God’s presence has been so near these past few days. I’m not even kidding when I say BLESSING OVERLOAD. But it has also been EMOTION OVERLOAD. I still find it very hard most of the time to talk about how I’m feeling. It’s like as soon as I start thinking about what I want to say, I get so emotional that I just can’t even get words to form. That’s one of the reasons that writing is such a great release for me. I seriously think I’d probably just explode if I wasn’t able to get it all off my chest through writing. I had lunch with a friend the other day, and we were talking about minds being blown. In the process, my little copy-cat Caroline has picked up the hand motions for #mindblown and has been walking around doing it over and over. Maybe today I’ll just join her. That seems to be fitting for how I’m feeling right now.
Some days I really struggle being around people. I’m an introvert at heart anyway, so I am not a huge fan of large gatherings and being surrounded by lots of people in general. But these days, there are times when I just feel so suffocated by emotions that are needing release that I just really can’t deal. We went to church this morning, and I had to come home after a little while because it was all too overwhelming. It felt almost as if what was going on around me matched what’s going on inside me. So much hustle and bustle, busyness and people smiling and asking how I am. I realize that is a perfectly innocent question and a completely natural thing to say. Many people probably aren’t even aware or aren’t thinking about what I’m going through in that moment when they smile and ask out of habit. That’s totally ok. But there are just days when I just can’t deal with it. Today is one of those days. I honestly can’t even answer how I’m doing today, so I smile and say “good” because if I say literally anything else I will burst into tears and probably not be able to recover for a while. Then that poor innocent soul who had no idea the can of worms they were opening by asking such a simple question would be standing there terrified, having no idea what they said or did to make me fall apart. That’s just awkward for everybody.
So I came home to have some time to just be alone with God. That is the only thing that can “fix” me when I feel like this. One of the things I have struggled with my whole spiritual walk is that I tend to want to depend on people rather than on God when I’m struggling. Needing advice? I call a friend. Really struggling with something? I call a friend and ask for prayer. Can’t figure out what to do about a situation? Again, I call a friend. I think it’s human nature to want to depend on each other when we’re not strong enough on our own. This isn’t entirely a bad thing. In fact, God designed us that way. He wants us to lean on each other, pray for each other and hold each other up when it’s needed. There are so many examples of this in the Bible. However, God never intended for other humans to be a substitute for calling out to Him. That should be our first priority and first response to whatever life throws at us always.
I am very much an external processor. Oftentimes I find solutions to my problems simply by talking it out with someone. I process my emotions by talking about them (or writing, in this case). God is teaching me to come to Him FIRST to process. That’s something I’ve worked on at different times in my life, but I’ve never been very good at it. Until now. I wouldn’t exactly say I’m “good at it” now, but I would say that He has already taught me so much about fully relying on Him and pouring out my heart to Him, no matter how emotional, how painful, how ugly my feelings are. He’s strong enough to take it. He WANTS to take it. He desires for me to bring Him all of my joy and fear and pain. And in return, He breathes new life, new hope, and new joy into my soul. It’s a pretty sweet deal actually. I’d highly recommend it. He takes my junk, whatever weighs so heavily on my heart and trades it for Himself and all the goodness He has to give.
And God seriously gives the best gifts. It’s always the very thing that I never even knew I needed. I’m learning to come to Him and ask what He has for me, rather than giving Him a laundry list of what I think I need. It has been an amazing process, and I know that will only continue as I allow Him to walk beside me in this journey of grief, in this journey of life. David Crowder has been one of my favorite artists for several years. He has such a quirky style yet his songs beautifully capture deep, profound truths. A lot of times, his songs remind me of a sort of modern day psalm. This first song completely echoes my heart today.
And God seriously gives the best gifts. It’s always the very thing that I never even knew I needed. I’m learning to come to Him and ask what He has for me, rather than giving Him a laundry list of what I think I need. It has been an amazing process, and I know that will only continue as I allow Him to walk beside me in this journey of grief, in this journey of life. David Crowder has been one of my favorite artists for several years. He has such a quirky style yet his songs beautifully capture deep, profound truths. A lot of times, his songs remind me of a sort of modern day psalm. This first song completely echoes my heart today.
Never Let Go - David Crowder Band
When clouds veil sun
And disaster comes
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rise
When waters rise
And hope takes flight
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
When clouds brought rain
And disaster came
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rose
And hope had flown
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Overflows
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul
Fills hope
Perfect love that never lets go
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go
What a profound truth! Regardless of what I'm feeling, whether joy or pain, HE IS STILL THE SAME. And in His perfect love, He never lets go of me.
So as I was saying, I left church early because I just couldn’t deal. Things have been so packed this weekend that I hadn’t yet had any time to decompress and pour my heart out to God. I knew that the emotion situation would not improve (and would probably only escalate and reach disastrous proportions) until I could do that. So I sat down with my favorite playlist on and started to just listen. Then I opened up the daily devotional I’ve been reading, Jesus Calling. On the one hand, I feel like I shouldn’t be surprised anymore because He just keeps on giving me exactly what I need when I need it. But on the other hand, it seriously takes me by surprise Every. Single. Time. Even when I am trusting Him to give me what I need, He still blows me away every time. Seriously, #mindblown. This is the entry for today:
Let Me bless you with My grace and Peace. Open your heart and mind to receive all that I have for you. Do not be ashamed of your emptiness. Instead, view it as the optimal condition for being filled with My Peace.
It’s easy to touch up your outward appearance to look as if you have it all together. Your attempts to look good can fool most people. But I see straight through you, into the depths of your being. There is no place for pretense in your relationship with Me. Rejoice in the relief of being fully understood. Talk with Me about your struggles and feelings of inadequacy. Little by little, I will transform your weaknesses into strengths. Remember that your relationship with Me is saturated in grace. Therefore, nothing that you do or don’t do can separate you from My Presence.
As I’ve written before, GRACE is the word that He just keeps speaking to me. His GRACE is what gets me through each day. I don’t deserve it, but He continues to give it in abundance. I find it hard to explain or put into words, but I’m going to try. Receiving His grace isn’t a passive thing. I can ask for grace, and He will provide. But it doesn’t stop there. I must actively be a part of the process by choosing day by day, moment by moment, to walk in that grace. I must not only passively receive it; I must actively LIVE it. I don’t know if that makes any sense. Hopefully it does, at least on some level. Walking in His grace is a process that He continues to teach me about daily, what it looks like and how to do it. I can completely tell a difference in my countenance and in my heart in the moments when I am actively walking in His grace and in the moments when I lose sight of that. It has seriously been the most amazing learning experience.
What a sweet reminder from Him today that my relationship with Him is saturated in grace. He does fully understand me, even when I can’t even begin to understand myself. And as always, when I sit down to write, He gives me the words. I don’t have to rely on others because He is all I need. He unravels and unpacks it all as I pour my heart out to Him. Many times, He helps me work it out as I write. I am constantly amazed at the process and how each post transforms from my gibberish and “blather,” as my dad would say, into a beautiful expression of what He is teaching me or carrying me through. Even this post now, I’m sitting here thinking, wow…this is so different from what I sat down to write. In fact, I’m not even sure what I sat down to write. I didn’t have any words today, but I felt the need to write anyway. So I place my hands on the keys and see what happens. Oftentimes, I go back and read my posts and seriously think how did I even write this? Where did this come from? It most certainly wasn’t from me. It’s kind of like having a conversation with someone when you can’t really remember what you said after the fact, but you just know that God took over and began speaking instead. It’s always so weird yet amazing when that happens.
I honestly didn't intend for this to be a rapid-fire song post. But sometimes that's what happens when He's writing the words. He always knows what I need when I need it, as I have said so many times. Usually it's in the form of a song that I know and love that is already in my playlist, one that I listen to daily and it "just happens" to play right when I need to hear it. (That was sarcasm, by the way. Obviously it doesn't "just happen.") However, today, He's shaking things up a bit and has been bringing song after song to my mind (Y'all, I'm not even kidding - so many of these are songs I haven't even thought about or heard in YEARS). Often, the songs He uses are a reflection of His love for me or His response to what I'm experiencing or how I'm feeling in that moment. However, today the theme seems to be songs that perfectly echo my heart and how I'm feeling, because I honestly wasn't even sure what exactly I was feeling. Maybe that's because until I sat down to start writing, I seriously couldn't even tell what I was feeling because there was just so much packed in there? I don't know. I didn't have the words to say to Him, so He gave me the words to pray. But instead of trying to write a bunch of words about each one, I'm just going to drop a few here and let them speak for themselves. This isn't even an exhaustive list, just the ones that really stand out.
You Write the Words - FFH
I don't know what to say
That hasn't already been said
I don't know what to write
That hasn't already been read
I don't know what to play
That You haven't already heard
So here's my song, You write the words
Here's my heart, You write the words
"Amazing Grace" has already been written
"Jesus Saves" has been done before
And the " Hallelujah Chorus"
Has been sung a million times or more
So who am I to make any difference
Tell me why I pour out my heart
And I struggle for the words
That I know might not go very far
There are days when I sing for the masses
When my songs get repeated back to me by thousands
And there are days when I know
That the only one who hears me is You
So what do I do
When I don't know what to say
That hasn't already been said
I don't know what to write
That hasn't already been read
I don't know what to play
That You haven't already heard
So here's my song, You write the words
Here's my heart, You write the words
Here's my life, You write the words
Open Up the Sky - FFH
I've had my share of heartache
I've felt the sting of pain
From standing out in the desert
Praying for rain
I've seen my lonely teardrops
Fall down my lonely face
Oh how I long to hear the
Thunder roll again
And I want to be
Swept away in Thee
Only You know what I need
So open up the sky
Rain down Your love
I don't care if I
Never get enough
I just want to be
Caught in that flood
So open up the sky
I've had my disappointments
I've cried a time or two
These showers of love I long for
They only come from You
Now I want to go deeper
And fall in over my head
So send Your Holy downpour
And let the healing begin
And I can't wait
To be swept away
Only You can stop the pain
I just want to be
Caught in that flood
So open up the sky
So open up the sky
Rain down Your love
I don't care if I
Never get enough
I just want to be
Caught in that flood
So open up the sky
I can't find the words to pray, I'm a little down today
Can You help me, can You hold me
I feel a million miles away, and I don't know what to say
Can You hear me anyway
What I need is for You to reach out Your hand
You have taught me no matter what You'd understand
Lord move in a way that I've never seen before
'Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move, or move me
I've looked everywhere to find a simple peace of mind
I've looked everywhere to find a simple peace of mind
But I can't find nothin' on my own
So I gotta leave myself behind, take up this cross of mine
Give away everything I hold on to
Lord, I know the only way is through this
But Lord, I know I need you to help me do this
Lord move in a way that I've never seen before
'Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move, or move me
Out of this place of complacency
Out of this place of complacency
To a place of fellowship with thee
'Cause I am weak, but Lord, You are so strong
And You know it's been way too long
It's been way too long
Lord move in a way that I've never seen before
Lord move in a way that I've never seen before
'Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move, or move me
Ok so you may have noticed that the rapid-fire sequence songs are all by the same artist. FYI, that's another God wink. FFH was one of my most favorite bands for a long time during my teen years. Jeremy Diebler is another "modern day psalmist" songwriter. He has a wonderful way of poignantly speaking truth through the raw and honest baring of his soul in the songs he writes. As I was experiencing this incredible recall of songs I hadn't thought about in years, I began to feel joyful again. It surprised me. Completely out of nowhere, really did not expect to feel such joy on a day like today. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, He really does always know what I need even when I haven't the slightest clue what I need. It makes me laugh just now as I write, thinking about a meme that Matthew and I have always laughed about together as an inside joke in our marriage. I feel like it describes me accurately a lot of the time. 😀
Ok back to my point. Does this post feel long and rambly to anyone besides me? Seriously, that's a picture of how my mind is most of the time these days. It's why I struggle frequently to put together coherent thoughts. And just another example of why I desperately need Him to help me figure it all out. As I was saying, I found myself surprised by the joy I was feeling. I'm not sure why because the Bible says that in His presence, there is fullness of joy. So as I was sitting there contemplating the fact that I was surprised by the joy I was feeling and asking myself why I was surprised when I know that God is good and He is faithful, I began singing this song (Yep, you guessed it! Another song that I have literally not thought about in over 10 years)...
Surprised By Joy - Carolyn Arends
Every once in a while on a summer night
The sunset glows and I see the light
And when the stars come out it dawns on me
There is holy ground underneath my feet
Surprised by joy
Awash in love
Just one taste of grace
And I'm overcome
You've got a way
Of breaking through
'Til I'm surprised by joy
I'm amazed by you
Just the other day when I kissed my son
I was blown away by what you've done
'Cause when he smiles at me with his toothless grin
All at once I see your hand on him
Surprised by joy
Awash in love
Just one taste of grace
And I'm overcome
You've got a way
Of breaking through
'Til I'm surprised by joy
I'm amazed by you
And when I least expect it
You surround me
You astound me with your love
Surprised by joy
Awash in love
Just one taste of grace
And I'm overcome
You've got a way
Of breaking through
'Til I'm surprised by joy
I'm amazed by you
So there you have it. A scattered, sort of random assortment of thoughts that I've experienced today during my alone time with Him. I feel in a way like this post is so strange and uncoordinated, but I know it's what I'm supposed to share, crazy rambling and all, so I'm going with it. I’ve had a lot of people recently tell me what a great writer I am. I don’t say that to boast in ANY way. I say that to say that this: writing has become an act of surrender for me. Being transparent about this process and what’s on my heart is an accountability for me. I don’t have anything to write unless I am pouring out my heart to Him on a regular basis. I pray that He continues to give me the words and speaks through me, I trust that He will. I am a willing vessel that I pray He will use for His glory.
I’m so thankful that no matter how I’m feeling or what is going on around me, He never lets go. He is always here. He always provides. He is enough for me because He is I AM. I don’t know how I could NOT share His goodness. I might literally explode if I try to contain it or hold it in. So I say, “Here’s my song, You write the words. Here’s my heart, You write the words. Here’s my life, You write the words.” And most importantly, He is my JOY, even on the darkest of days.
I'd like to end with this song that is yet another God wink in my experience today. I first heard this song in 2006 as a senior in high school when our Bible teacher at the time (who is now my pastor and friend who spent all day with us at the hospital in our darkest hours with Ellie and who led her celebration of life service) took my class to Nashville to the Passion Conference. Without rambling on and on, (I feel like I've already done that enough for today!) I'll just say that it was a very sweet time and amazing experience in my walk with the Lord. If you haven't figured out by now, I often have strong emotional connections with music, and hearing a song can instantly bring me back to a place where God has worked in my life before. Hearing this particular song brings back the memories of another time when God was doing big things in my life, just like He is now. I feel like it's a fitting end to this crazy, beautiful mess of a post.
(This video is from the conference I attended, where I heard the song for the first time)
You Are My Joy - David Crowder*Band
And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.
With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And I cannot hold it in and remain composed.
Love's taken over me and so I propose the letting myself go.
I am letting myself go.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.
With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And I cannot hold it in and remain composed.
Love's taken over me and so I propose the letting myself go.
I am letting myself go.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
I need to catch my breath, I need to.
I need to catch my breath, give me a moment now.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
I'm laughing so hard...
*Edit: I'm sorry about the spacing issues. I'm not sure why it's not publishing properly.
Comments
Post a Comment