I don't have a lot to say today. I've had so many things on my heart over the past week, but I'm having a hard time figuring out where to even start or how to break it up so I'm not writing a novel instead of a blog post. 😂 So I'm going to keep it short and sweet today. July is National Bereaved Parents Month. All month long, I've been wanting to highlight different issues that bereaved parents face, but like I said, I couldn't figure out how to start, and now here we are on July 27th. I have no idea where the month has gone, so I decided to just jump write in and share what's on my heart, hoping it will make some sense.
I know one of the most common questions or problems for people who have never lost a child is not knowing what to do or say to a grieving friend. People want to help, but they just don't know what to say. Sometimes they even end up saying nothing because they are so afraid of saying the wrong thing. This can lead to hurt and even more heartbreak for the bereaved parents who just want to know that their friends love and support them as they grieve. Over the course of a few posts, I'd like to share some of the things from my own experience that I've found helpful and some that I've found not-so-helpful. There are so many things I could say about this topic because I want to help others understand a little more about how they can love on their grieving friends. So I'm going to start by answering some questions I've been asked about what it's like to lose a child and about my grief process. Keep in mind, all of this is specific to me, and I don't presume to speak on behalf of grieving parents everywhere. But from what I've seen in some of the grief communities I'm a part of, many of these things are not specific to just me. Here we go...
One of the most common things I have heard are comments along the lines of, "You are so strong. I just don't think I could survive something like that," "You are so brave. I just couldn't do it." While these comments are totally well-meaning and meant to be a compliment, they're really frustrating to me. Let me explain why. First of all, if the shoe was on your foot, you COULD do it because you would have no choice. I've said it a thousand times, but nobody chooses child loss. I know that seems like a "duh" statement, but that's kind of what statements like the ones above imply. It's pretty simple actually. If I had a choice, I wouldn't be doing this right now, or ever. If I had a choice, I'd have 3 beautiful babies on earth and another on the way right now. If I had a choice, I would not be going to the cemetery to visit any of my children, much less two of them. But I didn't have a choice. I am not strong. I am not brave. I just simply don't have a choice but to keep breathing. I'm not trying to sound depressing because that's not what this post is about. I'm just painting that picture of reality for you. So next time you want to tell your grieving friend that you admire their strength, instead of telling them they are so much stronger than you are, try telling them just that. Say something like, "Words can't even describe how awful your loss is, but I just want you to know that I admire your strength and how you are gracefully dealing with it," instead. So now getting to the point of this post...I was asked the other day about how my losses have affected my faith and my relationship with God. I had been talking about my physical, hormonal and emotional struggles, and the person I was talking to asked me about my spiritual struggles. I didn't even have to think for a moment before I had an answer.
My faith has never been stronger. There is no way I could do any of this without Jesus. Period. I can't even breathe without Him. I can't function without Him. Any strength I have is straight from Him.
That's the honest truth. I'm not strong, and I'm not brave. There's a line in one of my favorite songs about child loss, called "I Will Carry You," that says "People say that I'm brave, but I'm not. Truth is, I'm barely hanging on. But there's a greater story written long before me because He loves you like this." That pretty much sums it up. So here's the other truth: Because of Him, I AM strong. Because of Him, I AM brave. Because of Him, I keep breathing, even on the days when it feels like there's literally nothing left. Truthfully, the only reason I am alive because He lives and because of the promise of eternity in heaven with my Savior and my family, all together and whole. I have two songs I want to share. I originally planned to share them in two separate posts, but when I sat down to write this, I just knew they went hand in hand, so here ya go!
It's hard to imagine breathing on my own
When every breath inside of me is tangled up in Yours
It's hard to imagine the sun without the moon
'Cause anything that's bright in me's only bouncing off of You
If I shine, it's because of You
If I love, it's because of You
If I'm strong, it's because of You
It's all because of You
It's easy to think that religion is a lie
When all I see is the hypocrite through the splinters in my eyes
It's easy to think that I just made You up
When everyone I know is scared of falling in love
If I shine, it's because of You
If I love, it's because of You
If I'm strong, it's because of You
If I'm right, it's because of You
If I shine, it's because of You
If I love, it's because of You
If I'm strong, it's because of You
If I'm right, it's because of You
I'm in love, in love, in love [x3]
I'm in love, I'm in love
If I shine, it's because of You
If I love, it's because of You
If I'm strong, it's because of You
It's all because
It's all because of You
Yeah, it's all for You
Yeah, it's all for You
Yeah, it's all for You
Yeah, it's all for You God
It's all for You
Yeah, it's all for You
I believe in the Son
I believe in the risen One
I believe I overcome
By the power of His blood
Amen, Amen
I'm alive, I'm alive
Because He lives
Amen, Amen
Let my song join the one that never ends
Because He lives
I was dead in the grave
I was covered in sin and shame
I heard mercy call my name
He rolled the stone away
Amen, Amen
I'm alive, I'm alive
Because He lives
Amen, Amen
Let my song join the one that never ends
Because He lives
I can face tomorrow
Because He lives
Every fear is gone
I know He holds my life my future in His hands
Amen, Amen
I'm alive, I'm alive
Because He lives
Amen, Amen
Let my song join the one that never ends
Because He lives
Because He lives
While there's not much about this grief journey that is simple, this is one of the things that really is just that simple. I know that I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. One of my favorite songs is In Christ Alone. The first and last verses have been playing in my head these last couple of weeks:
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all
Here in the love of Christ I stand.
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
I'm thankful that He commands my destiny and not me. Because I don't even have a clue. I can't do any of this on my own. So I choose to remain in His hands and let Him have it all. And until He returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I'll stand. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, every fear is gone. I know He holds my life, my future in His hands. 💓
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