Gracefully Broken: The Legacy of Ellie Love

Today I feel angry. On the days when we just stay at home with no plans, I really struggle. This is new for me because I'm generally a homebody. Not that I don't like to get out and do things, but traditionally, once or twice a week for activities is good for me. The rest of the time, I prefer being at home. Now I don't know what I want anymore. When we're on the run for too many days, I start to feel overwhelmed and behind on things at home. But when we have stay at home days that I used to enjoy, I suddenly feel really blah and completely unmotivated to do anything at all. I've got big plans for things I'd like to get done. Yet zero motivation to do any of them. I tend to just sit around feeling sad. That has been my day today. While I'm not experiencing the all-consuming black hole depression that I was, I do think that I'm still dealing with some. It's like baby blues but without the baby. It sucks.  Thinking about it all today, I got ang...

I don't even know where to start. So many words. So many things to share. This week has been amazing and awful all at the same time. God has just shown up in the most amazing ways this week that I just have to share a few of them! Last weekend, my husband and I were able to enjoy a weekend getaway to celebrate our 6th anniversary. This was probably the first time we've had to go out of town together (we only went about 30 minutes away from home, but still!) since before our oldest child, Timothy, was born nearly three and a half years ago. It was so nice to have two whole days with nothing to do but just hang out and enjoy each other like we used to before life and kids and busyness came in the picture!  Shortly after we got home, I started feeling like I was getting sick. So I spent the first couple of days of the week just feeling plain gross. And the weather all week has been gross. Like cold, drizzly rain and storms every single day. I hate that. Those days are ha...

So it's been a while since I've written. That's actually for several reasons. It's been a frustration that I've felt like the things I've been struggling with were not things I could write about publicly. And also because, just being perfectly honest, I've had many times over the last couple of weeks that I have felt like I'm in a deep black hole that I not only couldn't climb out of, at times I couldn't even SEE out of either. I have wanted to sit down and write so many times and have just felt empty. My arms are empty. My heart is empty too sometimes. I know that God is here, but in those times spent deep in the black hole of depression, it's really hard to remember that, much less to find Him there.  I've experienced a lot of emotions since Ellie left us, but until here recently, depression has not been one of them. It's just awful. I'm talking about that soul-sucking, life-draining black fog that hovers over you to the ...