Your Love is Strong

I haven't written anything for a few days now. That's partly because I haven't felt like I had anything to write. It's also partly because I've been having a hard time deciding exactly what or how much I want to share. I want to be as honest and as real about this journey of grief as I can possibly be. But with that said, I also feel that I need to protect my heart. Sometimes there are things that I know God has given me to share. Sometimes there are things that I know are just for me. And sometimes I'm not sure. There are some aspects of this journey and what's on my heart that I feel are just too personal to share. And that's ok. What I'm about to say is one of those things, but I'm sharing it now because I feel like I'm supposed to. So here's me being obedient. And vulnerable. Really vulnerable. 

I've heard it said before that grief is like an onion. You just have to keep peeling back layers. I am definitely finding that to be true. From the beginning, I have been determined to lean into the pain and allow God to carry me through each agonizing step of this new lifelong journey. I have been laser focused on not stuffing my feelings or denying myself the emotions as they come. But again, grief comes in layers. As I've written about before, some of this has presented as anxiety, a constant tension and feelings of being on edge all the time. I'm still working on that, but it does seem to be better than before. It's also taking a toll on my body in a huge way. I tend to carry stress in my neck and shoulders usually. Right now, it's off the charts tense. Like in pain, back locked up tense much of the time. 

But now there's a new component presenting. Trauma. This might seem obvious. I mean, what happened with Ellie WAS traumatic. No mother or father should have to see the things we saw or do the things we did that day. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish to have not been there. I'm thankful that I was by my baby girl's side from start to finish of that awful day. But that doesn't take away the trauma of what happened. I was asked recently if I have trouble replaying the events of that day in my head a lot. I truthfully answered no. Until now, when I have had thoughts about it, it's more out of a desire to not forget a single detail of our time with Ellie. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about our final day with her because I'd rather remember the happy times. But it hasn't felt like a trauma on the occasions that I have thought about her last day with us. Sad, sure. Trauma, no.

Until now. Those first few weeks I really struggled with sleep. There was just so much going on internally that I couldn't shut down enough to sleep. But that had gotten better. Until now. This past week, sleep has been a huge struggle. Honestly, I'm exhausted. Each night as I lay down to try to sleep, images of Ellie losing consciousness in my arms that day haunt me. Seeing Matthew try to revive her as she continued to turn blue and feeling that heart sinking feeling all over again. It's awful. It's so strange because I actually feel thankful to have experienced that - given the alternative would be waking up to find her unconscious and wondering how long she had been that way. As it was, I saw it unfold and was able to act immediately and make every effort to save her. But it's still traumatic. I didn't realize how much so until now.

Last night, I had somewhat of a breakdown as I realized how much trauma has apparently been in my subconscious until now. That would explain the other issues I've been dealing with, the anxiety, the tension. And to be quite honest, I'm not entirely sure what to do with it. How does one remove trauma from the subconscious? Praying obviously is a start. I'm doing that. I know that He is with me on this journey, and I have never felt abandoned for a moment. But on a practical level, I'm not quite sure how to handle this trauma that I'm feeling now.

So in the middle of my struggle last night, I once again turned on my playlist because I know that God will use it to speak to me in the moments when I don't know where to turn or what to pray. And of course, He was faithful. This is the first song that played. And it was exactly what I needed in that moment.

Your Love is Strong - Shane & Shane

Heavenly Father, You always amaze me

Let Your kingdom come in my world and in my life

Give me the food I need

To live through today

And forgive me as I forgive

The people that wrong me

Lead me far from temptation

Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window

The birds are composing

Not a note is out of tune

Or out of place

I walk to the meadow

And stare at the flowers

Better dressed than any girl

On her wedding day

So why should I worry?

Why do I freak out?

God knows what I need

You know what I need

Your love is, Your love is

Your love is strong

Your love is, Your love is

Your love is strong

Your love is, Your love is

Your love is strong

The Kingdom of the Heavens

Is now advancing

Invade my heart

Invade this broken town

The Kingdom of the Heavens

Is buried treasure

Would you sell yourself

To buy the one you've found?

Two things You told me

That You are strong

And You love me

Yes, You love me

Your love is, Your love is

Your love is strong

Your love is, Your love is

Your love is strong

Your love is, Your love is

Your love is strong

Your love is, Your love is

Your love is strong

Our God in Heaven

Hallowed be Thy name

Above all names

Your kingdom come

Your will be done

On earth as it is in Heaven

Give us today our daily bread

Forgive us weary sinners

Keep us far from our vices

And deliver us from these prisons

I'm so thankful that His love is strong, and He can handle whatever I'm thinking or feeling. I might be falling apart and in a puddle of tears, but He is strong when I am weak. His LOVE is strong. His GRACE is sufficient for me. And His STRENGTH is made perfect in my weakness. Even in the moments that nothing else makes sense, I can be confident of this: He is strong, and He loves me.