The Greatest Gift of All

Something really awful happened this week. I mean, let me put that in perspective for you. My baby died. That is the MOST awful thing. Pretty much everything else pales in comparison to that. So what happened to me this week was truly awful. Or so I thought. 

Let me explain...

I haven't talked about this on my blog because I generally don't talk about it publicly, but I am a lead administrator in a vaccine education group on Facebook. It's a controversial topic, I know, but it's something that I have become very passionate about since my daughter Caroline was injured by a vaccine at 6 months old. Part of my job as an administrator is to find and remove individuals who join the group simply to spew hate, cause problems for our members, or to stir up drama, also known as a troll. Hang with me here, I promise this is all coming back around to Ellie here in a minute. So this week, I received a message from an individual asking me why her friend had been removed from my group. I explained to her that her "friend" had been found to be in violation of our group rules, so she was removed. What came next was COMPLETELY unexpected and shocking. I won't repeat exactly what was said because I do not even want to acknowledge this hateful person. Basically, she expressed her discontent about her "friend" being removed from the group. I say "friend," because I'm fairly certain that the same person is actually behind both accounts. The person then proceeded to "congratulate" me for killing my baby and said that she is much better off being in heaven than being here with such a horrible mother.  

I'm going to give you a second to catch your breath and let the red spots fade from your eyes..... If you're anything like me, you're probably seething with rage right now. That's ok. I did too. At first. Now? I'm thankful, even excited, about what happened. Wait...WHAT?! How in the world could I be thankful or excited about someone sending me such a hateful and downright evil?! Again, let me explain...

When I first saw it, I was completely shattered, but just for a few minutes. Once the tears of rage and pain stopped, I was able to see it for what it was: an intense attempt made by the enemy to distract and wound me. Did it work? For a minute, maybe. Not that I even for an instant believed the horrible things that this person said. I knew they were lies as soon as I saw it. But it still stung. And I really struggled to understand how one human being could be so horrible to intentionally try and wound a complete stranger in such an awful way. But let's get one thing straight: Ellie IS better off in heaven than here on earth, but not at all for the reason this person tried to get me to think. She is better off in heaven because there, she will never experience pain, sadness or evil like she would if she were here on earth. That doesn't make me miss her or long for her presence here any less. Not even in the slightest. Actually, I'd give anything to have her in my arms again. But the truth is that she IS better off where she is than here on earth with me. After all, in the blink of an eye, I will be there with her. God knows it doesn't feel like a blink of an eye right now. Actually, it feels more like a long, tortuous eternity. In case you're wondering, I realize that last sentence was completely redundant. Legit, that's what this separation feels like. But praise God that the exact opposite is true! I WILL see her again, and when I do, all this time spent here waiting for that day will seem like a blip on the radar and will pale in comparison to the extravagant love and joy that will surround us for all eternity. 

So why am I thankful for this person's hateful words? Because God is good. In Romans, He promises to work all things together for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose. After I saw the message, the first thing I did was share the message with my due date group mamas, because they're my tribe. Many of them have walked with me through this whole journey. And when one mama bear is angry, ALL THE MAMA BEARS ARE ANGRY. I made it my mission to have this wretched person's Facebook page shut down. In order to do this, I also shared the hateful message in my vaccine education group that has over 103k members, asking that everyone who saw the post please report the profile. In my post, I explained that my daughter had died of a genetic condition that went undiagnosed. Naturally, many people expressed their deepest sympathies and asked about what happened to Ellie. Whenever anyone asks, I always share the link to the Gracefully Broken Facebook page so that people can read the blog to learn more about our story. The result? The number of my Facebook page followers has increased faster than ever before, and over 8,000 people have seen the blog since the message was sent on Friday!

Why do I share this? It's certainly not to brag about my rising number of followers or how wonderful I am. The purpose of this blog is to document my grief journey and to share my TESTIMONY of God's GOODNESS and GRACE in my life. The thought of 8,000 new people reading my testimony of how AMAZING God is absolutely BLOWS ME AWAY! Sorry, I know that was a whole lot of capital letters for one sentence. But seriously. I'm giddy excited and totally amazed at how God could take something so awful and use it to bring Himself glory! Just wow. What the enemy intended for evil, God has used to make His Name known! The enemy tried to knock me down and hit me with the lowest of the low blows. Why? He must not like this "little light of mine." But you know what? This has only made that light grow even STRONGER and BRIGHTER. Take that, Satan!

Anyway, back to Ellie now. Yesterday was Ellie's 4 month birthday. And in a few days, it will be 4 months since she opened her eyes to see the face of Jesus. It's still a struggle for me to wrap my head around. Every. Single. Day. There is never a moment when I'm not painfully aware that she is no longer here with us in body, but I know she is always with me in spirit. No matter what else is going on, I'm always missing her. There's an Ellie-sized hole in my heart. I mentioned before that I had recently come across an album written by Nicol Sponberg after she lost her son Luke to SIDS at 71 days old. The song/video below is how I found the album. I still can't listen to it without sobbing. And I've listened to it A LOT. Honestly, I can't think of a more meaningful or special song to dedicate to my precious Ellie girl. I knew when I heard it that I wanted to share it here, but I wasn't sure when I would. I wanted it to be the perfect moment. That moment is now. You'll understand why here in a second. Please stop right here and watch this video before reading on. 

Home - Nicol Sponberg

What is it like to be held in the same arms that hold the universe?

What is it like to sleep on the chest of the King of heaven and earth?

When you open your eyes and look on the face of the Giver of life, 

the Author of grace, do you know?

That your days here changed everything

You're missed here and will always be

But you left here the greatest gift of all

'Cause our hearts ache for home.

What is it like to breathe in and breathe out heaven's glorious light?

What is it like to be robed in perfection, no reason to cry?

When you feel on your face, your father's kiss, 

His welcome embrace, we prayed for this.

You should know

That your days here changed everything

You're missed here and will always be

But you left here the greatest gift of all

'Cause our hearts ache for home.

So twinkle twinkle little star

We will keep you in our hearts

Twinkle twinkle little star

We will need you where you are

Your days here changed everything

You're missed here and will always be

But you left here the greatest gift of all

'Cause our hearts ache for home.

To be perfectly honest, the first time I heard the line "twinkle twinkle little star," I thought it was a little corny. Actually, I get really annoyed by a lot of the cliches that people say because they don't know what else to say. Let me set a few things straight:

1) God did NOT need another angel. He already has plenty. Ellie lives with the angels, but she is not one of them. That means she is NOT my guardian angel. She will always live in my heart, but that's not the same thing. It just isn't. Can she see what's going on down here on earth? Scripture suggests that people in heaven can sometimes see things happening on earth, so I have no reason to think she can't see or know what's going on in our lives. However, that doesn't make her my guardian angel. Ok, moving on...

2) Ellie was NOT "too perfect for this earth." God intended for her to enjoy a full life with her family here on earth, but the enemy took that away. We know that he comes to steal, kill and destroy. 

3) Ellie's death at 10 days old was NOT a part of God's plan. God DID NOT TAKE Ellie. He knew it would happen, but I believe He is grieving over her death just as much as we are. He did NOT intend for sin and death to ever enter the world. That is the consequence of humanity's poor choices.

4) People like to say things like "I just could never handle what you're going through. You are so much stronger than I could ever be." BOLOGNA. You could handle it because you wouldn't have a choice. Don't get me wrong, losing a child is a make it or break it moment for your faith. And sure, I could allow it to break me. But what good would that do? I've said this before so many times. I want Ellie's life to mean something, so I intend to continue sharing her story and allowing God to use me however He chooses.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest! Now that my ranting is over, let's get back to the song. On second listen, I don't think the "twinkle twinkle little star" line is corny at all. Actually, Ellie's full name is Eleanor Love. Eleanor means "shining light." I liked the meaning when we chose her name months before she arrived. Actually, I believe that God chose her name. I mean, let's be honest. My husband and I could not BE any more different regarding our baby name lists. (Said in my best Chandler voice. Friends, anyone?) Actually, it's a miracle that any of our kids have names that we agreed upon. Just kidding! Kind of. Anyway, I liked the meaning of Eleanor when we chose it. But now, I LOVE it! God knew even then that Ellie would not be here with us for very long. Like our pastor said at Ellie's celebration of life service, I believe that Ellie fulfilled her life's purpose in the 10 days she was here on earth. 

For Ellie, 10 days were sufficient. 

She has left her mark on this world, and me being faithful to continue to share the testimony of God's presence and power allows her light to continue to shine brightly. At first glance, you might think that her little light was snuffed out far too soon. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth! 

Ellie girl, you should know that your days here have changed EVERYTHING. 

You are missed here and will always be. 

But you left here the greatest gift of all because our hearts ache for home. 

We can't wait to see you again!

Enjoy resting in the arms of the One who holds the universe

 and looking upon the face of the Giver of life and the Author of grace. 

One day soon, we will meet you there.

But until then, you will be here in our hearts, and we will grieve with hope!

Shine brightly, baby girl! 💗

Love, Mommy