Firm Foundation

Pain. Stress. Loss. Loneliness. Strength. Courage. Faith. Hope.
These words all describe the season of life I've been in lately. I have so much to say, yet there's been so much that I can't discuss publicly just yet. So I've been quiet. But I can't be quiet anymore.

Nana and Pop

In the last 5 months, I have lost 2 beloved grandparents. My Nana passed away in August after a long battle with cancer. Her husband, known to our family as Pop, followed behind her, pretty unexpectedly, just 8 weeks later. We expected Nana's death. I prepared for it, at least as much as one can prepare for death. Truthfully, I expected it to be harder than it was. I loved Nana deeply, and I miss her. But she had been sick for a very long time. In many ways, her death was a relief. Relief that she was no longer suffering. Relief that Pop and the rest of the family no longer had to watch her suffer. It was a totally different experience than Ellie's death. It felt natural. This is the way its supposed to happen. We are supposed to live long, fulfilling lives and die in our beds when we're old. I think that's the biggest reason why it hasn't felt as painful as losing Ellie. It follows the laws of nature. Children are supposed to bury their parents, not the other way around.

Our family certainly has had its share of topsy-turvy life and curveballs. Coincidentally, the weekend that we lost Pop, we moved into a new home, also a big transition for my family. Then, November brought Ellie's birthday and the 2 year anniversary of Ellie's home-going. Last year was hard. This year was BRUTAL. It caught me by surprise. I powered through last year and even felt a sense of accomplishment that I had survived an entire year without her. I anticipated the anniversary date with nerves and a little dread, but I figured it couldn't be worse than last year. Boy was I wrong! This year, I just wanted to curl up in bed and hide. Actually, I pretty much did. I took the day off work and made no plans so that I'd have the freedom to do whatever I felt like I needed to do. I dropped the kids off at school and came home to crawl into bed. I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. I wept remembering the day I had to give her back to Jesus. I wept longing for all the things that will never be. I wept in anguish over how much I miss her and the huge hole her absence has left in my heart. Most days, it's a dull ache, barely noticeable. But that day, it was like the wound had been ripped open all over again, and it was all I could do to apply a tourniquet to staunch the bleeding. In some ways, it felt like a levee that had been holding back an ocean full of grief had snapped and it all came rushing over me at once. But even in those moments, I was reminded that my foundation is firm, built on the One who never changes. When the waves of grief and anguish came crashing over me, threatening to drown me, I clung to Him.

Firm Foundation - Selah

When the threat of darkness has come breaking in

And the force of fear blows like a violent wind

When confusion strikes and clouds of chaos hit

I know
That my heart cannot be held by circumstance

For my eyes are locked on the God who sees the end

So when this world around me cries out, "Who can stand?"

I know
That I will not be moved for my feet are planted in You

I will not be moved for my feet are planted in You

A firm foundation, my Solid Rock

You can't be shaken, You won't be stopped

You hold me fast, You never leave

You are the hope to which I cling

A firm foundation, my God, You are

Even when the mountains bow to rising waves

No, the seas of doubt will never make me sway

Yes, I will rejoice within the current's rage

Singing oh

I will not be moved for my feet are planted in You

A firm foundation, my Solid Rock

You can't be shaken, You won't be stopped

You hold me fast, You never leave

You are the hope to which I cling

A firm foundation, my God, You are

You're holding me, You're holding me steady

If it floods, I'm gonna be ready

I am sealed in You, oh

You're holding me, You're holding me steady

In the break of every levee

I am sealed in You

A firm foundation, my Solid Rock

You can't be shaken, You won't be stopped

You hold me fast, You never leave

You are the hope to which I cling

A firm foundation, my God, You are

One of our many family birthday celebrations

I had survived yet another year without our precious girl here with us. But it wasn't over just yet. On December 6th, I celebrated my birthday. But this year was different. It's the first of my 32 years to celebrate a birthday without Pop. He was my birthday buddy. Years ago, when my parents told him they were expecting me and that I was due on Thanksgiving, Pop quietly walked over to the calendar to try and inconspicuously count how many days late I'd have to be in order to be born on his birthday (the answer is 11 days late, for any inquiring minds). My mom assured him that was NOT happening. Well, guess who was born on Pop's birthday? 😉 

Throughout the years, Pop celebrated his birthday with Disney cakes, Barbie cakes and everything in between. One year, we had a special calculator cake made for him since he was a numbers and accounting guy. As I got older, we always had an unspoken race to see who could call the other one first to wish them happy birthday. I've wanted to call him so many times over the last week to wish him a happy birthday. It's a different kind of grief and sadness. With Ellie and my other babies, I grieve the things that will never be. With Nana and Pop, I grieve the things that were and look back fondly on the time we had together. 

One of my favorite photos -
Pop holding Ellie

You see, we've entered a new season of life. We're now in the middle of a new holiday season in a new home and without two of the most important family members, as well as yet another holiday season without Ellie. It's a season for new traditions, new habits. New is good, but it can also be hard. Change sometimes stretches us in ways we never thought we could be stretched. Something God has taught me in this season fraught with loss, overwhelm and struggle is that the solution is simple. No, I don't mean there's a magic cure-all to fix everything that's going wrong in our lives. But so many of our problems stem from us trying to control our circumstances and fix what's wrong in our own strength. We think we can do more, be better, and be strong enough on our own. If things would just go the way we think they should, all would be right with the world. That is a lie. When we try to do things on our own, we will ALWAYS come up empty. And that emptiness, more often than not, leads to fear. Fear can paralyze us. It blinds us, binds us and traps us in our struggle. It causes us to feel overwhelmed and hopeless. But when we look beyond ourselves and begin to worship the One who has already conquered sin and death, our chains fall away, our path becomes clear, and we can walk in His freedom. Yes, we may still be in the thick of a struggle. But we no longer feel alone. Our focus shifts from everything we fear and everything we can't do on our own to everything that HE can do and everything He IS ALREADY DOING within and all around us. You see, no matter how many times we lose sight of Him and begin to drown in the weight of our struggle, He is always waiting with open arms to rescue us when we reach out to Him again.

Run to the Father - Matt Maher

I've carried a burden

For too long on my own

I wasn't created

To bear it alone

I hear Your invitation

To let it all go

I see it now

I'm laying it down

And I know that I need You

I run to the Father

I fall into grace

I'm done with the hiding

No reason to wait

My heart needs a surgeon

My soul needs a friend

So I'll run to the Father

Again and again

And again and again

You saw my condition

Had a plan from the start

Your Son for redemption

The price for my heart

And I don't have a context

For that kind of love

I don't understand

I can't comprehend

All I know is I need You

I run to the Father

I fall into grace

I'm done with the hiding

No reason to wait

My heart needs a surgeon

My soul needs a friend

So I'll run to the Father

Again and again

And again and again

My heart has been in Your sights

Long before my first breath

Running into Your arms

Is running to life from death

And I feel this rush deep in my chest

Your mercy is calling out

Just as I am You pull me in

And I know I need You now

I run to the Father

I fall into grace

I'm done with the hiding

No reason to wait

My heart found a surgeon

My soul found a friend

So I'll run to the Father

Again and again and again

This last song I want to share has ministered to me so much over the last few months. It's an oldie that was recently redone by my favorite group, Selah. I listened to it for the first time the day before we moved into our new home. I was exhausted from packing and preparing to move, and I decided to take a break and drive to the hospital to visit Pop.  Little did I know that in just a few hours, we would begin preparing to bring him home on hospice care after being told there was nothing else that could be done for him. Just a few days prior, he had been just fine. Then he slipped into unconsciousness with seemingly no explanation. We were reeling from the speed of his decline. It was bewildering and overwhelming. It didn't make sense. But God was there, gently reminding me that He was working, if I'd only shift my focus off of myself and my struggles and onto praising Him. My faith was tested once again. Life felt overwhelming and suffocating, like can't I just catch a freaking break for once?! It was tempting to allow my fear and worry over the unknowns swirling around me to overtake my heart. In those moments, I am so thankful that my God sees the end. He knows how this all turns out even though I haven't the slightest clue. I may feel pressed, but I won't be crushed. I may be struck down, but I won't be destroyed. When my footing threatens to give way, He remains a firm foundation. Let's not forget to praise Him for His goodness, no matter our circumstances. I'm thankful that even when the levees break, He is my Solid Rock. My world may be rattled and shaken upside down, but He is never surprised. He holds me steady when I take my eyes off of the storm raging around me and stay focused on Him, and His perfect love casts out all fear.💓

Praise the Lord - Selah

When you're up against a struggle that shatters all your dreams

And your hopes have been cruelly crushed by Satan's manifested schemes

And you feel the urge within you to submit to earthly fears

Don't let the faith you're standing in seem to disappear

Praise the Lord, He can work through those who praise Him

Praise the Lord, for our God inhabits praise

Praise the Lord, for the chains that seem to bind you

Serve only to remind you that they drop powerless behind you

When you praise Him

Now Satan is a liar and he wants to make us think

That we are paupers when he knows himself we're children of the King

So lift up the mighty shield of faith for the battle must be won

We know that Jesus Christ has risen so the work's already done

Praise the Lord, He can work through those who praise Him

Praise the Lord, for our God inhabits praise

Praise the Lord, for the chains that seem to bind you

Serve only to remind you that they drop powerless behind you

When you praise Him

Praise the Lord, He can work through those who praise Him

Praise the Lord, for our God inhabits praise

Praise the Lord, for the chains that seem to bind you

Serve only to remind you that they drop powerless behind you

When you praise Him

Praise Him, praise Him

When you praise Him

When you praise Him

When you praise

The Lord

He is your praise and He is your God, who has done for you these great and awesome wonders your eyes have seen.

Deuteronomy 10:21