More and More of You

Losing a child certainly makes you look at things differently. At least it has in my case. Honestly, I think any loss of a loved one is something that makes us think about how much we take for granted, how much we complain about everything, even our blessings. I read something recently that was posted by a dear friend of mine. It said, "When people ask if the glass is half full or half empty, my only response is that I'm thankful I have a cup." Talk about perspective. Truthfully, I have that thought frequently these days. Losing Ellie has made me realize how much we truly have to be thankful for. Sometimes it's hard for me to be scrolling through Facebook and see so much negativity everywhere. No one is happy, nothing is going right, everybody wishes something about their life was different. I get it. It's SO easy to complain when things don't go our way. I'm completely guilty of that. Often. 

One such example is that my nearly two year old Caroline is cutting some teeth right now. She's had some trouble sleeping the past few days (join the club!) and has needed some extra attention. It's so easy to grudgingly crawl out of bed and go check on her because I'm exhausted. Because you know, the law of #momlife is that the kid needs you as soon as you finally drift off to sleep. But truth be told, no matter how exhausted I am, I am THANKFUL that she needs me. She might be having some "growing pains," but she's here, and she's happy and healthy. And she NEEDS me. Because I'm her mommy, and I can make it better like nobody else can. And really, that's all I can ask for as a mommy. My job is to be here for my babies and meet their needs as much as I can for however long they are here with me. 

So when Caroline started crying tonight, I went to get her, gave her something to soothe her gums and soaked up every precious moment cuddling her and loving on her. She won't be this small forever, and she won't need me forever like she does right now. Ellie has moved beyond needing me now. That simultaneously breaks my heart and makes me rejoice. She doesn't need me anymore because she's in the fullness of joy, with no more pain and no more tears. And I so look forward to the day when I can join her there, when our whole family can be together again.

As I was quietly singing to Caroline, one of the songs from my birthing playlist came on (because of course, I was listening to my playlist, as usual 😊). I was struck by one of the lines in the song: "Oh, forgive us of seeking Your hand and not Your face." That line has always stood out to me in this song, another one of my favorites. I thought, how often am I guilty of seeking God's hand of blessing rather than seeking His face? It's so easy to focus on what I think is best, what I want to happen, how I think the situation should be handled. But He asks me to trust Him. Do I really? How can I truly trust Him if I am constantly trying to figure it out on my own? The truth is that every problem, every struggle, every pain can be perfectly dealt with by simply seeking His face. Yikes. How often am I asking for what I think should happen instead of asking what HE thinks should happen? 

More and More of You 

Selah

We have had enough of getting everything we want

We are weary of living this life just for us

Oh, forgive us of seeking Your hand and not Your face

Come and empty us, Father, we're desperate in this place

Holy Spirit, fill us with Your fire

Give us Your desires

Hold us close to You

Holy Spirit, give us revelation

Your healing visitation

Nothing else will do

We want more and more

And more and more of You

You have given us so much more than we deserve

You deliver us by the power of Your Word

So, God we lift You up

Giving You the honour that is Yours

Thank You for Your love

Father, this is what we're living for

Holy Spirit, fill us with Your fire

Give us Your desires

Hold us close to You

Holy Spirit, give us revelation

Your healing visitation

Nothing else will do

We want more and more

And more and more of You

Oh, the love that covers us

Oh, the Saviour's mercy.

Oh, the blood that makes us spotless white

Oh, the love that covers us

Oh, the Saviour's mercy.

Oh, the blood that makes us spotless white

Holy Spirit, fill us with Your fire

Give us Your desires

Hold us close to You

Holy Spirit, give us revelation

Your healing visitation

Nothing else will do

We want more and more

And more and more of You

After we were given the news at the hospital that Ellie would not recover, we prayed for a miracle, as I'd imagine any parent would do in that situation. It would be easy to assume that God did not answer our prayer or that there was no miracle because our sweet girl didn't make it. That could not be further from the truth. God's answer to our prayer may not look like what we hoped it would, but that doesn't mean He didn't answer. I believe a great many miracles have come and will continue to come from Ellie's precious little life. When God asks us to trust Him, He doesn't put parameters on it. We either trust Him or we don't, regardless of the situation at hand. 

Two weeks ago, I had the amazing privilege to go hear one of my real-life heroes speak at a conference. She might scoff at being called a hero, but she is to me. Prior to the conference, we'd only met once, and only for a couple of minutes about 3 years ago, just before Timothy was born. Angie is the wife of Todd, who is the lead singer of my favorite group Selah, who I've written about often. 10 years ago, Todd and Angie lost their precious baby girl Audrey Caroline shortly after birth. If you've never read their story, I highly recommend listening to the song they wrote for Audrey that we played during Ellie's celebration of life service and reading Angie's book, I Will Carry You. It's simply amazing. And heart-wrenching. Angie had a blog where she wrote regularly in the early days of her journey after Audrey's diagnosis during her pregnancy. I followed her blog back then, weeping and laughing right along with Angie as she wrote about her personal journey. She's such a gifted writer and speaker, and she can have you in tears one moment and cracking up the next. 

So three years ago, I went and heard Angie speak at an event and purchased her children's book Audrey Bunny to put in Timothy's nursery. Angie was inspired to write it after what she went through with Audrey, and "Audrey Bunny" was a big part of how she talked to her other children (then 5 and 3) about what was happening with baby Audrey. I got to talk with Angie for a moment at the event as she signed my book. She's so very genuine and just has this way of making you feel like you're the only person in the room, even when there's a line of people behind you waiting to talk with her too.

I learned about this recent conference just a couple of weeks prior to the event. One night I "just happened" to get on Angie's Facebook page and noticed that she was going to be in town. I say "just happened" because I know it was yet another God wink in my story. Even months ago when the event coordinators started planning this conference, God put it on their hearts to bring Angie here. Just for me. (I'm sort of kidding about that last part, but not really.) Then at the conference, Angie shared the long list of reasons why she almost wasn't able to come. From her description of the days leading up to the conference, it seemed that just about everything that could have possibly come up to prevent her from coming did. But despite it all, she came anyway. Again, because God. Oh, and by the way, Selah will be in town next month. To say I'm excited would be a serious understatement. Again, because God.

So I had the opportunity to talk with her for a moment. As I approached, I asked her if we could go ahead and snap a picture first. She smiled and said, "Ohhh it's going to be one of THOSE chats?" I laughed and said yes, and we snapped a quick picture. Then I was able to, through many tears, share with her the story of our sweet Ellie and how she and Todd, both through her writing and through his music, have been such an inspiration and encouragement to me. I even took her a few of my blog posts because I knew I wouldn't be able to get the words out, and I wanted her to know how much they had meant to me, especially over these last few months. I nervously told her, "I'm not sure if this is weird, but here's a folder with a few of my blog posts that I wanted to share with you." She told me it was not weird at all and that she would be honored to read about and get to know our Ellie. (She has a daughter named Ellie too.) It was a moment I'll never forget. 

Remember how I said here that I'd tell the story about Ellie Bunny sometime? The day after Ellie passed away, I contacted the place where we had our ultrasound and asked if they still had the recording of Ellie's heartbeat. I told them that I wanted to buy one of their heartbeat buddies. They have the cutest little stuffed animals that they can put your baby's heartbeat recording in, so you can hear it anytime you want. The owner of Early View messaged me back and said that she did still have Ellie's recording and that she wanted to give us a heartbeat buddy. She sent me a link so I could choose from over a dozen different stuffed "buddies." I felt overwhelmed and didn't know which to choose...but then I saw the bunny and I knew. So that is the story of Ellie Bunny. As Timothy and Caroline get older and begin to ask more questions about baby Ellie, we will be able to hold Ellie Bunny and read the Audrey Bunny book together. It might seem silly to some, but I felt honored that Angie got to "meet" Ellie Bunny that day. 

One of the things Angie said that stuck out to me more than anything that day is actually a story she told about her daughter and one of her friends. Let me just tell you that I won't be able to do the story justice, because Angie can have you in stitches and on the edge of your seat all at the same time describing this scene. She described how her daughter who was around 4 or 5 at the time (I think?) had a friend over one day, and the friend asked if she would share her snack. Angie's daughter then shared some of the snack with her friend. Soon after, her friend asked if she would share her cookie too. Angie described how she watched her daughter break the cookie in two pieces, one being a lot bigger than the other, and she spent quite a bit of time examining both pieces as if trying to decide which piece to give her friend. Then she handed her the smaller piece, as most kids would do. Angie described how she laughed to herself and also felt proud that her daughter was kind enough to share any of the cookie. But then she heard her daughter say to her friend that she wanted her friend to know she had given her the piece of cookie that had the most chocolate chips.

She truly gave her friend the best portion, even though it didn't appear that way from the outside. Angie said, "She gave the best portion. I just didn't know the scale." Hearing that story reminds me to take a step back and realize that that's exactly how God treats us. He sees all, and He knows all. We only see a little, and we don't know much. We certainly don't know the mind of God. And He asks us to trust Him because He is giving us the BEST PORTION. It doesn't always look like it. We don't always understand. But we don't have to understand. He doesn't ask us to understand. He just asks us to trust.

In a particularly vulnerable and raw moment, Angie shared with us some of the struggles she has had since losing her daughter Audrey. She said she's had so many people say things like, "But look at the amazing ministry you have now because of Audrey," and "Aren't you thankful that God has used this to bless so many people?" Then she said that in all honesty she doesn't feel that way. She'd rather have Audrey here. Can I just say how much I get that? From mommy heart to mommy heart, that resonates with me, and I could never fault any mother for feeling that way. But I will also say this: I don't feel that way. Of course, I would give anything to have my baby girl here with me right now. However, if my temporary separation from her means that even one more person will get to spend eternity in heaven as a result what we've gone through, it's worth it. That doesn't make it any easier. I still miss her with every fiber of my being. But I will see her again, and who knows how many others might be there too because of the impact her life has had on this world? 

This life is not about me. I want my focus to be on seeking His FACE, not His hand and what He can do for me or what He can give me. I am learning that the more time I spend seeking His face, the more I am aware of His Comforter. I love how the song says, "give us revelation, a healing visitation. Nothing else will do." The more I seek His face, the more I want, and the more He comforts. And it is so true. In those moments His presence is near, and there is nothing else that will do. 

The More I Seek You

Kari Jobe

The more I seek you

The more I find you

The more I found you, the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet

Drink from the cup in your hand.

Lay back against you and breath, feel your heart beat

This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.

I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming