Worn

Today I'm tired. Actually, most days I'm tired. The best visual of grief I've seen in a long time is the sculpture called "The Weight of Grief." Grieving a great loss is like walking around with a load of invisible rocks inside. You can feel them, and they are oh-so-heavy. But no one else really sees them. Oftentimes, people move at what seems like break-neck speeds all around me while I'm sitting here just trying to keep breathing and keep acting "normal." It takes a lot of energy most days to act normal. I don't talk about it a lot because I don't want to sound "whiney." It's not something to complain about, it's just something that is. I get frustrated with myself for even saying this because I know it totally sounds like a cop out, but I truly am doing the very best that I can. I've been doing a lot of emotional work to try and relieve some of that emotional weight, but it's a slow process. If you interact with me and something seems off, that's probably why. Please be patient with me. Some days that grief burden feels heavier than others. Some days I feel like I can barely stand beneath the weight. But I'm thankful that those days are getting fewer and further between as time goes on. 

The Weight of Grief

Another thing I've noticed lately is that I simply am not as resilient as I used to be. I've always had pretty thick skin. I'm generally pretty laid back and tend to roll with the punches most of the time. But it seems that my losses have changed that about me. Realizing that has been a process for sure. Truthfully, I miss being that way. I recognized it was different right away but assumed it was something that would get better with time. Maybe it will, but it certainly has not improved like I had hoped. I struggle with even the smallest changes. I get overwhelmed very easily. And worst of all, conflicts and tension can knock me off my feet in an instant. Things that used to not even phase me at all or that would have been simple to resolve by communicating now make me feel despondent and weigh heavily upon my heart. And since so much of my heart is occupied by grief, it doesn't take much to become overwhelmed, even by seemingly minor conflicts or stresses. All of these things tend to leave me feeling worn and weary.

Recently, after making a ton of progress in the physical and emotional healing process, I found myself facing a conflict that nearly completely incapacitated me yet again. I found myself feeling angry. Really angry. I was angry at the conflict itself but also at what I perceived to be massive amounts of hard-fought ground that seemed to be lost in a moment. I told myself, "I CANNOT go back to this place." "I have worked SO hard to come out of this pit, I am NEVER going back there." Yet there I was. On the worst of days when life gets too overwhelming, I have wanted to literally just curl up in a ball and die. I know that probably sounds extreme, but it's honest. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't felt that depth of despair personally. I've been afraid to say that here for a long time because I didn't want anyone reading this to worry about me being suicidal or wanting to die. I'm not, and I don't. But there have been times that the pain was so great that I have wished I could. I'd love to be with my girls again in a perfect place without pain or tears. But I have to wait on that for now. 

So here I was struggling with all this anger. Just prior to this conflict, I had reached a point where I was feeling like myself again most days, and it seemed that, even though I knew there would still be hard days, maybe the worst was finally over. I was excited about the future and finally had more energy to do things I've needed to do for a long time. After all, we are approaching the 1 year anniversary of Ellie's birth and death here in a couple of months, so surely the worst is over and it only gets better from here. Right? At least that's what I had begun to think. And then BAM. Out of nowhere, one conflict had me back on my face in the mud again. Then I thought, "Is this how the rest of life is going to be? I struggle and give literally everything I have to get back up again, only to be knocked backward by every little thing along the way?" All of that made me feel angry. Anger really hasn't been a huge part of my journey so far. I have never been angry at God. I have never even been angry about what happened to Ellie and Lizzie. I have had some days of feeling angry about the loss of the person I used to be. I have felt angry that my life is forever changed, and everything will always be bittersweet from now until we are all reunited in heaven. But even that has been a very small percentage of what I have felt along this journey. Truthfully, I've been very thankful that anger hasn't been a huge issue for me, because I know that many people do really struggle with that. So then I found myself feeling angry at the fact that I was so angry after all this time. I know that sounds ridiculous. I wish I was kidding. I have legit been angry about being angry.

As I talked with a dear friend trying to work through some of the anger I was feeling, she encouraged me to not make vows to myself like "I CANNOT ..." or "I'll never...." Those things never really end up well. Instead, she encouraged me to focus on the fact that no matter WHERE I am, whether it's the highest of highs or the lowest of lows, God is there with me, and He's got me. Talk about perspective! He knows how I feel, and He understands. He is redeeming my pain, even when I can't see it. He is here with me even in the moments when I'm so exhausted that I feel like I'm losing my will to keep fighting. In fact, the other night as I was pondering this very thing, He brought this song to mind.

Worn - Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired

I'm worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes

I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

'Cause I'm worn

I know I need

To lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin

I'm worn even before the day begins

I'm worn I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn

Though I'm worn

Yeah I'm worn

Last night, as I was driving home from visiting a friend, I felt prompted to play this song in its entirety. I'd been thinking about it for several days but hadn't taken the time to listen yet. As I did, the tears began to fall. What a beautiful reminder that He can mend my heart and make beautiful things again! See, when I lose my focus on that, I get overwhelmed and overcome by sorrow and pain. I begin to lose hope. And worst of all, I start fearing that I'm losing my will to keep fighting. But that line in the song! "I'm worn, I've lost my will to fight. I'm worn, so heaven come and flood my eyes." When I remember the big picture, heaven does flood my eyes - figuratively and literally! My best times are when I think about my girls in heaven and anticipate being there with our whole family together again one day. When I lose sight of that, I begin to feel bogged down by the weight of grief and the exhaustion of life. I'm thankful that He is the Healer. I love Casting Crowns' new song, God of All My Days. It is so true that even though my seasons change, He stays the same. I'm thankful that He lifts my head and floods my eyes with heaven in the moments when I'm at my weakest. I'm thankful that He's right beside me and that He is enough. I'm thankful that with each step I take, He makes a way. His grace is sufficient for me. Amen!

God of All My Days - Casting Crowns 

I came to You with my heart in pieces

And found the God with healing in His hands

I turned to You, put everything behind me

And found the God who makes all things new

I looked to You, drowning in my questions

And found the God who holds all wisdom

And I trusted You and stepped out on the ocean

You caught my hand among the waves

'Cause You're the God of all my days

Each step I take

You make a way

And I will give You all my praise

My seasons change, You stay the same

You're the God of all my days

I ran from You, I wandered in the shadows

And found a God who relentlessly pursues

I hid from You, haunted by my failure

And found the God whose grace still covers me

I fell on You when I was at my weakest

And found the God, the lifter of my head

And I've worshiped You

And felt You right beside me

You're the reason that I sing

'Cause You're the God of all my days

Each step I take

You make a way

And I will give You all my praise

My seasons change, You stay the same

You're the God of all my days

In my worry, God You are my stillness

In my searching, God You are my answers

In my blindness, God You are my vision

In my bondage, God You are my freedom

In my weakness, God You are my power

You're the reason that I sing

'Cause You're the God of all my days

Each step I take

You make a way

And I will give You all my praise

My seasons change, You stay the same

You're the God of all my days

In my blindness, God You are my vision

And in my bondage, God You are my freedom

All my days