It's hard to believe I haven't written in 9 months. There's been a lot going on behind the scenes that I just couldn't talk publicly about for a long time. It has been a difficult season of transition for myself and my family. Seasons. That word seems to be a recurring theme in my life here lately. As we're beginning to enjoy the first days of cooler weather here in East Texas, I'm reminded that, once again, we're entering a new season of life. Not just a physical, temporal season. I feel like I've also entered into a new season in my heart and in my journey. My story has been full of pain and heartbreak over the past few years. So many times, it has seemed like I just couldn't catch a break. Just when I'd begin to catch my breath, a new tragedy or difficult situation would present itself. You see, over this past year, I've been quietly going through a divorce. Divorce. It's not really a word that I thought would be a part of my story. When I said, "I do," I meant it for forever. Unfortunately, sometimes life just doesn't work out the way we planned. Without going into detail out of respect for my family's privacy, I will just say that, although it was the absolute last thing I ever thought I'd do, a little over a year ago, I made the decision to separate from my husband. The situation had become extremely toxic, and my mental and emotional health were suffering greatly. The decisions and steps taken since then have been bathed in prayer and godly counsel. Although this wasn't the outcome I'd hoped for, I have no doubt that I have walked in obedience throughout this season, following His lead.
The last year has been a season of grief and loss. Grief over the death of my marriage. The loss of what could have/should have been. The death of certain hopes and dreams. So many unknowns. Yet all the while I struggled to process all of the emotions and difficulties that arose because of my circumstances, God constantly reminded me that He was there in it with me, never letting me go. After all, He knows the pain of grief and loss. He is no stranger to the scar. This song has brought me so much comfort lately. Even in the moments when I felt overwhelmed and broken, His presence was so near. He was always faithful to meet me in those moments. Hallelujah, what a Father He is!
You are no stranger to the scar
So you can have my wounded heart
You weren't protected from the pain
So you can hold me when I break
You seek me out and find me here
With a love that knows the taste of tears
So I will trust in who you are
You're no stranger
No stranger to the scar
You are no stranger to the storm
You have calmed these winds before
Your voice still whispers, peace, be still
And the waves still do your will
So I won't fear the rising tide
The tempest roars and you arrive
I'll walk on these angry seas
For you're no stranger
You're no stranger, Lord, to me
No stranger, Lord, to me
Oh, you're no stranger to me, oh
Hallelujah, what a savior
Hallelujah, you are no stranger to me
Hallelujah, what a father
Hallelujah, you are no stranger to me
You are no stranger to me
You are no stranger to the grave
You laid still beneath its weight
But you have conquered death's domain
You have rescued me from shame
Here I am, a soul you saved
Redemption mine and mine always
I am yours for all eternity
For I'm no stranger
No stranger, Lord, to thee
No stranger, Lord, to thee
Hallelujah, what a savior
Hallelujah, you are no stranger to me
Hallelujah, what a father
Hallelujah, you are no stranger to me
One of the biggest adjustments in the past year has been learning how to be a single mom. Single mom life is HARD. It's exhausting. Draining. There is very little room for rest and retreat because little ones have needs that must be met. Not to mention trying to juggle everything on my own while going through the grief and emotional process. Honestly, I think it had a lot to do with why the second anniversary of Ellie's death was so difficult for me last year. It had already been a season of immense loss. The loss of my grandparents hit hard, and the loss of my marriage hit even harder. Even though I do not regret the decision I made, that doesn't mean it's been easy, and it certainly wasn't a decision made lightly. There have been many bumps along the road and so many nights my heart cried out to God in desperation. I knew He would somehow redeem what was lost and broken, but sometimes the weight of it all seemed impossible. You may remember a post I wrote a while back about how, just a few short weeks after Ellie ran ahead to heaven, we went to a concert with a surprise special guest. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, here's a quick refresher. Anyway, here recently, Rebecca St. James released her first album in several years, while pregnant with her second rainbow baby. If you're not familiar with what that means, "rainbow baby" is a term often used in the pregnancy and infant loss community to describe a child born after a loss. It comes from the idea that the rainbow comes after a storm. One of the dreams I gave up this past year was the desire to have my own rainbow baby. We never planned for Ellie to be our last baby, and I knew I wanted to have another little one at some point. However, as circumstances changed, I knew that the death of my marriage might mean that I'll never have a rainbow baby. In one particular moment of sadness as I thought about never having a rainbow baby of my own, I felt that all-too-familiar voice whisper to my heart, "What if I have a different kind of rainbow in store for you?" It left me absolutely speechless and also filled with joy. You see, sometimes the Lord asks us to lay the desires of our heart on His altar because He has something even better in store for us. We may think we know what we want or need, but He is always faithful to provide everything we need, even the things we didn't even know we needed. And believe me, He gives GOOD gifts! This new song from Rebecca has become so special to me because it reminds me that even when I come to the end of myself in the darkest night of the storm, dawn is just around the corner. There is so much peace and healing to be found when we worship Him in those moments. He is there in those darkest nights of the soul, and He is always faithful to bring the dawn.
Lord, I'm so tired in this fight
Tired of waking up with no end in sight
I feel I've got so little left
I know that I've come to the end of myself
Help me hold on
Cling to You 'til I see the sun
Held by Your love, I sing alleluia
You're lifting my heart as I lift my hands
Safe in Your love, I sing alleluia
You're healing my heart as I lift my hands
Water the garden of my life
With every sorrow, every tear that I've cried
Redeem this winter for Your good
Lord, show Your power as only You could
Help me hold on
I'll cling to You 'til I see the sun, oh-oh
Held by Your love, I sing alleluia
You're lifting my heart as I lift my hands
Safe in Your love, I sing alleluia
You're healing my heart as I lift my hands
Even in the darkness, even when it's hardest
You are faithful and You bring the dawn
On every mountain, I'll sing it even louder
You are faithful and You bring the dawn
Held by Your love, I sing alleluia
You're lifting my heart as I lift my hands
Safe in Your love, I sing alleluia
You're healing my heart as I lift my hands
While this has definitely been a season of pain and death, it has also been a season of rebirth and new life. In fact, the two often go hand in hand. Just like Jesus said in John 12:24, "unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." This has been a season of soul-searching and redemption. A season of growth and change. It isn't always pleasant being pruned by the One who knows best. In fact, it usually goes against the grain of our flesh and what's comfortable. But He promises that He will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born (Isaiah 66:9). Even in the pain, I trust that He is making something beautiful out of the mess.
I'm so concerned with what I look like from the outside
And will I blossom in to what you hope I'll be.
Yet you are so patient judged to help me see that blooms come from the deepest seed that you planted in me.
Some times it's hard to grow when ever body is watching.
To have your heart pruned by the One who knows best
Although I am bare and cold I know my season's coming
And I will spring up in... in this faithfulness.
With my roots deep in you
I will grow the branch that bears the fruit
And though I'm small I still will be standing in the storm.
Cause I am planted by the river
By your streams of living water
And I will grow up strong and beautiful all for your splendor Lord.
So with my arms stretched out I am swaying to your heartbeat.
I am growing with the sound of your voice calling
You are bringing out the beauty that you had put in me
For your joy and for your glory falling.
With my roots deep in you
I grow the branch that bears the fruit
And though I am small I still will be standing in the storm.
Cause I am planted by the river
By your streams of living water
And I will grow up strong and beautiful all for your splendor Lord.
Ohhhhh... You raise me in your love, love, love,
You raise me in your love
You raise me in your power.
Thank you Lord.
Roots. How does a tree withstand storms with swirling winds and driving rains? They may sway, and sometimes they even break, but when the roots go deep enough, that tree can withstand the storm and continue to grow and bloom despite what's going on around it. For me, this has been a season of remaining firmly rooted in my faith, despite the struggles. As my world was once again turned upside down, I found myself going "back to basics" in my faith. It was so important to listen to His still, small voice over the noise around me. "Although I'm bare and cold, I know my season's coming..." All in His timing. 🌸
In fact, I recently did a little something that I've been wanting to do for a while. I put a visual reminder of my angel babies and my season of growth on my arm. One flower for each of my 4 babies in heaven. The color and types of each were chosen with intention. The vibrant colors remind me of the beautiful rainbow and new life that I know God has planned for me. The night has been long, but dawn is near. I love looking down and being reminded of it daily.
Sorry for all the songs (Ok, I'm not really sorry because they're all awesome! 😉), but man, it's been a long time since I posted! I've got some serious catching up to do! This next one is a song that has ministered to my heart so many times, especially in this season of beginning my "new" life. It's such a beautiful reminder of the absolute devastation of where I've been yet the beautiful redemption and how He is always working things out for my good.
You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
'Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
That has been my prayer all along in this journey these past few years. I want every heartbreak and scar to remind me of the One who has carried me this far and who continues carrying me every moment of every day. You see, eventually the heart does begin to heal, and the pain does begin to lessen. Sure, it'll always still be there. I'll always be missing pieces of my heart this side of heaven. But thank God for grace and redemption that allow joy and sorrow to coexist. I can honestly say that my heart has started learning how to beat again. It finally feels like dawn has come after a long, painful, dark night of the soul, and I can't wait to see that beautiful rainbow that I know He has in store, whatever it may look like! Thank God that He is truly present in every single season of our lives, through the laughter and the tears, the changes and transitions, and even in the coldest of winters that are full of death and pain. And praise God that He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose, for He is always faithful to bring the spring filled with new life!
Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children's games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer
And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come
You are autumn
And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter
And everything that's new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season's change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring
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