This post is weighing very heavily on my heart. I have so many thoughts swirling in my head right now, but I trust that God will allow this to all come together in a way that makes sense. So here goes nothin'!
Victor or victim? What a simple, yet loaded, question. Are we living as victors in Christ or as victims of our circumstances? This is something God has been speaking to my heart over the past several weeks. Because of our human nature, it's always easier to point the finger at everyone else and make ourselves feel like a victim. It's not fun to think about ways that we fall short or areas where we struggle. And what about the times when we actually are victims? No doubt about it, I am a victim of child loss. It is not something I chose for myself, and I would have done anything within my power to prevent it from happening to me. But it did happen. And for a long time, I felt like I was a victim of my circumstances and that so much of who I was at my core had been robbed from me because of what had happened to me. Don't get me wrong, I never completely lost who I was because I always knew WHOSE I was, even in the hardest moments. But I'd be lying if I said there haven't been times throughout this past year that I truly thought I might not survive the heartache.
Here's the thing: we can't always control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond to it. Devastating life circumstances really can make or break you. It's all about what you choose to do with it. As for me, I have been committed to putting in the work necessary and being open to allow God to come into the hurt and broken places to redeem and restore. Let me just tell you, it hasn't been pretty. Grief is messy. The struggle can be ugly at times. But God has taken me through the journey of a lifetime this past year. He has shown me the true meaning of embracing the brokenness and choosing to live my life as a victor in Christ rather than as a victim of child loss and everything that goes with that. I can honestly say that I feel like a new person today than the person I was this time last year. There was a time that I didn't even recognize the shell of the person I saw in the mirror. So much of myself felt lost and had been replaced with the inexplicable and overwhelming weight of grief. I felt angry over the loss of the person I once was.
Because of previous experiences, I knew that I wanted to do whatever it took to allow God to heal my brokenness. I refuse to settle for less than His best for my life. For me, that includes not just accepting certain aspects of the weight of grief as my "new normal" and carrying those burdens for the rest of my life here on earth. For me, one of the most amazing tools that God has used to restore my hollow shell has been a therapy called EMDR. I won't go into a ton of detail here because I'm not a scientist or a psychologist. (If you're curious, you should totally Google it!) There's plenty of scientific research out there to back it up. It works. I believe a large part of my ability to feel the way I do right now is because God has used EMDR in my life in an amazing, transformative way. Essentially, it's a therapy that involves bilateral stimulation of eye movements to help your brain reprocess traumatic memories and file them away in your long-term memory. You see, when we experience something traumatic, it tends to get stuck in our frontal cortex and can cause triggers and PTSD. EMDR helps the brain reprocess those memories so that they don't continue to cause flashbacks and repeated trauma. I would highly recommend it for anyone who has experienced any type of traumatic situation.
While EMDR has been a wonderful tool, ultimately the mindset shift to live as a victor in Christ rather than a victim has been the work of the Holy Spirit in my heart. I am so excited to see all of the healing and restoration that He continues to do within me! But I believe that this type of healing and restoration can occur in anyone's life, whether you have lost a child or not. We all carry burdens, some heavier than others. Jesus calls us to come to Him and leave our burdens at His feet. He promises that His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. All He asks is that we lay everything we are, everything we have before Him. That's what the cross is for, my friends!
Everything I am
Everything I long to be
I lay it down at Your feet
I lay it down
I lay it down
I lay it down
At Your feet
I lay it down
I lay it down
I lay it down
Oh pearl of greatest price
No act of sacrifice
Can match the gift of life I find within Your gaze
Oh, what a sweet exchange
I die to rise again
Lifted up from the grave into Your hands of grace
A part of me died with Ellie. And truthfully, I was afraid it was gone forever. I began to wonder if I would ever feel pure joy again on this side of heaven. I wondered if I should just accept the hollow shell of the person I had been before as my "new normal." Actually, I really hate that term. While it's true that I am forever changed by losing Ellie and my other babies, that does not mean I am condemned to live out the rest of my earthly life as a hollow shell. Praise Jesus, He has replaced my heavy yoke with His own! I love the lyrics of that song where it talks about that sweet exchange that happens when I lay my everything at the feet of Jesus. It is true that there is nothing in this world that compares to the joy of knowing Him in a real way. And I feel like this song has a double meaning for me. As the Bible says, we are all dead in our sins until we receive Jesus and allow God to raise us up to new life with Him. I not only feel the magnitude of that when I listen to this song, but I also feel overwhelming joy at the new life He is raising within me from the ashes of Ellie's death. "Oh what a sweet exchange! I die to rise again, lifted up from the grave by the hands of grace!"
My friends, I want to extend the invitation to you as well. Especially as we are approaching the celebration of Christmas, which is supposed to be a joyful season. I know for many, it also brings pain and sorrow as we grieve the absence of those who aren't here with us. So many people around us, maybe even we ourselves, are hurting and broken this Christmas season. It is my prayer that you will hear His call to lay everything that is burdening you at His feet and allow His grace to cover you and carry you. Know that you don't have to carry those heavy burdens anymore. His arms are open, and He is ready to receive you and restore your broken heart. Oh, what a Savior He is! He is truly wonderful! And He is risen!
Are you hurting and broken within?
Overwhelmed by the weight of your sin?
Jesus is calling
Have you come to the end of yourself
Do you thirst for a drink from the well?
Jesus is calling
O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ
Leave behind your regrets and mistakes
Come today there’s no reason to wait
Jesus is calling
Bring your sorrows and trade them for joy
From the ashes a new life is born
Jesus is calling
O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ
Oh what a savior
Isn't He wonderful?
Sing hallelujah, Christ is risen
Bow down before Him
For He is Lord of all
Sing Hallelujah, Christ is risen
O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ
Bear your cross as you wait for the crown
Tell the world of the treasure you found
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