and giving birth so recently have simply vanished.  However, this week it has all hit me like a freight train. My hormones have been all over the map, and I’ve experienced an awful anxiety, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I have felt VERY on edge about everything and have been entirely too snippy to those around me. I’ve struggled to take care of my kids as well as I normally would because I feel so impatient constantly. I generally a...

Today marks one month since Ellie went to be with Jesus. All throughout this process I’ve really tried to just let myself feel whatever I feel, whenever I feel it. Sometimes I feel like crying. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I’m just tired. Like somehow all of the emotions end up in a giant ball that feels like a ton of bricks that I’m carrying around. It’s definitely not intentional because I do try to give those emotions to God as they happen. But sometimes there’s nothing particularly “definable” in terms of how I’m feeling or even what exactly I’m feeling. Today is one of those days.  I went to see my doctor today. For anyone who’s ever had a baby, this is the visit where you’re supposed to bring your baby so that the doctor and all the staff and “ooh” and “ahh” about how precious your new little life is. Having to go without my new little life was simply exhausting. I made a memory book on Shutterfly for my family, so I decided to take that because I wanted them all t...

I’ve never in my life experienced a colder winter season than what I’m walking through right now. It’s a bit ironic because the winter season in my heart is much colder than the winter season we’re experiencing here in Texas right now. In fact, the crazy Texas weather seems very similar to the ups and downs my heart and emotions are going through on a day to day and even moment by moment basis. One day, it’s sunny and warm in the 70’s. The next, it’s freezing cold (probably not actually freezing, but it feels that way to this native Texan 😊). Other days start out cold, then warm up when the sun comes out for a bit, before darkness falls, bringing the frigid cold with it. I feel like I’ve experienced all of these variations and then some over the past few weeks. It’s hard to believe that tomorrow marks the one month anniversary since Ellie ran ahead of us to her heavenly home. What was supposed to be a joyous time celebrating a new life in our family has turned into the harshest...

It’s that time of year again. The season of giving. The season of love. A celebration of our Savior’s birth. At a time when there is such excitement in the air, how is it possible to feel so much sadness and pain? Christmas is a time we spend with family and friends. But what if some of those family members and friends are no longer with us? As much as we may want to celebrate, it’s hard to ignore the deafening silence of the absence of our loved ones.  I have always LOVED Christmas. It’s my favorite time of year. Growing up, I listened to Christmas music year-round. Then I got married and realized I had inadvertently married a “no Christmas before Thanksgiving” kind of guy. Now, don’t get me wrong…I’m all about Thanksgiving, and I get annoyed that it has become so commercialized and glossed right over by much of the world. But that doesn’t take away from my love of Christmas and celebrating the birth of Jesus with family and friends. And the music. And the tree. ...