He is the Love

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. This is a day I didn't even realize was a thing prior to this year. With so many "awareness" days and months for various things throughout the year, it's hard to keep it all straight at times. There are a lot of different posts floating around out there, and honestly I didn't even plan to write a blog post today. But God has put something on my heart that I am compelled to share.

First of all, why do we even have an "awareness day" for something as tragic as pregnancy and infant loss? It's still a taboo topic in most of society, yet one in four women will experience a pregnancy or infant loss in their lifetime. One in four. I'd be willing to bet there are not just a few but many women in your life that have experienced this type of loss and yet you aren't even aware. I know there are in mine. I've talked to so many women, friends, who've experienced this type of loss and I had no idea until I experienced it myself and they shared with me. It's not something that gets talked about much. Why? It makes people uncomfortable. As a rule, people tend to shy away from uncomfortable topics. So while it may seem like a sad day or a heartbreaking thing to remember, for those of us who have experienced this type of loss, today is also a beautiful day, however we choose to remember. Some choose to do it publicly, and some prefer to remember privately. There is nothing wrong with either choice.

I will never get to buy birthday or Christmas presents for my girls. I will never see them grow up, go to kindergarten, graduate from high school or college, get married or have their own babies. Sure, I will always remember them in my heart, but it's nice to have a day where they are remembered and publicly recognized. For me, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day is about acknowledging my babies who now live in heaven. Their time on earth may have been brief, but they lived. My daughters Ellie and Lizzie existed. And it brings joy to my heart to know that they are acknowledged and remembered by those who participate in this day, whether by lighting candles in their memory or by however they choose to recognize and honor their lives. While I would give anything to have them here with me, remembering them isn't a sad thing. My heart rejoices in the reminder that I am not alone in remembering my precious babies and in remembering all of the other precious little ones gone from this earth far too soon.

This is a hard time of year for me. We're approaching Ellie's first birthday, the first anniversary of her death and also Lizzie's due date. All in the same month. November isn't even here yet, but I am definitely feeling the weight of it all. If I can be painfully honest here for a second, I struggle because I feel expectations around me that I need to "hurry up and be ok." I don't have anyone actually saying those words to me per se, but I do feel pressure to just be ok. Like ok, a year is long enough. Time to move on. But is it? Of course I have to keep on living and keep moving forward by getting out of bed each day and putting one foot in front of the other. But that's not what I'm talking about here. Is it ok that I'm still not ok sometimes? Should I still be struggling this much? Will I ever truly be ok? Those questions plague me.

This year has most definitely been a year of growth for me. Despite all the heartache and difficulties, God has been so present through it all. He has taught me so much not only about myself but about Himself and His character. He has lovingly called me away from so many things I once found comfort in so that I could truly focus on Him. He wanted me to yield only to His leading on how to navigate this grief journey, rather than voices from the outside looking in. To be honest, I was ok with that for a while. Life felt so overwhelming that it was nice to tune out the world and just focus on Him. But as time went on, I found myself becoming more dependent on other things. Once again, He has made it clear that He is lovingly drawing me to Himself and calling me to turn down the noise around me.

So you know what? It is ok that I'm "still" not ok. I'm doing my best to follow His lead. Am I doing that perfectly? Of course not. I'm only human. But I know that He is truly the One thing I can count on 100%. As it says in the psalms, my flesh and my heart may fail, but He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. As I was talking with a precious friend the other day, the Lord spoke to me. He reminded me that it's ok that I'm still on my face in the dirt a lot of the time. My flesh says that it's been almost a year, so it's time to pull up my bootstraps, dust myself off and keep going. But that's not what God says. He's reminding me that being in the trenches covered in mud, blood, sweat and tears is brutally painful, but I'm not alone here. He's here too. He's in the dirt with me, holding me through this and grieving with me. A year feels like forever and 5 seconds ago all at once. I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around it all sometimes. But I know that I don't have to force a timetable. I trust that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it - in His way and His timing.

I may be one in four. But He is the One. He continues to hold me together. And He is enough for me.

"He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together."

Colossians 1:17

"But you, beloved, building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, 21 keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life." 

Jude 1:20-21

He is the Love - David Crowder

This is the place I've known

Here in the arms of one who loves

Deeper than anyone

His are the hands I've grown to trust

And this is the place I've known

Here in the arms of one who loves

Farther than I could run

His are the hands I've grown to trust

And I believe...

His are the hands that spread the sky

And His is the love that gives me life

And His are the broken, the needy ones

And He is the love

His are the hands that spread to die

And His is a love sacrificed

We are the broken, the needy ones

And He is the love