All I Can Say

We’re having a snow day here in East Texas. Since we’re not used to snow and ice in this area, basically the whole city shuts down as a result. So we’re being cooped up in the house because roads are slick and there’s really nowhere to go anyway. I don’t do very well being cooped up in the house these days. Some days I feel like staying home anyway, but I really hate not having the option to get out or have someone over. I tend to feel more depressed on days like today. Sure, the snow is beautiful outside. But it’s so cold. And I don’t really feel like going out to play in it.

I struggle thinking that Ellie should be here to see the snow, but she’s not. This is the first time we’ve had snow on the ground since Timothy was about 3 months old, so it’s the first time for all of my kids to see snow. Except Ellie. Because she’s not here. Not that she would remember it even if she was here, but regardless, the lack of her presence here with us is really suffocating at times. 

Today is just one of those days that I’m giving it all I’ve got, yet that just doesn’t feel like much. It’s a constant struggle. I’m reminded of the words to a song that I used for a project in high school years ago. I did a project on the book of Job and chose this song as a fitting description of what Job may have felt like. I don’t presume to compare myself to Job because he suffered so much more than what I’m walking through right now. However, I do look to him as an example of how to trust God in the midst of pain and suffering. The Bible says that in all that he experienced, Job never sinned because he did not curse God. It would be so easy to sink into despair and blame God for what happened to my sweet girl. Honestly, I don’t blame God. I wish things were different, but I don’t blame Him. I trust Him. I know that He is working all things for my good because He is true to His word. I may not be able to see it right now, but I trust Him. He asked me months ago if I trusted Him, and I said yes. And I continue to say yes day by day, moment by moment, because only He knows what today holds and what tomorrow will bring. I know that He will take care of everything if I will leave it in His hands. Sometimes that’s harder than others. 

All I Can Say – David Crowder Band

Lord I'm tired

So tired from walking

And Lord I'm so alone

And Lord the dark

Is creeping in

Creeping up

To swallow me

I think I'll stop

Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cryin'?

And didn't You hear me call Your name?

Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?

I wish You'd remember

Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now

And this is all that I can give

I didn't notice You were standing here

I didn't know that

That was You holding me

I didn't notice You were cryin' too

I didn't know that

That was You washing my feet

I love the part towards the end when the songwriter talks about how he didn’t notice God standing there, holding him, crying with him and washing his feet. I think sometimes it’s easy to be so wrapped up in my own grief that I fail to notice that He is here with me grieving too. He knows what it’s like to lose a child too. 

Sometimes it’s easy to begin the comparison game with others who have experienced loss or who have had scary situations but all turned out ok. It’s tempting to ask, “Why me? Why did God have to take Ellie? Why does He choose to save some and not others?” The truth is, I may not ever know the answer to that question. But God asks me to trust Him whether I understand or not. It reminds me of the story in Genesis when God asks Abraham to take his only son, the son he’s waited his whole life for and who is supposed to be the fulfillment of God’s promises, and sacrifice him on an altar. Abraham doesn’t ask why, he simply obeys. How hard must that have been? What must have gone through his mind? But Abraham trusted God enough to follow, even when it didn’t make sense.

The whole way up the mountain, Isaac asked about the lamb. Where is the lamb? What are we going to sacrifice? Abraham just kept saying that the Lord would provide the lamb. God will provide the lamb. We don’t have to worry about that. We trust that God will provide. So as the story goes on, just before Abraham uses the knife to sacrifice his son, God stops him. I fully believe that Abraham did intend to kill his son in that moment because He trusted God that much, even though it didn’t make sense. It makes me wonder if I would trust God that much? God knows what He’s doing, but sometimes it just hurts. Sometimes it’s so hard to trust Him when things don’t make sense. 

In fact, God did not provide a lamb that day. What He did provide was a ram caught in a thicket. So Abraham and Isaac sacrificed the ram as a pleasing offering to God. Here’s the thing: the ram is not what they expected. Abraham was trusting that God would provide a lamb, and He didn’t. He provided something else in that moment instead, but it was exactly what they needed when they needed it. The thing about this story that blows me away is that many years later, on that very same mountain, God DID provide a Lamb. He provided THE Lamb. Jesus was the perfect Lamb who was sacrificed for all of us. It is because of His sacrifice that I know I will see my baby girl again one day. Even though the pain is great right now, each day that passes puts me one day closer to seeing her again. While it’s hard to not get bogged down trying to make sense of it all or looking for answers, I don’t want to waste so much time looking for a ram that I forget about the Lamb. That’s the big picture.