Lord of Hosts

Holy moly! I just took a look and realized it's been almost a month since I last posted. Sorry if anybody has been wondering how I've been. It has been a seriously action-packed month. Spoiler alert: I have NO idea where this post is going to go today, but I'm sure it will be LONG. Sorry in advance about that. I have so much on my mind and heart - and have for a couple of weeks now, at least! It is always so interesting to me how God seems to ordain the perfect time for me to sit down and write. It's hard to explain, but often I'll have something in mind that I want to write about, and I either can't seem to find time to actually sit down and write or I just simply don't feel a release to do so. Apparently God wants me to stew on things for a little while before I can share. That's kind of how it's been this month. There have been SO many times (I'm not even kidding!) that I've thought, "Ok it's time to write. I really need to make some time to sit down and do it." Then I'd just get this sense that it wasn't time yet. Really strange. 

The other thing that has kept me from writing is feeling like I didn't have the right song yet. I know I don't have to have a song every time, but for me, a huge part of the process is the song. A lot of times I'll start out with an idea of a song I want to write about and then God totally takes me in a different direction. Then when I hear "THE" song, I just know. And I listen to it repeatedly and meditate on it, pray through it, all before I sit down to write, and I  continue listening the whole time I'm writing. There have been a few key songs for me these past few weeks, but none that I felt were "THE" song. Until today. So now I know it's time. Ok that might be the longest introduction ever! 😁 Let's get to it...Oh wait, one more disclaimer: I already mentioned this post would be long. It's also going to be very HEAVY. Spiritually heavy - but in a good way! Ok now that you've been warned, let me explain.

Ok just kidding! I want to start with a song. This song is one that has been on constant repeat this last month. I LOVE it!

Grace to Grace - Hillsong Worship

If love endured that ancient cross

How precious is my Savior's blood

The beauty of heaven wrapped in my shame

The image of love upon death's frame

If having my heart was worth the pain

What joy could You see beyond the grave

If love found my soul worth dying for

How wonderful, how glorious

My Savior's scars victorious

My chains are gone, my debt is paid

From death to life and grace to grace

If heaven now owns that vacant tomb

How great is the hope that lives in You

The passion that tore through hell like a rose

The promise that rolled back death and its stone

If freedom is worth the life You raised

Oh where is my sin, where is my shame?

If love paid it all to have my heart

How wonderful, how glorious

My Savior's scars victorious

My chains are gone, my debt is paid

From death to life and grace to grace

When I see that cross, I see freedom

When I see that grave, I'll see Jesus

And from death to life, I will sing Your praise

In the wonder of Your grace

When I see that cross, I see freedom

When I see that grave, I'll see Jesus

And from death to life, I will sing Your praise

In the wonder of Your grace

How my soul will sing Your praise

In the wonder of Your grace

How my soul will sing Your praise

How wonderful, how glorious

My Savior's scars victorious

My chains are gone, my debt is paid

From death to life and grace to grace

Ok, part of me feels like I could really just stop writing right here...But I won't. 😂 This song is just so beautiful. I love how it paints such a glorious picture of God's grace and His love for us when He was on that cross. Because of Him, I DO have a great hope living inside of me. Because His scars are VICTORIOUS, I can share what I'm about to say next. 💓

Can I just say how powerful and holy the moment was when I sat at the cemetery this afternoon and looked at my daughter's grave while meditating on those words? When I see that cross, I see freedom. When I see that grave, I see Jesus. And from death to life I will sing Your praise in the wonder of Your grace. I know the song is probably talking about when we die and see Jesus face to face, but let me just tell you that it is so true for me even now. I can look at Ellie's grave and see Jesus because I know she isn't really there, and this is not the end. Because of the wonder of His grace. And my soul WILL sing His praise. When I look at her grave, I see so many things that God is doing through her short little life and how He continues to use it for His glory. And it's amazing! I heard someone say recently that the fire of faith is born in the darkness, and those of us who have a front row seat in the hard things and brokenness will get a front row seat to see firsthand the beauty when God redeems it. I LOVE that! PS - I can't wait!!!

Losing a child can absolutely shake your faith. And the phrase, "to live is Christ and to die is gain," has NEVER been more real to me. It has a way of giving you a new sense of urgency, as in living a life of urgency. We have a great mission, and we don't have a lot of time. I choose to let the loss of my child be a platform to share truth even louder than before, rather than letting it destroy me. The truth is that there are times while following God that we feel bruised and beaten. But sometimes our pain can lead to someone else's purpose. I pray that is the case for me. It reminds me of the story of Paul and Silas in Acts 16. They had just been beaten for sharing the good news of Jesus Christ. While they were suffering and shackled in prison, they began to sing. Pretty soon, the ground began to shake, and the chains fell off! You see, they knew that they were FREE before they were freed. They knew that even though their world was crazy in that moment that Jesus had not fallen off the throne. They didn't allow that prison to break their praise. Actually, sometimes prison is the best place to praise. I've learned that when I feel imprisoned in grief and suffering and want to give up that I need to use worship as my warfare. In fact, it makes me feel pretty bold. Devil, you may have taken my baby, but you will NOT take my voice.  These chains of grief and pain will NOT break me. Because my Savior's scars are VICTORIOUS! Sure, I still have bad days. Today has been one of the hard ones. But I know that my story, Ellie's story, is a part of God's grand narrative. If I don't live it, the body of Christ is going to miss out. I have confidence that God still has authority over my life. He is still on the throne, even when things don't make sense, and I want to be a part of what He's doing!

So with that said, I want to tell you a story about something I experienced recently. This is where the intensity is going to ramp up. If you've never really experienced much spiritual warfare in your life, this may not totally makes sense. But please hang on for the ride. To make a VERY long story a little shorter, a couple of weeks ago, it became apparent to me that someone in my life who I considered a close friend was actually an extremely toxic influence. In fact, that toxicity had been affecting me for months without me even realizing it. As soon as I made the connection, I made the decision to separate myself from that individual because, let's be honest, ain't nobody got time for that! I never in a million years could have anticipated what would come next. This person then proceeded to launch a 6 day smear campaign to completely trash my reputation and say some pretty horrible (and very untrue) things about me to a group of our mutual friends. To be honest, it was pretty devastating. This person who I thought was a close friend was now apparently on a mission to slander me and make me look like a terrible person to others who didn't have knowledge of what had really happened privately behind the scenes. For the first couple of days I was completely bewildered - seriously just wondering what in the world had I done to deserve this and why was it happening. 

A couple of days into the massive smear campaign, I realized that this wasn't a relational issue at all. It was a spiritual battle. God was trying to get my attention. I realized what I was dealing with was something known as a "Jezebel spirit." This is something I had heard of but didn't really know much about. If you're like me and feel like you need to be googling it, let me help you out. You can read a little more about it here and here. You can read more about the Jezebel of the Bible in 1 and 2 Kings. For those of you who prefer the cliff notes version, this is an extremely manipulative and controlling spirit. It's very seductive and easily draws people in, but at its core is pure narcissism and arrogance. I don't often experience spiritual warfare in a physical, tangible way, although it has happened on occasion throughout my life. If you have no idea what I'm talking about right now, I'd encourage you to check out this book by Frank Peretti. It's fiction, but he does a great job of painting a picture of what things go on in the spiritual realm all around us, often while we are completely unaware. So the night that I realized exactly what I was dealing with, about an hour after I went to sleep, I felt a physical oppression in my sleep. It's kind of hard to explain. I was asleep yet suddenly became acutely aware that a physical presence of darkness was trying to oppress and suffocate me while I slept. It felt kind of like a heavy, suffocating blanket that appeared out of nowhere, for lack of a better way to describe it. In my sleep, I recognized the spiritual darkness and told it to leave. It did, for a little while. But then it came back a second time a little while later. This time, I fully woke up, sat up in bed and dealt with it properly. When I say I dealt with it properly, I mean that I commanded it to leave in Jesus' name and told it that it had no power over me or my home and was not welcome here. If you're sitting there reading this right now thinking something along the lines of - this is nuts! - you're right. It was pretty nuts. But because my Savior's scars are VICTORIOUS, I have no reason to fear the forces of evil in this world. 

Anyway, once I knew what I was dealing with, I brought it to the attention of the person this spirit is using to accomplish its evil purposes. If you know anything about spiritual warfare or have ever experienced something similar, you know that this means I pretty well effectively kicked the hornet's nest. Obviously I had upset what it had going on if it felt the need to try and come intimidate me in my sleep. Crazy story, I know. And I am still praying for deliverance for this person who may not yet even have any idea of what this spirit is up to within their life. Please join with me in praying for this person that God would open their spiritual eyes to see the truth and ask for deliverance.

Are you still with me? I promise I'm wrapping up now. I think? A couple of days after all of this transpired, I went to a women's conference, and God really spoke to me through several of the speakers. I want to share some bullet points of what I learned in hopes that it might help you with something you might be dealing with in your own life. 

Right now I'm in "the middle." I'm in the middle of my life, in the middle of my grief, in the middle of God's story for me. Sometimes when we're in the middle, it's easy to get distracted. Sometimes we can't remember where we came from. And oftentimes, we have NO idea where we are going. Sometimes in the middle of darkness, we forget the truths that God has spoken to us in the light. Sometimes when we're in the middle, we feel forgotten or that disappointment is defining our lives. A lot of people get to "the middle" and simply give up because it's too hard. I know it sounds totally cliche to say this, but life is a marathon, not a sprint. Running a marathon requires a completely different skill set than running a sprint. In order to successfully run a marathon, we have to develop endurance. How do we do that? Endurance is something that is built over time by persevering through resistance and pressure. So what's the moral of the story? I will endure. I will not allow the enemy's attacks and resistance to cause me to crumble. Jesus is still on the throne, and if He could endure the things He endured to save my soul, I can endure whatever the enemy may throw at me because He gives me strength, and I have His HOPE living in me. 

The women's conference I attended was focused a lot on 2 Timothy and discipleship. The book of 2 Timothy was written by Paul while he was in prison at the end of his life. Timothy and Paul were very close, and Timothy was discipled by Paul throughout much of his life. When 2 Timothy was written, Timothy was living in "the middle." He wasn't exactly young anymore but hadn't yet reached his full potential in life either. I want to share 4 bullet points from one of the teachings at the conference. These are Paul's words of wisdom to Timothy as he walked through "the middle:"

1. Paul reminds Timothy of his faith. He is called to a holy life in response to what Jesus has done for him. God has always had a vision and plan for our lives, even when we don't see it.

2. Paul wants Timothy to remember who/what motivates and empowers him. We don't want to be motivated or consumed by fear. The Spirit of God wants to empower us with His power, but He can't do that if we allow ourselves to be driven by fear or distracted by doubt.

3. Paul encourages Timothy to remember to re-engage. It can be easy during times of doubt, loss and persecution to engage with God and His purpose for our lives. We are to fan into flame what God has placed within us for His glory.

4. Finally, Paul instructs Timothy to guard by the Spirit what has been entrusted to Him. We can't lose sight of God during difficult times because then we lose focus and are unable to guard what has been entrusted to us and the mission that He wants us to accomplish. 

Through this entire situation, God made it very clear that He has a specific calling on my life, especially for this season I'm in right now. I'm so excited to be sharing more about that as I figure it out more and more. But for now, I am walking confidently in the path that He has clearly laid out before me. And this rough situation I walked through with my "friend" was actually God's sovereign way of delivering me from being stuck in the toxicity that I didn't even realize I was in so that I can freely pursue the calling He has given me. Truly amazing! So as for the song that God made it clear was the song for this post, here it is. It really needs no introduction.

Psalm 46 (Lord of Hosts) - Shane and Shane

O come behold the works of God

The nations at His feet

He breaks the bow and bends the spear

And tells the wars to cease

O Mighty One of Israel

You are on our side

We walk by faith in God who burns the chariots with fire

Lord of Hosts, You're with us

With us in the fire

With us as a shelter

With us in the storm

You will lead us

Through the fiercest battle

Oh where else would we go

But with the Lord of Hosts

O God of Jacob, fierce and great

You lift Your voice to speak

The earth it bows and all

The mountains move into the sea

O Lord You know the hearts of men

And still you let them live

O God, who makes the mountains melt

Come wrestle us and win

O God who makes the mountains melt

Come wrestle us and win

Lord of Hosts, You're with us

With us in the fire

With us as a shelter

With us in the storm

You will lead us

Through the fiercest battle

Oh where else would we go

But with the Lord of Hosts

Though oceans roar, You are the Lord of all

The one who calms the wind and waves and makes my heart be still

Though the earth gives way, the mountains move into the sea

The nations rage, I know my God is in control

Though oceans roar, You are the Lord of all

The one who calms the wind and waves and makes my heart be still

Though the earth gives way, the mountains move into the sea

The nations rage, I know my God is in control

Lord of Hosts, You're with us

With us in the fire

With us as a shelter

With us in the storm

You will lead us

Through the fiercest battle

Oh where else would we go

But with the Lord of Hosts

I am so thankful that even in the middle of the storm and in the fiercest battles, He is still God. He is on my side, and He is in control. And He is the ONLY thing that can make my heart be still. Exodus 14:14 says, "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." And I gain my strength from being still before Him. I want to end with one last song. This is the song that, if you had asked me a couple of weeks ago what song I'd be writing about, this would have been it. This is an old song, but I bought this version as a part of a lullaby album that I planned to sing to Ellie during her middle of the night feedings. Truthfully, I don't listen to it often because it makes me cry every time. I sort of think of it as "Ellie's song," because her middle name is Love. The last verse always gets me because it makes me think about those final moments I had with her just before her spirit left her body and God took her back to heaven with Him. One day in the middle of the craziness I talked about above, I was driving in the car by myself, and this song came on. I almost changed it like I usually do because it totally makes me bawl my eyes out, but I felt like I should listen. It did make me cry, as usual, but it also struck me that Ellie's middle name is Love partly because my middle name is also Love. And it was a beautiful way of God showing me that no matter what was being said about me and how badly I was being treated, His banner over me is love, and I belong to Him, so I can rest in that and not worry about anything else. 💗

His Banner Over Me - Christy Nockels

I am my Beloved's and He is mine

His banner over me is love

I am my Beloved's and He is mine

His banner over me is love

I am my Beloved's and He is mine

His banner over me is love

His banner over me is love

He brought me to His banqueting table

His banner over me is love

He brought me to His banqueting table

His banner over me is love

He brought me to His banqueting table

His banner over me is love

His banner over me is love

He lifted me up into heavenly places

His banner over me is love

He lifted me up into heavenly places

His banner over me is love

He lifted me up into heavenly places

His banner over me is love

His banner over me is love

Psalm 6
Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.

My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, Lord, how long?

Turn, Lord, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
Among the dead no one proclaims your name.
Who praises you from the grave?

I am worn out from my groaning.
All night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.

Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the Lord has heard my weeping.

The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
the Lord accepts my prayer.
All my enemies will be overwhelmed with shame and anguish;
they will turn back and suddenly be put to shame.