I've had a post brewing in my head for a few days now, trying to meditate on it, pray through it and make some time to sit down and write. Spoiler alert: THIS IS NOT THAT POST. Ha! That post is coming, I feel certain. But tonight, there's something more pressing on my heart that I need to share. What I'm about to share is of the UTMOST IMPORTANCE to me. Please keep reading...
I was recently informed that someone close to us is feeling angry at God over what happened to Ellie and our family. To be perfectly honest, my knee-jerk reaction to that news is that it PISSED me off! Sorry, is it ok to say that here? I don't normally talk like that on here (or in general!), but it's the best word I can come up with to describe how I felt about it, how part of me still feels about it. Fair warning, I'm about to drop another truth bomb here. My knee-jerk, selfish reaction was this: If I don't get to be angry at God about Ellie dying, nobody else gets to either. There, I said it. Gosh that sounds so ugly written out. But that was honestly my first thought.
Ok so let's reel it in for a second. What I truly mean when I say, "If I don't GET to be angry at God," is "If I CHOOSE to not be angry at God." You may be thinking, "Wait a second! Didn't you write a whole post recently about being angry?!" Yep, I sure did. However, a VERY important distinction is that I sometimes feel angry at MY SITUATION. I am NOT, nor have I ever been, angry at God about my circumstances. Sorry, there are a lot of CAPS in this paragraph and probably throughout this entire post. That's because this is SO important to me. I NEVER want there to be any question about this. Just to be sure you got it, I'm going to say it again: I AM NOT, NOR HAVE I EVER BEEN, ANGRY AT GOD ABOUT MY CIRCUMSTANCES.
Whew! Let me take a breath. I've written about this before in this post, but I'd like to say it again. I do NOT believe that God TOOK Ellie from us. He didn't. I believe that He is just as angry and heartbroken about what happened as we are. I know that He cries with me. And He holds me when I cry. He takes it when I yell and vent my frustrations. He understands my pain. Ellie did not die because God is cruel or vindictive. She didn't die because God likes to punish people who love Him. She died because we live in a sinful world, something that God never intended. But all of us humans have sinned, and we all fall short of the glory of God. When Adam and Eve sinned in the garden, sin and death entered the world. Sometimes bad things happen as a result of that. We know that the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy. But what the enemy intended for evil, robbing us of an earthly life with our precious Ellie, God is going to REDEEM. There will come a day when He will make all things right again. That doesn't make it easy in the mean time. Some days it's just plain awful. But, as I've said over and over, God is using Ellie's short little earthly life for good. That is what I cling to. If there is even one more person in heaven one day as a result of her all-too-short earthly life, all of this will be worth it. I don't say that flippantly, believe me. I truly mean it.
Ok, so now that we've gotten that straight, let's review. I am not angry at God. And I don't want you to be either. It's important to wrestle with the reality of God, His love, His character, and why He allows bad things to happen. I believe it makes our faith stronger and helps us truly own our relationship with God. However, it is NOT ok to stop wrestling and just settle in anger against Him. Please, don't do that. If you are struggling with that, please watch this and listen to the words from John Piper (don't worry, it's not a sermon! 😉)
While I don't attribute the value of Ellie's life to how any given person chooses to respond to our situation, it absolutely grieves my soul to know that anyone would choose to use what has happened to us as an excuse to be angry at God. Not to play the poor, pitiful me game here, but I feel like my grief, pain and profound sense of loss runs so much deeper than anyone else's. I mean, I carried Ellie, nourished her with my body and loved her from the moment I found out she was going to be a part of our family. The connection between a mother and her child is unlike anything else in this world. I don't say that to minimize the grief, pain and loss of anyone else. I am absolutely not the only person grieving Ellie's loss. But I can guarantee that no one feels that pain and grief more deeply than myself. It might seem odd that I'm leaving my husband out of it, but I don't want to presume to speak for him. I know he grieves deeply, although differently, as well.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I, as Ellie's mother, and probably the person who feels her loss more than anyone in this world, am not angry at God, I don't want anyone else to be either. I want to share this song that I heard recently. It's another one from Nicol Sponberg, who I've talked about before. Every single word deeply resonates with me.
Yet I Will Praise - Nicol Sponberg
I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my brokenness
I will praise You Lord
I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my desperation
I will praise You Lord
And I can't understand
All that You allow
I just can't see the reason
But my life is in Your hands
And though I cannot see You
I choose to trust You
Even when my heart is torn
I will praise You Lord
Even when I feel deserted
I will praise You Lord
Even in my darkest valley
I will praise You Lord
And when my world is shattered
and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord
I will trust You Lord my God
Even in my loneliness
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord my God
Even when I cannot hear You
I will trust You Lord
And I will not forget
That You hung on a cross
Lord You bled and died for me
And if I have to suffer
I know that You've been there
And I know that You're here now
Even when my heart is torn
I will trust You Lord
Even when I feel deserted
I will trust You Lord
Even in my darkest valley
I will trust You Lord
And when my world is shattered
and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord
Exactly that. I couldn't express my heart any more clearly. Even though my heart is very much still torn, I trust Him. And I will continue to praise Him. Because He is still good. I'd encourage you to read the passage that I included above in the graphic. (Daniel 3:1-24) It's the story of 3 men of God who refused to cave to the pressure of the worldly king to bow down before other gods. They stood strong in their faith, even when threatened with death in a firey furnace. When the king threatened them, they told him that they had every confidence that God would save them. Then they said that even if He doesn't save their lives, they will still not break. Different situation, but I feel the same way. I feel like we're living in one of those "even if He doesn't" situations. But you know what? HE IS STILL GOOD. I believe that today more than ever before. I didn't intend to include a second song in this post, but I feel compelled to share this one as well. It has been on my mind (and on my radio) frequently since I saw Selah perform it a the concert a few weeks ago. It seriously gives me goosebumps every time I listen. I hope it blesses you. And if you find yourself in a place of being angry at God, please reach out and ask Him to break those chains. He wants so much more for you than to see you chained in your anger. He's right here waiting to set you free. All you have to do is ask. 💓
In prisoners' chains with bleeding stripes
Paul and Silas prayed that night
And in their pain began to sing
Their chains were loosed and they were free
I bless Your name, I bless Your name
I give You honor, give You praise
You are the Life, the Truth, the Way
I bless Your name, I bless Your name
Some midnight hour if you should find
You're in a prison in your mind
Reach out and praise, defy those chains
And they will fall in Jesus' name
We bless Your name, we bless Your name
We give You honor, give You praise
You are the Life, the Truth, the Way
We bless Your name, we bless Your name
You are the Life, the Truth, the Way
We bless Your name, we bless Your name
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