It has been quite a year! I've been pretty quiet on here this month because, honestly, I just wanted to keep my head down and get through it. We have a saying in our family "prepare for the worst but hope for the best." I think it actually came from the Message Bible paraphrase of Proverbs 21:31, which says "Do your best, prepare for the worst - then trust God to bring victory." In a phrase, that's pretty much how I have approached this month. There were so many significant dates to get through this month - Ellie's first birthday, the first anniversary of her death, Lizzie's due date, and the start of another holiday season. Truthfully, I didn't know what to expect emotionally for this month. It seems strange to say that God has brought victory, as in victory over what exactly? But I can honestly say that He has. I'd like to just hit a few of the highlights for you.
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| Photo Credit: Callynth Photography |
I struggled a lot in October. Historically, it has often been the few days leading up to a monthly anniversary that were more difficult than the actual day, for some reason. So it made sense that October was extra challenging because it was leading up to the big month of firsts. After months of trying to decide what to do to celebrate Ellie's first birthday, I decided I'd really like to have some family pictures made. I contacted our wonderful Now I Lay e Down to Sleep photographer, who came to the funeral home and took beautiful pictures of Ellie, and scheduled an appointment. She took some beautiful photos of our family and this very special birthday picture of our "Ellie Bear," which was provided by Molly Bears.
So we started the month of November with a surprise pregnancy. When I say surprise, I mean it was literally not even on the radar at all until I started noticing symptoms. I'm one of those people who feels ALL the symptoms super early, well before I can confirm it with a test. I've been in a season of healing, both emotionally and physically, and a new pregnancy was not in our plans for the present time. At first I freaked out a little, but then came that still, small voice asking, "Do you trust Me?" I said yes and was filled with the peace that truly passes all understanding. After several days of waiting rather impatiently, that second line on the test finally appeared! It struck me that a year ago shortly after we lost Ellie, I had prayed that I would be pregnant again by her first birthday. It just felt like something I needed for my own personal healing process. Then when we found out we were pregnant with Lizzie, there was a very real possibility that we might have a baby in our arms by Ellie's birthday. But after we lost Lizzie, I forgot about that prayer. I had just accepted that it was not a season for us to expand our family. Actually, I hadn't even thought about it in months until I started noticing the pregnancy symptoms, and I realized that I would be officially confirming this new pregnancy just a couple of days before Ellie's birthday! Let me just tell you that the news brought so much joy to my heart! On the outside, it didn't seem like ideal timing. But I knew in my heart that it was absolutely God reminding me that even when I forget or when I think He doesn't care about the little things, He doesn't forget, and He does care. It was like a much-needed oasis in the desert of my grief during this season.
Unfortunately, just 2 days after the test had officially confirmed the presence of our new little life, it became clear that this precious baby could not stay for long, as I began to miscarry. My first thought was, "God why would you bring this pregnancy out of nowhere only to take it away again?" It wasn't an angry question, I was just genuinely puzzled. It didn't seem to make sense. And He kept asking me to trust Him. I knew that whether in my body or not, this baby was loved and cared for. It may seem odd to say this, but I don't feel sadness at all over this miscarriage. I feel joy and gratitude. Sure, I would love to be preparing to welcome a new life earthside, but I trust that God knows what He's doing, and He will allow that to happen in His perfect timing. I cannot wait to meet our precious baby in heaven one day! Most importantly, even though it didn't look like I thought it would, God was faithful, He heard the cry of my heart, and He answered the prayer that even I had forgotten I'd prayed. I will forever be grateful for that reminder. So our little blessing baby and Ellie officially share a birthday, November 3rd. 💗
Ellie's birthday was truly a day of celebration. Some amazing friends surprised me with the best gift. They had been planning for weeks and added me to a Facebook group the morning of her birthday so I could see just how much Ellie and I are loved. These friends spent the week before doing random acts of kindness in honor of Ellie, telling people about her as they did. So many loving acts were done in remembrance of our girl. Not only that, but many of them wore pink for Ellie's birthday, recorded themselves with their children singing happy birthday and blowing out candles for her. They even made me a book full of pictures of how far their love for Ellie had reached - literally around the world. I shed many tears that day, but not a single one was out of sadness. I was literally overwhelmed by the love of our friends and how much thought and effort they put into remembering her. The greatest gift anyone can ever give me is remembering my baby girl!
I started this blog nearly 1 year ago because I wanted to create a legacy to honor Ellie's life. I have chosen to share aspects of my grief publicly for the purpose of sharing my testimony of God's grace and His goodness throughout this journey. I've gotten some flack and criticism along the way. I've been criticized for seeking attention. I've been told that people don't read my blog because it makes them too sad or depressed. I've been told that some things I've written have made people afraid to approach me because I might yell at them if they say the wrong thing. I've been told I think my grief and pain is worse than anyone else's... None of that could be further from the truth, and I apologize if anything I've written has made anyone reading this feel any of those things. Yes, I talk about how hard things are because this is a hard journey. I don't think anyone would claim it's an easy thing to lose a child. And while it IS true that losing a child is a very unique type of loss, it certainly is NOT the only type of grief or loss. My intention is never to imply that my pain is greater than anyone else's.
However, my intention IS to declare God's goodness throughout this painful journey. I never write from a place of hopelessness. I write when I feel that I've overcome a particular challenge or obstacle and want to share what God is teaching me and how He is carrying me through it. I write when I am compelled to share because the Holy Spirit just won't let me keep it to myself! The only attention I am seeking here is to bring all honor and glory to Jesus Christ. It is my prayer that He uses this broken yet willing vessel to speak His truth and tell of His goodness and faithfulness. Getting my thoughts out "on paper" has been immensely beneficial to me personally throughout this journey, but it is my greatest hope that my vulnerability in sharing this intensely personal journey in this way is a blessing and encouragement to others, whether you've experienced similar loss or if you know someone who has.
Grace is a word that God spoke to my heart very soon after Ellie died. It just felt like a theme of this season of my life, for lack of a better way to explain it. So as I was reflecting on which song I should share for this post, Everything is Grace by Matt Maher came to mind. I had the privilege of seeing him in concert a couple of weeks ago. While he didn't sing this song, the first thing I noticed when I walked in the venue was a t-shirt with the phrase "everything is grace" written on it hanging up at the merch table. This was a little God-wink for me because I have loved this song for months and had actually looked for a shirt with that saying on it a while back and couldn't find one anywhere. So now I am the proud owner of an "everything is grace" t-shirt. 😊 I feel like this song perfectly sums up the theme of this past year for me. I hope you'll give it a listen!
Your joy, when the morning comes
Your hope, keeps me looking up
You are enough
Your joy, when the morning comes
Your hope, keeps me looking up
You are enough
Your peace, the eye of every storm
Your strength, when my heart is worn
You are enough
Whatever comes my way
I will walk through the flames
You’re turning my fear to faith
My doubt to praise
And everything is grace
Your love, when the wait is long
Your voice, keeps me holding on
You are enough
My delight, when bitterness comes close
My portion, the only thing I know
You are enough
Whatever comes my way
I will walk through the flames
You’re turning my fear to faith
My doubt to praise
And everything is grace
True in the pouring rain
True in the crashing waves
It’s true even in my pain, my heart can say
That everything is grace
Time after time, Your redemption is mine
Again and again, Your grace is everything
Time after time, Your redemption is mine
Again and again, Your grace is everything
You’re turning my fear to faith
My doubt to praise
And everything is grace
True in the pouring rain
True in the crashing waves
He’s true even in my pain, my heart can say
That everything is grace
Woah, my heart can say
That everything is grace
He asked me last year if He was truly enough for me. That has continued to be the theme for me throughout this year. It didn't always feel that way, but the truth is that He IS truly enough for me. He continues to turn my fear into faith, and my doubt into praise. His GRACE is enough for me. I want to end with two other songs that I've posted before. Both of them are really significant to me because I feel like they are just as true now as they were nearly a year ago when I shared them the first time. First of all, Matt Redman's song, Gracefully Broken, is where the name of this blog comes from. There's no doubt about it, I am broken. I will never be the same person I was a year ago. But He is knitting the pieces back together in a beautiful way that only He can. Once I finally gave Him all of it and allowed Him to truly heal me and change me, it has made all the difference. It is my prayer that I will always remain gracefully broken and allow His power to work through me.
Take all I have in these hands
And multiply, God, all that I am
And find my heart on the altar again
Set me on fire, set me on fire
Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken
My heart stands in awe of Your name
Your mighty love stands strong to the end
You will fulfill Your purpose for me
You won't forsake me, You will be with me
Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken
All to Jesus now
Holding nothing back
I surrender
Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken
Your power at work in me
I'm broken gracefully
I'm strong when I am weak
I will be free
Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken
Lastly, this is a song we chose to play at Ellie's funeral last year. It's an anthem of God's faithfulness in our lives. We sang it in faith last year, and today, the words have never been truer. He has never left us to walk alone. It has been a battleground, no doubt about it. It's not a journey I would wish on anyone. But like the song says, we have been carried by His constant grace and held within His perfect peace. We've come a long way this year. It has been brutal at times. Honestly, it feels like a sense of accomplishment that I've survived this first year because there were so many times I thought I wouldn't. But I know the struggles aren't over. As long as we are here on earth, there will be more scars and struggles on the way. But despite it all, with overwhelming joy in my heart, I am here to tell you that He is faithful, and through Him, we are MORE than conquerors!
Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we've come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battleground
Seeing just how much You've done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Kneeling on this battleground
Seeing just how much You've done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
My friends, his GRACE truly is EVERYTHING. If you are reading this, and you don't know Him or haven't experienced this grace that I'm speaking of, please reach out to me. I'd love to talk with you! 💗
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses,
so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
2 Corinthians 12:9
"But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself,
if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the
Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God."
Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God."
Acts 20:24
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