Today I'm tired. Actually, most days I'm tired. The best visual of grief I've seen in a long time is the sculpture called "The Weight of Grief." Grieving a great loss is like walking around with a load of invisible rocks inside. You can feel them, and they are oh-so-heavy. But no one else really sees them. Oftentimes, people move at what seems like break-neck speeds all around me while I'm sitting here just trying to keep breathing and keep acting "normal." It takes a lot of energy most days to act normal. I don't talk about it a lot because I don't want to sound "whiney." It's not something to complain about, it's just something that is. I get frustrated with myself for even saying this because I know it totally sounds like a cop out, but I truly am doing the very best that I can. I've been doing a lot of emotional work to try and relieve some of that emotional weight, but it's a slow process. If you interact with me and something seems off, that's probably why. Please be patient with me. Some days that grief burden feels heavier than others. Some days I feel like I can barely stand beneath the weight. But I'm thankful that those days are getting fewer and further between as time goes on.
The Weight of Grief |
Recently, after making a ton of progress in the physical and emotional healing process, I found myself facing a conflict that nearly completely incapacitated me yet again. I found myself feeling angry. Really angry. I was angry at the conflict itself but also at what I perceived to be massive amounts of hard-fought ground that seemed to be lost in a moment. I told myself, "I CANNOT go back to this place." "I have worked SO hard to come out of this pit, I am NEVER going back there." Yet there I was. On the worst of days when life gets too overwhelming, I have wanted to literally just curl up in a ball and die. I know that probably sounds extreme, but it's honest. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't felt that depth of despair personally. I've been afraid to say that here for a long time because I didn't want anyone reading this to worry about me being suicidal or wanting to die. I'm not, and I don't. But there have been times that the pain was so great that I have wished I could. I'd love to be with my girls again in a perfect place without pain or tears. But I have to wait on that for now.
So here I was struggling with all this anger. Just prior to this conflict, I had reached a point where I was feeling like myself again most days, and it seemed that, even though I knew there would still be hard days, maybe the worst was finally over. I was excited about the future and finally had more energy to do things I've needed to do for a long time. After all, we are approaching the 1 year anniversary of Ellie's birth and death here in a couple of months, so surely the worst is over and it only gets better from here. Right? At least that's what I had begun to think. And then BAM. Out of nowhere, one conflict had me back on my face in the mud again. Then I thought, "Is this how the rest of life is going to be? I struggle and give literally everything I have to get back up again, only to be knocked backward by every little thing along the way?" All of that made me feel angry. Anger really hasn't been a huge part of my journey so far. I have never been angry at God. I have never even been angry about what happened to Ellie and Lizzie. I have had some days of feeling angry about the loss of the person I used to be. I have felt angry that my life is forever changed, and everything will always be bittersweet from now until we are all reunited in heaven. But even that has been a very small percentage of what I have felt along this journey. Truthfully, I've been very thankful that anger hasn't been a huge issue for me, because I know that many people do really struggle with that. So then I found myself feeling angry at the fact that I was so angry after all this time. I know that sounds ridiculous. I wish I was kidding. I have legit been angry about being angry.
As I talked with a dear friend trying to work through some of the anger I was feeling, she encouraged me to not make vows to myself like "I CANNOT ..." or "I'll never...." Those things never really end up well. Instead, she encouraged me to focus on the fact that no matter WHERE I am, whether it's the highest of highs or the lowest of lows, God is there with me, and He's got me. Talk about perspective! He knows how I feel, and He understands. He is redeeming my pain, even when I can't see it. He is here with me even in the moments when I'm so exhausted that I feel like I'm losing my will to keep fighting. In fact, the other night as I was pondering this very thing, He brought this song to mind.
I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn
Last night, as I was driving home from visiting a friend, I felt prompted to play this song in its entirety. I'd been thinking about it for several days but hadn't taken the time to listen yet. As I did, the tears began to fall. What a beautiful reminder that He can mend my heart and make beautiful things again! See, when I lose my focus on that, I get overwhelmed and overcome by sorrow and pain. I begin to lose hope. And worst of all, I start fearing that I'm losing my will to keep fighting. But that line in the song! "I'm worn, I've lost my will to fight. I'm worn, so heaven come and flood my eyes." When I remember the big picture, heaven does flood my eyes - figuratively and literally! My best times are when I think about my girls in heaven and anticipate being there with our whole family together again one day. When I lose sight of that, I begin to feel bogged down by the weight of grief and the exhaustion of life. I'm thankful that He is the Healer. I love Casting Crowns' new song, God of All My Days. It is so true that even though my seasons change, He stays the same. I'm thankful that He lifts my head and floods my eyes with heaven in the moments when I'm at my weakest. I'm thankful that He's right beside me and that He is enough. I'm thankful that with each step I take, He makes a way. His grace is sufficient for me. Amen!
I came to You with my heart in pieces
And found the God with healing in His hands
I turned to You, put everything behind me
And found the God who makes all things new
I looked to You, drowning in my questions
And found the God who holds all wisdom
And I trusted You and stepped out on the ocean
You caught my hand among the waves
'Cause You're the God of all my days
Each step I take
You make a way
And I will give You all my praise
My seasons change, You stay the same
You're the God of all my days
I ran from You, I wandered in the shadows
And found a God who relentlessly pursues
I hid from You, haunted by my failure
And found the God whose grace still covers me
I fell on You when I was at my weakest
And found the God, the lifter of my head
And I've worshiped You
And felt You right beside me
You're the reason that I sing
'Cause You're the God of all my days
Each step I take
You make a way
And I will give You all my praise
My seasons change, You stay the same
You're the God of all my days
In my worry, God You are my stillness
In my searching, God You are my answers
In my blindness, God You are my vision
In my bondage, God You are my freedom
In my weakness, God You are my power
You're the reason that I sing
'Cause You're the God of all my days
Each step I take
You make a way
And I will give You all my praise
My seasons change, You stay the same
You're the God of all my days
In my blindness, God You are my vision
And in my bondage, God You are my freedom
All my days
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